I watch gay porn, then loathe myself, repeat.

my story is similar, when i was 12 i had a desire to wear female clothes and be a woman, i have always love dick, especially girl with dicks, or futas, but i never was attracted to guys they absolutely disgust me, read this research article.
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/26498424

 

The fantasies and fetishes can be way out there man, and can go beyond what you described. I'm actually gay, but I felt the escalations too in terms of getting turned on by BDSM stuff.

Fortunately, cutting out porn and masturbation does a wonder for clearing that stuff out and setting you back to your standard sexuality. I'm almost 50 days hard mode, and while still obviously gay, the extreme fantasies have melted away. It kind of horrifies me now to even think about it. It's going to take a lot more time and healing to go.

As far as testosterone goes, getting into lifting. Do a lot of squats and deadlifts. I squat 4 times a week and it's had a huge impact on my body.

 

you are all not alone... together we can do this!

 

I’ve never watched or been interested in gay porn, but I have a sort of similar story. I’ve been addicted to PMO since I was 12 by starting with fapping to pics of girls on google images. Eventually, I discovered that I had PIED during my first time with a girl and became very depressed and dove deeper into PMO after that. Then I started to get more and more into cuck porn and along with that have also been increasingly aroused by a girl having sex with a black guy (because that’s what most cuck videos are) to the point where I’ve begun believing that its something that every girl should experience and she should be allowed to do if you’re dating her.

When I’ve been using my imagination to fap, I’ve been imagining a girl that I find attractive having sex with a black guy instead of with me. And while I haven’t fapped to this, just a couple days ago my fantasies about this have gotten to where she has me stroke or suck him hard for her (which I’ve heard many real life cucks do) I didn’t get aroused by this part, but it really freaked me out because I’ve never had gay or bi tendencies, and opened my eyes to how much PMO desensitizes you and makes you keep pushing your boundaries as well as artificially installing new sexual fetishes that you never used to have. Like someone else on here already said, I think that a clean streak from PMO will cause you to lose interest in these artificial porn-created fetishes. Hope things get better as I begin recovery!

 

Lmao.. man are you me? Legit I've been doing pmo since 8 years old, I'm 22 years old now nearly 23. I've gone through all the categories of porn slowly delving deeper and deeper. Now I'm in the cuck stage, funny that I call it a stage. But this one has been sticking around for 3 years which worries me. I've convinced ex girlfriends, would be girlfriends ect all to get into it. Saying that I'm obviously single now because everytime a girl does it I enjoy it for a time. Then I start hating myself and the girl I'm with for doing it. It's an absolute fucked cycle mate. I hope we both can get through this shit.

 

Yeah it sure as hell sounds like we’re both headed down the same path, and no single category of porn will ever be enough as we both already know, PMO addicts also chase the dragon just like drug addicts do. And what you said proves that this addiction can have real life consequences. I don’t know what make me feel worse, that it led you to the point of doing this in real life or the fact that so many girls were open to doing it (though I guess I can see why, they get to have sex with as many people they want and not worry about slut shaming because their boyfriend wants them to do it).

I feel like I would be the same way as you, turned on at first and then feel like shit afterwards as well as holding a certain level of resentment towards her for actually doing it (especially if you can easily tell that she enjoyed sex with the other guy more than with you) it makes you feel like an inadequate partner and that can harbor feelings of resentment. It’s gonna be tough at first, but we’ll both feel so much better once we’ve been clean for awhile.

 

We all start with regular porn, soft core and pictures.

Then hardcore.

Then harder.

Then harder/different niches.

Then only niches

Then and then and then....all because we need more taboo and stronger visual stimulation to get the same dopamine kick we first got thinking of a teacher in class as a teenager.

Stop watching all of it for 90 days and you’ll reset

 

Before sites like this one and YBOP I thought it was just me imagining I was the woman in those videos and it has absolutely scared the crap out of me.
I climaxed to Emannuelle at 13, but climaxed over bbc's at 21. Still liking girls a LOT, after losing my virginity to one these gay fantasies only increased because I couldn't deal with not having experienced what it was like.
I've actually dated some men because of these fetishes and felt absolutely disgusted when I finally had a dick in my mouth. It lasted a few seconds but I felt like throwing up. The weird thing is that I'm still having those stupid gay fantasies, mostly about muscular black men.

 

I started watching gay porn last year. Before that, several years were spent watching yaoi hentai. I can understand your circumstance as I too have been desirous of the twink/female body. I've even considered becoming more effeminate.

