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It's been a year since I discovered NoFap and I feel like I've gotten no where

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by Cool guy tough guy, Jan 21, 2019.

  1. Spikey Cloud

    Spikey Cloud Fapstronaut

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    Ok I'm not going to tell you that looks don't matter because they do to an extent. Though we might sometimes make our looks worse in our heads then they are actually perceived. IMHO there is a girl for every guy and I bet you have some qualities that might be attractive to some girls.

    Why do you worry that he is going to get married? It's no race...you are ready when you are ready. I think you have a lot of beliefs that don't serve you. Which all stem from being not good enough. We all suffer from this to some extent.

    Can you tell me or desribe why you want a girl so bad?
     
    Cool guy tough guy likes this.
  2. Spikey Cloud

    Spikey Cloud Fapstronaut

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    Do you think this comment will help him?
     
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  3. LetsBeLovely87

    LetsBeLovely87 Fapstronaut

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    Yes. Encouraging him to don't do this.
     
  4. Spikey Cloud

    Spikey Cloud Fapstronaut

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    No you are making his bad self image even worse. His fapping is not the problem, his problem is his low self esteem
     
    FacelessMan likes this.
  5. Cool guy tough guy

    Cool guy tough guy Fapstronaut

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    I just want someone that is there for me and to love me. This may seem somewhat strange, but I also want to release my sexual frustration and not seem like a virgin loser. I want to start a family as well, but I can't seem to attract anyone.
     
  6. theends

    theends Fapstronaut
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    Then don't you think it's time to step up and change? The fact that you're on this website proves that you've felt guilty of your previous actions and are willingly handicapping progress in life. Let's start taking it seriously then. It's easier said than done, but if you want to achieve something, you have to give it your utmost effort. I'm sure the majority of us have been there, at the lowest points of life. But the best part about that is, that is when you can only go upwards and improve.
     
    Cool guy tough guy likes this.
  7. Cool guy tough guy

    Cool guy tough guy Fapstronaut

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    I have been working out daily and been awarded with the 2018 season MVP on my sports team, but still no luck with the ladies.
     
  8. Fightthedevil

    Fightthedevil Fapstronaut

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    Don't think of it that away. Most of us believe that if we relapse after a streak all progress is lost. That is a big NO.

    Whenever you get a streak of around,lets say,10 days. You didn't watch porn for 10 days. You didn't masturbate for 10 days. You didn't touched yourself for 10 days. and that takes shit load of courage.

    Think of an Obese dieter. He didn't ate sweet stuff or fried stuff for a whole week,but on 8th day he did. Do you think all the progress he made in the previous week is lost? NO. He just got a set back. Setbacks are common to people quitting addictions.

    Since i've started nofap (around 3 years) I have had only two 30+ days streaks. And many 10 day+ and 20 days+ streaks. That means my PMO frequency has reduced from once a day to once every 20 or something days. Day by day. Bit by bit. We are defeating it. It might seem like a never ending battle but it comes to a point when you start hating porn. I do. I now hate porn and feel ashamed whenever i watched it. All you gotta is hold on. Fight the urges.

    Urges or cravings are just piece of the devil leaving your body. We all already winning to some extent than the people who don't even see porn as a addiction. I say you dust yourself,get back up and keep on fighting. If you are looking for accountability group,I can help you.If not,I understand. Peace out brother. Good luck.
     
  9. Cool guy tough guy

    Cool guy tough guy Fapstronaut

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    That's amazing advice, but I tend to binge that day after I relapse once.
     
  10. ZenAF

    ZenAF Fapstronaut

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    Don't compare yourself to your brother or anybody else for that matter. Lives are too different and any comparison is delusional.

    I have a friend who wasn't good looking for the most part of his teenage years. He had his jaw corrected through surgery and looked much better. Then later he got a beard and looked even better. BUT he just had sex once last summer and couldn't hold the girl for long (he's 28 years old). He still has major issues to get into the dating game even many years after he corrected his looks (he's also very fit and muscular). That makes it clear to me that looks are a minor issue.

