so when you start a new streak and you have a girlfriend you should stop seeing her?

I would discuss it with her. If she is understanding and supportive, there is no reason to stop seeing her. Just change what you do together when you see her. Stick to non-sexual activities.

 

For you, I would go 30 days without sex. However, you can use your fingers or mouth to pleasure her in the mean time. Most people can begin having sex again after 30-45 days.

 

Truthfully, I believe that your girlfriend (respecting her wishes, of course, since, as you said, she wishes to wait until marriage) could help you in rewarding the very neural networks you wish to cultivate. I don’t believe it is enough to stop using porn. That’s merely the first step to recovery. We must also cultivate the neural networks that allow us to derive pleasure from real sexual contact, since presumably we are all here to improve sexual functioning that will then be used in relationships.

This sexual contact can even use the very same reward system that has you hooked on porn and reduce your affinity to porn. Sex also has real physical contact and love/affection. If your desire for sexual release (which will never disappear, nor should it, as it is ingrained biologically) becomes dependent on these added attributes, porn will no longer be enough for you. Think of it like quitting carcinogenic cigarettes by vaping, which has the added benefit of much better taste, etc (except in this case, real sex is both healthy and fulfilling). I believe she is by far your most powerful weapon against your addiction.

 

I set my counter to “no PM” but kept the O due to the fact I have a SO and don’t want to make her frustrated because I have been up to no good. Worked well so far, 150 days without P on my first attempt and I truly believe that this addiction will be put behind me for good. Best of wishes!

 

I don't understand you guys. What do you know about the OP, his life and his addiction? How can you recommend behavior (without even asking) that has the potential to wreck his relationship? Sex is fundamental to any relationship, lets not be naive about this. If he doesn't fuck her for a prolonged period of time, she's bound to be frustrated, which can lead to fights, infidelity, break up.
And no, fingers and mouth won't do it forever, just like blowjobs won't do for us 24/7.
Many people on this forum dream about having a girlfriend in the first place. It's a major improvement to life generally speaking, so don't treat it like it's nothing with your extreme quitting measures. That can backfire real quick. Guess what an addict does when he's depressed because gf doesn't like him the same or left him...

Also what's with those arbitrary numbers 30-45 days without sex? And then what exactly? Then he won't be a PORN addict anymore? Or it will ease his PORN addiction? But he will still have sex afterwards? And you're basing this on what? Some Youtube video about addiction?

Please ask first: What are your problems, what are your goals. Instead of recommending whack monk lifestyles without solid reason.

 

I know that he wants to begin a new streak (sounds like a reboot) and is considering stopping seeing his girlfriend during it. I simply recommended something less drastic that will deepen intimacy with his SO.

I would recommend my advice to anyone in a relationship. I suggested he discuss his situation with her rather than spend his reboot apart from her altogether. If you disagree with that, you are bound to fail at relationships constantly. Honest, open communication is crucial to a healthy relationship.

Now you are the one adding info without knowing the situation. The OP and his gf might not be having sex yet. She might be very supportive about his recovery.

And no, sex is not fundimental to every relationship. You’re confusing sex with intimacy. Intimacy is fundimental to any relationship, sex is not.

 

@ OP - In my personal opinion, were I in that situation, I wouldn't stop seeing her. I'd simply make her the only sexual thing in my life. I'd try to have sex with her once or twice a week and have that be my only exposure to sex-related events / activities. Ultimately though, do what you think is best for you. Best of luck!

 

Well our disagreement comes down to the belief whether sex is fundamental to a relationship or not. If you don't believe that, your recommendation is legitimized.
I don't see how you can say that tho. If you have a scenario where you never have sex with your girlfriend, but you share your life and feelings with her, and one night she's seduced by some guy and they have sex (why not, she never tried it and knows she won't get it from you any time soon), who do you think she's going to be more intimate with afterwards? Especially if the guy she fucks treats her nice as well?
Sex isn't just the exchange of bodily fluids and helping each other to reach an orgasm. Even if the participants aren't aware of it, at least subconsciously they create a spiritual connection (for lack of a better term). Our minds produce hopes, aspirations, dreams of being together, potential for family, etc. Sex isn't simple.
So if you take it out of a relationship you remove more than orgasms, you gotta be aware of that.

Why do people get together in the first place biologically speaking, if not for sex? And you don't think it's fundamental?

 

You are correct. Our disagreement is about wether or not sex is fundimental to a relationship.

But no one is saying that sex is being taken off the table indefinitely; just until the reboot process has had time to heal the brain chemistry of the addict.

During my reboot (100 days) my SO and I did not have any sexual contact. And it most definitely INCREASED our intimacy and emotional connection.

But I will say this, if a one night stand with another man is enough to make your partner look elsewhere for emotional and spiritual intimacy, than your relationship wasn’t strong enough to last anyway.

 

Be honest with yourself, if you think that is necessary it probably is. You know yourself best. I think this isn’t such a big deal as one can blow it up to be (referring to how to handle the time). Talk with your gal, I think you will settle it together in a way that suits you.

Good luck to you!

 

Sure, I didn't try to criticize that method of rebooting. With a stable relationship like yours (which I'm certain you've spend time and had sex before to build to that level before you started your reboot) it's an option.
But who knows what level the OP's relationship is at. If they've only been together for let's say a month and he suddenly announces no more sex for three month, that can definitely be a deal breaker.
Needless to say people who come here are desperate, and somebody who's going strong like you with over 230 day's clean has a lot of influence.

