Guess I need help lol

When I was a teenager I knew that masturbating was not a good thing. I mean it does show I'm growing up healthy by having these desires, but watching pornography and touching myself I don't know I put a lot of guilt on my shoulders. I became very sexually frustrated and curious. When I turned 19 or 18 I decided that how I've been going about it is silly and I should embrace it and become comfortable. Stop kidding myself and be honest I like listening and watching porn, like anyone I enjoyed how it felt to satisfy those desires. I guess when I was single I had a better excuse to indulge. But I am a married woman now. I have a good husband who loves me and cares about me very much. We've only been married for a few years and I took this habit with me into this marriage. It was always when he wasn't around and I felt the urge. So I thought it was very personal taking care of business I did what I always did. But I noticed that it wouldn't just stay with me during those times. When we were together I was remembering my favorite porn scenes, I'd act like those girls, because this is what I thought sex was. Because of this I think I didn't enjoy our intimacy as much because I wasn't 100% there. I also didn't feel honest because sometimes he'd call in the middle of it or I'd quickly have to clean up and pretend nothing happened. In an indirect way it felt like I wasn't being faithful to the man that I love. I did my best to change by educating myself on the porn industry, how masturbating effects negatively. It wasn't successful
I finally opened up to my husband asking for his help and he responded so beautifully. Yes he was disappointed, but he promised that wed get through this together. With his help I was clean for six months. Until one day I let myself relapse one time and ever since then its become even more difficult, the thoughts are more intense, I dream of it. I was too ashamed to let him that I was struggling again. He did find out though, he had a strong feeling. Later that night I read a whole bunch of articles on how this addiction destroyed marriages and cried my eyes out. I knew I had to find a way to prevent myself to getting to porn so that he can feel like he can trust me. I subscribed to Spin web browser and it makes it so that is the only browser I can use. It blocks everything related to pornography. Which was a relief for both of us I thought that would be enough. But I haven't cleaned out my mind entirely and it's become harder when I discovered that I could watch sexy things on youtube. My phone won't let me delete the app so what am I going to do?I can't run away from the dirtiness and just depend on that to avoid my habit I guess. I'll find it somewhere, some way, some how. So maybe this website and community is the way to go. I want live my day clean and guilt-free. I want to feel proud and happy to receive him when he comes home because all day I've been busy with things that make us happy. Instead of spending a few minutes doing something I regret, spend so much time trying to make things look like nothing happened, juggling the guilt and anxiety I feel, then quickly try to make up for lost time by half-assing dinner, tidying, and being extremely cheerful and loving when he comes home so there's absolutely no suspicion. Even though that probably makes me look even more suspect. I've always been terrible at hiding things. If I can't do this on my own, then I'm grateful for this community already. I need help. Excited to get to know all of you

 

Thank you

 

Thank you I'll check it out!

 

I'm grateful this helps me understand why it's so much harder. It's so depressing and everything in my day gets pushed back, my stress heightens, and even more so when he comes home because I'm trying so hard to be cool and not let on. I know he's there with me for the long haul. I know he won't quit on me, or leave just because I relapse. He knows I'm trying and I'm trying to be active against this struggle. That alone I know he values. He understands that this will take time and it won't be easy. I just have this intense fear that each time I relapse I betray him, or he'll love me a little less each time. This can't be healthy and may do more harm. Like I'm potentially making everything worse by being overly hard on myself with these thoughts. Along with those thoughts when I do relapse I enjoy the sounds and the energy of this staged P for about 3 minutes. Then it's like I start to wake up like, "why am I watching these people do this? Why am I trying to satisfy myself when it's really not as satisfying as when I'm with my husband." I don't enjoy it anymore. It feels dirty and like I'm paying more than what it's worth. I get nothing out of it except three minutes of satisfaction followed by hours of stress and anxiety and guilt and disgust with myself. But when the urge comes or the thoughts begin it's so tempting and a struggle to ignore. I feel compelled to give in . The fear I have may be something I need, no it's definitely something I need to work on. I'm just afraid that if I'm easy on myself I'll find excuses that'll just let me give in to this addiction more.

 

Thank you for all the responses! Yeah I'll try to schedule my days smartly so dont stress out unnecessarily

 

Welcome to you! Thank you and absolutely. I got a web browser that filters all that stuff and deleted instagram because it had some really sexual content on too. I thought I was safe lol, but then up on my recommendations on youtube was a video and I didn't have enough self control to not click on it. It's every where. Just have to as they say, "Lower your gaze." It's a struggle. Wishing you the best too. <3