    Confidence is what makes the main difference. Women select men who are on the upper parts of social hierarchies. Meaning "good" men. There are many many hierarchies, economical (how much money), social (how cool you talk and interact), intellectual (how smart are you), visual (how good do you look), etc etc. "Good men" are on the upper levels of several hierarchies and that makes them confident. The women read that confidence as them being successful and that makes them attractive.
    Confidence is your brain telling you that you're doing well. It's like a scoreboard for your life. If you lack it, it means you need to work on yourself. Working on your looks is a bad strategy. There's little you can do and the effects are small.
    Instead work on being more open when you talk to people. Interest yourself in them. Practice to talk in a way that is genuine and easy to listen to. Find a passion in your life and become great at it. Then go find another! Find a sport and get fit. And most important of all be patient with yourself. Your confidence will gradually increase. Start dating. Download Tinder, it makes dating much easier.

    Also, watch this video and get excited about your life:
     
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  11. Spikey Cloud

    Spikey Cloud Fapstronaut

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    That you are a virgin loser is something you learned from others and you should get rid of that belief. I think in your case you first need to work on yourself and love yourself more. It is almost impossible to get love from others if you can't even love yourself. If you don't love yourself - and don't find yourself worth - you reflect that in an unconscious way to your environment. This is how you experience other people.. you think that other people are the way you think - but in reality it is only you - you reflect yourself and your self-hate in them. There lies the key, improve how you see you, and you will improve how others see you.


    I hope that I wrote that in a bit of a understandable way.
     
  12. Fightthedevil

    Fightthedevil Fapstronaut

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    That's known as the chaser effect.

    Have you taken any strict actions? I suggest the following:

    1. Install Cold Turkey and block all the porn websites.
    2. Change your Wifi/Mobile's DNS Server to OpenDNS or Norton Internet Security.
    3. Use Hosts File to block porn on PC/Laptop.
    4. Restrict the usage of electronic gadgets.
    5. Meditation.
     
  13. Mattew

    Mattew Fapstronaut

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    Yep, i read those things hundreds of times. From 2012 i started reading self help books, i have an entire library now. I read all kinds of self-help books, all the classics, tony robbins, napoleon hill, dale carnegie, NLP books, richard bandler books, spiritual books, law of attraction books, books on how to attract money, business books, books on how to seduce ladys (starting from the classic, the game, and another 8-9 books on the issue). Attended a NLP one week course, meditated, used mantras for months, read books of psychologists (daniel goleman, joe dispenza), changed my diet to super healthy one, affirmations, you name it.

    I've done everything you can do in the last 6 years, and here i am, zero girlfriend, my beahavior is pretty much the same, i did not become good with the ladies, i didn't change overall, my economic situation is really bad for a 34 years old.
    At this point i just think my scars from the past are too big, i'm exausted, i'm sick and tired of being sick and tired, a life where you can't get even a woman is not a real life, is a suffering, and after 6 years of trying i still don't know what's the problem, or how to solve it, or how to get better, with the difference that having tried everything i don't believe in anything or anyone anymore.

    The love i was neglected as a kid created a too big hole, i can never heal it, it just destroys everything.
    No woman has ever showed a sparkle of love for me, even after trying and trying, i am just destroyed...
     
  14. Fightthedevil

    Fightthedevil Fapstronaut

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    I am sorry man. This sounds hard. I agree for most of us,Our childhood spat back out the monster that we've become or are becoming. But We can also use this as inspiration buddy. might sound cringy but Look at Eminem,Nf and countless other. SHITTY CHILDHOOD,CHECK. DEPRESSION,CHECK. NEGLIGENCE,CHECK. Still,they won,they fought back. They still feel destroyed and unstable emotionally,they continuously talk about it in their songs or interviews(proving that getting to the top will still not make you happy unless you are spiritually happy) but they've tried to move on from all the bad and look upto the good,became a better version of themselves. Books alone will never help. It can take ages to find love but it's better than being with the wrong one. You talk about financial situation,i agree it sucks being out of money but i've seen shoeless kids more happier than rich brats. You can always heal,maybe not completely but bit by bit,slowly and steadily. It's never too late to do what you've always wanted to do. Moreover it is not your fault. Modern dating sucks. Especially for hopeless romantics. Scars mean you've lived,you've survived in spite of all the shit you were thrown,in spite of all the adversity,you are still here. you are breathing. Living is much harder than dying imo. Anyways I am sorry you went through bad times,but still there's a lot of time left man. Just start. take up a hooby. Play piano. Do skydiving. Start working 2 jobs. Just hustle. Be patient,good things always come to those deserve it. trust me.
     
