35 and Older Accountability Group

DAY 28. 4 FULL WEEKS. This used to be the insurmountable number. 31 is my all-time best, so I’m only a weekend away from a new record. Yesterday and today, I did find myself fantasizing more than I have been. I needed to constantly pull myself back to the here and now. I would play the negative/positive game, shaking my head vigorously when I felt myself drifting into fantasy and then nodding my head vigorously at the present. I had to keep focusing on the warmth of the sun, the coolness of the water, the beauty of my surroundings. I had to keep asking why I wanted to escape. Over and over, I kept asking, What are you escaping? What are you escaping? What are you escaping?

Why do I think I won’t be able to beat the temptation of solitude this weekend? Just because these were the “ideal” circumstances for porn-bingeing in the past, does not mean they have to be again. In fact, if I can break this and prove to myself that I am not a slave to this addiction, I will get closer to a real identity shift. I’ve been making plans and writing down all sorts of ideas for an alternative weekend and I keep imagining how great I will feel if I can claim a new record and start the next week tallying up numbers in a streak I have never encountered.

 

Do it, do it, do it!! You got this!!!

 

Thanks so much for the reply! Thing is that that is the response I've gotten several times when I asked if anyone knows of a good android blocker. You're the one with 58 day streak going so I obviously respect that a lot and want to do that as well, but trying to understand.

Thing is, I live alone and I come home and the phone is always with me. I use it to communicate with people and watch tech videos for work. Your example is different, you're not finding new magazines every day. There must be a lot to what you say as I've seen a bunch say it.

It still would be really helpful not to have access to it at home. No one uses an android blocker here that works?

 

You can do it!

 

Bro, I understand you so well. Being old scares me as well. I am sure to live my life in solitude and never will have children. Now, that's no problem. But in the fat future, who will be there to rely on? A question that can scare. But you are so right to enjoy life NOW.

 

Hey bro - while I agree with you that each persons situation is different and if blocking it helps you by all means do it

But what I like to communicate is this ...

The relapse happens in our own mind before it takes physical manifestation.

So we first have an image of porn in our thoughts, and then we choose to ACT on it by going to our phone or computer or porn site somewhere.

Now if you have a filter installed, you have a false sense of security thinking that you are keeping yourself safe while you are actually totally unprotected because you haven't really realized that the ONLY WAY OUT is by developing vigilance in thoughts.

The minute you think lust, you have to breathe and turn back and drop it. It takes tremendous self-honesty and willingness to surrender. The challenge is we sometimes feel aroused, we have a lustful thought and we choose to play with the fire, thinking we are okay because we haven't actually acted out, but that's not true.

IF one plays with sexual thoughts and entertains it in their mind, its already a relapse, even though it may take some time for it to manifest in the physical form.

That's why Jesus says "If someone even think of a woman the wrong way already committed adultery." So the adultery, relapse, happens in our own heart and mind when we forget the source of all joy which is the awareness of the Essense of what/who we are.

I find that when i'm feeling lustful it is helpful to know, that Its not that i want sex, the higher truth is that I'm now suffering, I'm not happy with myself, and I have lost the joy from within and seeking it outside.

Lastly If i notice i'm having too many urges/sexual thoughts its time to beef up the discipline. I may fast for 24 hours or meditate more or take a day of silence. These are tools to tame the mind.

Any way, by all means get your android blocker, but remember that the battle/vitory is in your own thoughts, and at firist, the mind will fight back hard because it has been in control for so long, but if you persevere you can tame the mind. Its like horse training.

 

QUOTE="RightEffort, post: 1876069, member: 280334"]
<...> remember that the battle/vitory is in your own thoughts, and at firist, the mind will fight back hard because it has been in control for so long, but if you persevere you can tame the mind. Its like horse training. [/QUOTE]
Thanks for the post, really agree with you. Interesting idea about a day in silence - thanks!
Checking in, Day 45.

 

Have a nice weekend guys and beware , weekends are hiding traps..

 

Sorry about that. Ive been having pretty hectic schedule and at the end of the day im juss so exhausted that sometimes i just fall a sleep and forget to check in or leave comment. Ive been checking in pretty consistently though. Ill try to be more involved. I appreciate all the great advices and encouragement i got after my last relapse. Im going to make it to day 30 this time.

 

Checking in today. Doing alright so far. Had some issues getting back up after my last fall but I’m happy to say the ball is rolling again.

Today’s sobriety theme song is brought to you by...

 

Android unfortunately does not have any porn blocking apps that I know of that are good. Their lack of apps was actually one of the main factors for why I went back, sadly, to an iPhone.

 

Hi guys checking in. Had a rough couple of days, so rough that I couldn´t even spill my guts here. A couple of days I almost couldn´t get rid of that "one time wont hurt" even "you need it" but I rode it out. I´ve been reading all of your messages. Let me tell you guys, piling up days really works, when you think about reseting that counter... that really helps you build up strength. Still here.

Abrazos!

 

I know we’re about abstaining but all work and no play make Jack a dull boy. What are some of the healthy rewards you’ve given to yourself for completing milestones in your reboot? I’ve come to think about all of my attempts and not once have I’ve thought about putting healthy incentives towards reaching my goals.