 

If no sex for a while is a deal breaker, then I’d say the deal needs to be broken; regardless of how long the relationship has been going.

Even if I was single, I’d tell any potential partners what I was going through. I think you overestimate how important sex is to most women.

Also, if a reboot is necessary, than it should be done; regardless of the outside consequences (like a breakup). Particularly if the alternative is to stay in the relationship and not conquer the addiction.

 

I disagree on all three points! xD It really depends what people are looking for when they enter a relationship. Generally people want to enjoy intimacy and sex, that's a primary motivator. Especially for younger people. Doesn't mean you don't want all the rest that comes with a relationship, it's always a package. But really, how many relationships you think would exist if you'd take all the sex out of it? If you just need someone to talk to you got friends, right?

Sure if you're looking for a wife/soulmate I agree with you that, best case scenario, you should be able to get into the relationship and keep it without sex for period of time. But even then you're excluding a whole bunch of women, who you might have had a great relationship with down the line, but because you were so hard on not having sex from the getgo they lost interest. Why not be with someone "normal" and have A LOT more fun?

I don't think I overestimate the importance of sex to women. It's a common myth to think men are the horny gender and women really don't feel like it that much. Literally every woman I've been with has busted that myth.

I also disagree on sacrificing a relationship for the sake of rebooting. Relationships, if they're fulfilling, are huge boosters in confidence, emotional regulation, happiness and are a great source of support.
To beat an addiction we need all of those things. Loneliness and depression are perfect triggers for relapses. You invite those in if you sacrifice your relationship.
Also, the OP was just talking about starting a new streak, we don't even know if he wants the whole reboot program. Maybe he just wants to get rid of his porn addiction and not "completely reset his brain"...

 

All excellent points. And truth be told, I imagine that if we sat down together and we’re able to discuss the further nuances of our views, we’d come to the conclusion that we see things more alike than not.

You are absolutely correct that a streak doesn’t constitute the same thing as a reboot. That was my own assumption, and for that I apologize.

Thanks for writing so clearly and concisely; and not making this a low-blow personal debate between you and me. That happens way to much here. I really appreciate your take on this discussion. So thank you for sharing your view.

I still feel though, that if a relationship with someone new is going to be healthy, it has to start from a healthy place for both people. And if one of those people isn’t able to refrain from PMO for more than a few weeks, the relationship is starting on unstable ground. And if the PA NEEDS the other person to not feel lonely, I think it’s ecen more important to wait for sex at first.

As for the loneliness aspect and emotional support part of beating addiction, I agree but feel that should be addressed by a community, not an individual. If someone is filling loneliness with a relationship, that seems short-sighted to me. Putting all those eggs in one basket is risky; especially if the addict is simply transferring the addiction to the new partner, which is all to easy to do.

And to your point about “normal” relationships... in a healthy individual, I agree completely. But if an addict needs to refrain from sex for the beginning of a relationship to avoid being triggered, it’s better to address the addiction first and then enter a relationship as a healthy individual.

But again, you are correct, we don’t know much about the specifics of the OP’s situation.

 

Yeah man I like discussing things like that. Most people back out or get too defensive or don't take the time to get to the bottom of things.
I don't really have much to add to this. At the end of the day the issue we're discussing is too case specific. Addicts do make for bad partners, generally speaking I agree. But then I have been an addict for many years, most of them I didn't realize I was one and I was still able to have relationships. I can't generalize from my case, but so far I was able to hide my addiction and not make it a problem. I would even go as far as saying many boys and girls in relationships watch porn in private and many of them will be addicted without knowing it. They just never conceptualize it as a problem. Even tho they probably would be better off without it.

I talked to a girl at a party once and told her about my porn addiction. Her eyes filled with bad memories and she told me about her ex who was addict too and that it turned their relationship to hell. Was the first case where I heard from someone not online that porn addiction affected their live negatively and was clear indication for me to take this serious.

 

Uff ok. Well it's a difficult situation for you. Basically you were both trying to stay in the confines of culture but your nature constantly broke through, as is to be expected. She subconsciously expects you to conquer her, to seduce her and have sex despite her cultural restraints. That's why she kept flirting even tho sex was technically taboo. You on the other hand are a man, no further explanation needed, but you are wary of the downfalls of lust and so you try to restrain yourself.

I think the fact that you got together again and that you think you love her is genuine and you should try to make it work with her. I also think you guys have a lot to clarify and to negotiate.
You should clarify to her and to yourself why you are against marriage. Is there are scenario where it would be acceptable to marry or is it completely off the table.
Find out whether sex outside of marriage is acceptable or not acceptable.
What are your opinions on having kids. Since that question is tightly locked with marriage and sex.
Does she understand that you're trying to control your desires so you're not a slave to them and that there's way that she can support you and that there's a way she makes things harder, literally and figuratively.
Do you personally feel like it's necessary to abstain from sex, or is it "just" a means to get rid of your porn addiction. If that's the case might there be a way where you can have sex while still quitting your addiction.

Just some pointers. Lots of talk (with the goal of finding common ground ) and honesty should break the cycle you guys are stuck in.