  15. Mattew

    Mattew Fapstronaut

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    Thanks a lot. I actually have hobbies, calistenichs, i go running, i read books (not much in the last year). For finding a work, i'm socially unable and only have regular works for 2 times, and get fired in a little time, so knowing that, i started doing things on my own, in the real estate, and lived out of that for the last years.

    You said something right, i just have to know that my scars will be there forever, and i will always be emotionally unstable, and have to aknowledge that and just live with it.

    But overall i'm not concerned by money (until i pay the rent and have food on my table it's ok), my main (and maybe the only problem which i care of) problems are woman, i'm 34, totally unable to get one, never in my life a woman gave me a sparkle of love, i mean, even by chance...nothing.
    That is the thing that destroys me, you can't live without another person loving you, never, always being alone, that's not life, that's shit. I don't care about money, lost friends, you name it...but never being loved for 34 years is hard, i'm just tired, sick and tired, and i don't know what to do anymore, or what's the problem, i mean, i've seen diasbled guys getting girlfriends, i just can't figure out what's wrong with me, if i knew what the problem is and what the solution is i would apply, but at 34, after trying everything, i just can't deal with that anymore.

    Btw. thanks for your answer and for "taking" my shit...
     
    Last edited: Jan 27, 2019
  16. ZenAF

    ZenAF Fapstronaut

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    What about gif's on search engines, torrents, twitter, reddit, youtube. Sex is everywhere. You gotta convince your brain, not your computer.
     
  17. Fightthedevil

    Fightthedevil Fapstronaut

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    I agree but something is better than nothing. These are just precautions. Done to give one sometime to think about what he's gonna do. Even these methods can be bypassed easily. But he will have a constant idea what these blockers and filters stand for. It works for me. Could work for him
     
  18. Fightthedevil

    Fightthedevil Fapstronaut

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    I agree,again. Living without love is difficult. But don't deny yourself the greatest love ever. You,yourself. Love yourself first. Change your perception about yourself. Don't feel bad about yourself. Never insult yourself,Self-Depreciation sucks. I'd do it all the time and now i don't and i have a much better mindset. There's nothing wrong with you,it's just not your time. I read it some where like:

    Think about activity such as running,There comes a moment when your body asks you to stop,when you feel pain and out of breathe. It is the deciding moment. Either you can stop immediately or push yourself a little bit more and have much better stamina the next day. Same is with life man,Just sometimes this period gets really long. I am alone. no friends,had a girl friend,she dumped me after being committed for 2 years and i still don't know why. I don't want to get back into dating not just yet. I am working on myself. I play piano,i run a successful blog,i am learning programming,i read daily (comic books or fiction only though) and i go to play badminton competitively,these might be small achievements but for the age i am i am happy with myself. There's more to life than finding a woman who will love you. Accept yourself. Work on yourself. Dont give a fuck about other's opinions. They have not walked in your shoes. You can either get busy living or get busy dying. It's your choice,but if i may say choose the former. I am always available to talk if you want. Hit me up anytime.
     
    ZenAF and Mattew like this.
  19. ZenAF

    ZenAF Fapstronaut

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    Well I'm talking from biased standpoint created by my own experiences with blockers. Sure it might work for others. But I feel like the secret to quitting is in letting go. Not fighting.
    The more you show yourself that it's a fight the more you create an opposition within yourself. Trying to quit like that is a huge struggle. Everyday you gotta "win" against yourself. Instead of accepting your choice to quit once and be done with it.

    I think fundamentally we all believe in free will. That means every time we relapse we're telling ourselves that we were not actually serious when we told ourselves to quit. If we install blockers we tell ourselves "well something inside me might take over, take away my free will (which is a lie! You choose to do that.) and watch porn. so i gotta block the websites!" But that's a delusion. You're simply unwilling to let go of it. Decide and the struggle will stop.
     
  20. Spikey Cloud

    Spikey Cloud Fapstronaut

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    Agree with this. But what we need to realize is that a lot of the fighting is actualy not a choice in a lot of cases. Not because we don't free will or can't make a choice. But because we fought so long that we do it automatically as a habit without even realizing it. So we are feuling our unconscious automatically and often punish ourself not be able to change it which creates a downwards spiral even further - and creating an internal war in yourself. And this is a very hard pattern to break...I struggle with this for years.

    And yes stopping with porn only works if you really really 100% want to let it go, the mind will tick us in using it again and you will try to find reasons why you can watch it just this time. Addictions are very hard to beat esp. if your sober life doesn't get better while doing so.
     

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