Here goes... Crossdressing, Porn and Years of both :-(

@cosmicology ,

As a kid, I started looking at the Sears Catalogue, lingerie section indeed. I was noticing the appeal of stocking, skirts and heels before I could actually ejac. Teachers, friend's mothers, etc...I had a fantasy and hoping I would be taken care of by a mature women. I didn't really bought any lingerie for me, but thought about it. I tried a few items from my mom or my wife, but the kink is not strong enough for me to compensate for the feeling of being "weird", so it doesn't really take off. I almost bought some heels from a thrift store, but hygiene concerns stopped me...but I seriously considered it.
I bought items on Amazon too, and the wife doesn't wear any of it, thinking that I got that taste from my porn addiction. Back in the 80's, most female P actress would wear lingerie and heels during scenes. this is why I prefer vintage P. I also bought many toys on Amazon..The wife is ok with a few, but I got frustrated a few times seeing toys collecting dust and the wife having no interest.
Gasmask and scuba are also a thing for me since I'm very young, not sure how it got to arouse me, its more the rubber and the breathing, but it triggers me, so I can't look at that, its too risky.
So, I wish everyone to be lucky enough to meet a partner you love that will get into your fetish a little, but CAREFUL....it can also be very frustrating if it doesn't happen.

 

I’m wondering if weather is also a factor in all this. I felt great all Spring and Summer but this Winter has been a bit of a drag even though here it’s a lot nicer than over the pond.

Guess it’s a reminder that we can’t let external circumstances change how we feel inside. But I’m sure looking forward to Spring!

 

Hi everybody!

My first post!

I am in my first week of Nofap. There have been a few weak attempts over the years.. But they were mostly out of outside circumstance (room share at a remote camp), so I can't really take credit.

I have finally taken the commitment by realizing that PMO is the source of my current life struggles and many past life struggles.

Current life:
Married 11 years, 2 kids. Have been PMO like average every day. P has been through the range of nylon- heel fetish, foot fetish, trans women, cross-dressed men (almost passable). For a time, I had a routine of quickly MO with girlfriend's or wife's clothing items, pantyhose, heels. Prior to that it was moms drawers, just fetishing one item at a time.

A year into marriage, I thought "I better figure this urge out, and go all the way to see if this is really for me". Brilliant right? Should have done that when single, but I was too scared to REALLY think about it. Anyways at that point I was dressing up head to toe, makeup, wig. Everything. I only went out the house once. My main thrill was taking photos and vids to document my appearance. And, well, I have to say that I turned myself on (autogenophylia is definitely my thing ok). I was so proud of myself that I would lurk in chat sites to show myself off. I have no attraction to "manly men", but I did enjoy the attention on cam. What a thrill, I thought! This of course always ended in MO, with the associated shame blanket.

I purged a few times. Always came back to it.

FFwd a few years, my poor unsuspecting wife found a folder with my pics. Some were definitely naughty. I admitted my sexual fantasy, my gender questioning. After hours of silence, arguing, sex counseling, we are in an ok place. All the while not admitting that I have a PMO addiction. We have addressed serious communication problems relating to our sex life. But overall our sex life is a routine of sex. Then a few weeks of no sex. Finally I show up. She's pissed off that I haven't initiated in a few weeks. We argue, I say that I'll do better, we have sex. Repeat cycle.

We have worked through her sexual problems for the most part. But I have remained relatively silent.

I keep things under wraps in terms of my fantasies by exclusively watching P by trans or CD people. I have only CD'd since her discovery of my habit a few times.

Now what I struggle with is that my wife has told me that she would "support" my CD fetish as long as it includes her. But only if I initiate it. I haven't. I'm too scared of being embarrassed. Too scared of her being frightened or repulsed by me dolled up. Too scared that I'm going to enjoy it more than her.

My struggles are that if I were to include the fetish into my sex life, am I just bringing the P into the sex life?? Even if I cut out the M. It has been tied closely for such a long time. Our sex therapist seems to think it's a good idea to include it. But of course I'm a coward and didn't admit that I might have a PMO issue.

I will make a note that I cross dressed when I was pre-puberty, playing "house" with a friend and as a kid enjoyed barbi's. I always played the female character in video games, but never really understood why. Eventually it got sexualized around the time of my first M. My first PMO was the early days of P on dial-up, around 1995ish.

Crap, sorry for the mega long post.

I'm just not sure how to deal with the CD fetish as it relates to married relationship. I am really looking forward to a more enlightened, more fulfilling relationship with my wife. All of my relationships have "fizzled out" as I have not been sexually forward or interested in them, I have been putting too much energy into my own indulgences. And pretending everything is normal. I want to end this awful cycle. I love my wife dearly and we are amazing friends with two wonderful kids. I know I have done crap things in terms of trust in our relationship. First step is admitting that there IS a problem!! Done! Starting now. I have been hiding the PMO problem behind the CD fantasies. Rationalizing one against the other, but informing BOTH of them!

 

When I was 11-12, being raised only by my mother, I used to go through old boxes and found some underwear she didn't use anymore and I would try them on when I was taking a bath or shower. The urge to cross-dress remained for future years. Escalating from just undergarments to outfits. The years of conditioning myself to enjoy it makes it seem like it may never be unlearned. It's part of me and who I am, and I have a hard time coming to terms with removing that aspect. I feel like I'm at an impasse, I do want to free myself from being a slave to sexual gratification, but It's something I enjoy, and I only have a few things as outlets, so I know all too well how you feel.