 

I like this conversation. Sexual issues are so complex. God created a beautiful thing when he made us sexual beings. I have looked at all kinds of porn including gay. I don’t think I am gay. I’m married with a wife and kids. But there is something intriguing about penises and twinks and so on. I understand feeling awful after but I don’t anymore. I’m just here to improve my life. I want to give up all porn gay and straight. I want my good relationship with my wife to continue. I don’t want any shame or guilt for any future mistakes I make. I can masturbate just fine with no guilt. It didn’t used to be so. I was so ashamed as a teenager. Now we have three teen boys we hope we are teaching them not to ever be shameful but also to use some self control. This forum is amazing.

 

Completely correct there mate, but please do not think all women are willing for this type of kink. Some that I have approached with it were disgusted and confused by it. The ones that were like that I did not continue to talk with. You see? I was looking for the bad girls that are probably just as addicted to PMO or just sex in general. Those girls are not the type we want to go for. I have been through mental torture for the past 3 years, once you hit the point of it happening for real, there is mental anguish. As you said, it is very easy to see the girl you're with enjoying herself more so with the stranger. But a lot of things attribute to this, the extra excitement of cheating, the knowing that she has permission, the new feeling of someone else. This all attributes to her climax. It's not like just the new dick does this all and makes you obsolete. It's the whole ball game of cuckolding that changes the dinamics of what she finds intriguing and hot.

I would highly advise not not get into this, stop full stop as fast as possible. But you and I both know that is easier said than done, cuckolding has to be one of the worst fetishes because it feels like it's at the end of the line. I'm constantly confused if this is who I am or if porn drove me to this. Daily I have battles of self acceptance, I feel a light at the end of the tunnel when I say to myself "I should just accept i'm a cuck, find a wife that will do this for me. I will treat her like a goddess." Funny thing is once I say that I usually do PMO, then those thoughts are automatically gone. Then I start telling myself "It is not what I want, I want a loving relationship with a woman that doesn't care what type of junk I have below the hood, what I can do in bed, I just want someone that loves me for me, not for what I let them do or let them experience. That is the correct way of thinking.

Only once the fog disappears you start to weigh up the situations. If you'd like to talk about this and bounce ideas off eachother that might help us understand this more. Saying that I am not after details or explicitis. Just to talk about what makes this drive go on.

PS. I have had a loving girlfriend of 1 year, lived with her 3 months into the relationship. During this time I was watching porn non-stop behind her back, I was sending her photos of big dicks ect to make her more enticed to go and cheat and report back to me. Guess what, she did one night with a co-worker. I found out on her snapchat early in the morning, (instantly jerked off) Soon as I finished I went into a blind rage, hated myself, saw her image melt right infront of me when I confronted her. She was cheating with him while we were trying to mend things for another 2 months. Which I was not aware of ( pittance, during this time I was a self loathing cuck that jerked off to her cheating all of the time but telling myself I still loved her.) I didn't love her I found out, I loved what she had done to me. This was the scary thing. She was no longer a girlfriend to me but a cuckoldress. The light at the end of this tunnel was when we stopped talking. 3 months later she hit up me apologising and telling me that she fucked up, she never meant to go with the bloke and end our relationship. The bonus was that I have a smaller penis than the guy, He is 8" so i've been told, I'm 6" or around that. She told me truthfully, that she missed my dick and what I could do with it, she told me she wanted someone familiar ect.

(Saying that it all could've been for show, but from what I mustered from it, a big dick doesn't change shit. It's the person behind it, I was loving and caring , this guy was after one thing and he was a narcisst.) I am out of that completely now, but am still struggling with pmo (cuck stuff).

Just a short story on what can and will happen if this progresses further than the internet. Thanks for reading.

 

Try to ween yourself off. You said you m 3x/day. Try to only m 1x/day for a week, then 6 days/week for a week, etc. And after a little bit you should feel confident enough to try a full on reboot. You'll probably not succeed, but the point isn't to reach an arbitrary number of days, it's to desensize your body. So just keep trending in the right direction and you'll win eventually.

As for porn, I kind of went full circle to where I hadn't viewed vanilla stuff for so long I found it exciting again so I don't really have any advice for weening yourself off that based on experience. Maybe try to just identify a handful of the most pernicious categories (maybe gay and transgendered person) and say anything but that.

 

I relate to this too and i hate it but I just can't quit although I don't consider myself a lesbian but most times I love to watch lesbian porn its absolutely ridiculous.

 

Keeping busy works for as long as you're busy. But it doesn't work when you inevitably have some down time which we need every now and then. I used to have off Monday Wednesday and Friday at my old job and I worked overtime every day I was there. 3 guesses which days I ended up relapsing on the most. What's worked for me is having a reason that's good enough to make me want to succeed. Maybe you need a better reason or a more well defined one.