I wouldn't suggest purging, you'll be wasting that much more money to replace what you tossed (speaking from experience). Maybe try putting it out of reach, maybe in a box at the top of a closet, make it as difficult for yourself as possible to be able to not reach it? Out of sight, out of mind.

Hope your strength holds up.

 

It's very interesting to note how many other people have the pre P attraction to women's clothing items. Fetishing them, and dressing as well. That is definitely something that has always been around in the psyche of men. Pre high speed P.

I am starting to think that it's a fun kink if used properly. There is an attraction to it being a "naughty" thing. A taboo.

It's a self limiting thing for the most part. It's lo-tech and REAL.

internet P is highly addictive. Dangerous.

The fetish is a problem when it's a trigger for P. The fetish inevitably expands in the vast multitude of internet P, as it allows the brain to test all boundaries with no check on real life.

For me, the desire to even experiment with my fetish IRL diminished with internet P. All of my gratification was eaten up by it. Along with the healthy desire for real life interactions with women.

I intend on removing the PMO from the equation for a more fulfilling life. More fulfilling sex life with wife, and fun with my fetish in a healthy way.

I need to go at least 6 months, a year maybe, totally clean of PMO before getting back into fetish by myself to avoid the triggering.. As they are both intertwined right now.

 

Hey man just want to say that you're not alone. Porn has corrupted my sexual out look for a good while. (Long story short) When I was young around 15-18 I looked at allot of hentai, me and my best friend always talked about it during high school and got into it.. I will always remember the summer of 2008.. We even got into cybering (online sex) with other gals... We both weren't gay and I certainly was not. One day I got curious... There's a genre of Hentai called futanari witch is basically a girl with a vagina and a penis. It of coursed turned me on and me feel good, but I knew I wasn't gay.

Recently over the past year I started to view transsexuals (cross dressing) and I've done some cam sites as well. I guess you could call me bi curious? But I'm not attracted to another other part of a man except the penis and I still want to have a relationship with a woman, etc... But anyway man you aren't alone, P corrupts us in another shape or form over time I guess and we are who we are.

 

Had to read this a second time, quite profound. Excellent way to describe it.

 

Thank you for your comments. I'm going to try my approach of eventually re introducing cross dressing once I feel that the urge to PMO is gone. Could be a year.. Could be less, could be more.

My only thought is that it's generally accepted that satisfying ones urges by one's self is a natural and healthy thing. The problem is the modern P, with its immediate gratification of urges. I have sank countless hours, which add up to Days and days of lost time over almost 20 years of internet P. Definitely unhealthy behavior.

But with the CD fetish, if it can be de-coupled from the porn, I am going to give it a try. It was there before the P. I feel like it's part of me, and likely always will be.

I have researched and read several books when I finally decided to "figure what the hell this CD thing is all about". The unanimously observation is that when a CD tries to remove the urge to dress, it always fails. It's like an identity somehow hard wired. I am a man attracted to women and feminine things. A thought experiment is that I am not attracted to women that dress masculine and have no sense of style. I am attracted to women, without clothes. Oddly enough, I am attracted to the clothes.. enough so that just the clothes are also a turn. Putting those clothes on? Ok, that's exciting, let's try that. Yep feels good.

P is an addiction. Dressing is an identity. That's what I'm trying to say.

I'd like so hear if others have tried to separate the two experiences (P and dressing)

 

There's not such a thing as a female with a dick. It has to be intersex or a transgendered person.

 

What do you mean by that? I don't think that's possible you're mind is probably just really messed up from porn use.

 

[QUOTE = "cosmicology, post: 1840467, miembro: 288071"] Gracias [USER = 289031] @Hand Jive [/ USER] - El crossdressing es algo que todavía me gustaría mucho hacer pero me hace perder el control 'Chateando y masturbándose con otras prendas de lencería, usuarios de nylon. Este no es el comportamiento que quiero que continúe, ya que ocupa demasiado espacio mental y me distrae de muchas maneras. Es una 'manta de confort' si soy honesto y lo uso con demasiada frecuencia. Es hora de tirar la manta y lidiar con el estrés de una manera mucho más saludable.

Espero que si puedo dejar de ver la pornografía dejará los antojos de disfrazarse. Si puedo dejar de vestirme, espero usar mi mente y centrarme en otras actividades más saludables y felices que hacen de mi vida un camino mejor, creativo y empresarial. [/ QUOTE]
Que grandes palabras la verdad me llegaron al corazón y te deseo lo mejor que luches por salir de eso y crescas como persona por que se nota que eres un gran hombre....Saludos desde Colombia : )

 

I get where they are coming from. Perhaps they feel as I do, as I always have, that gender identity is not as concrete as Male or Female.
The IDENTITY part is, for many people, a spectrum. Non binary. I don't identify 100% as a man. I am comfortable in my male body. However I FEEL different from most men, and on many aspects of my personality I identify with traditional feminine traits.

That's my take.

 

Well my take is that it is not supported by science nor religion so I believe it to be a mental disorder or a disability. It just isn't natural.

 

@Forthright Hi , i was in a similiar situatiion with my ex ,but she told me she is not against me in feminine outfits but against my insecure behaviour while wearing it she told me she dont love a sissy but a confident man and a confident man can be sexy in feminine outfits,too,so one day i pushed myself ,dressed up and was a confident version of me seducing her .I was so turned on by the clothing and also by her reaction and body .It was this clichee-thing to just let-go and enjoy the experience .We repeated that alot of times and it went better and better .