Low Confidence/Self-Esteem in Relationships

I too am like you. 30 years old with confidence/self-esteem issues of my own and resorted to PMO at an young age. So I know the feeling.

First thing I worked on about myself is to stop blaming others for my flaws. Take responsiblity and learn how to better yourself in small steps. It's still an work in progress, but nothing can improve if you dont do anything.

I believe the greatest setback of an introvert is not getting out all. What I mean by that is getting out and focusing on you, stuff you'd enjoy. Not chasing women, But going out and doing stuff alone. It will build your confidence, and reshape your personality as you begin encountering people.

Example I would go to dunkin donuts everyday and read an couple of chapters from an manga or book. Occasionally someone would sit next to me and ask about the book or my day. The real test for me was going to several concerts alone. I met some cool people, and even band members. Did I hate going alone with no one to share my experience with? Yes, but I had fun doing it. It gave me something to talk to my friends about building up my confidence. An experience I wouldn't have sitting at home.

So get out of your comfort zone at home and get out an do something. Heck, I've made more friends in my life playing Pokemon Go than I did in college...

In terms of talking with women I too get intimidated by 10's. I freeze up unable to speak an word.

An friend of mine told me to stop playing the rating game. Because most women who are 10's are more like 5's, and 5's are more like 10's once you get to know their personality.

 

Always rebuttle your negative thoughts about yourself asap. The sooner you stop yourself and give yourself positive feedback the better. You need to make it happen everytime else you'll keep dragging yourself down. It will take some time to train your mind, but I get that oh shit what am I thinking and laugh to get my mood up.

 

great advice so far. i really appreciate this thread. it takes courage to talk about your challenges and asking for guidance.

kudos to both of you.

 

Hey @astronerd88

Some words of hope here.
I am 31, had no sex with a girl that wanted to sleep with me as well until i was 31.

I had problems with girls all my life, and still have one area that drives me nuts.
Walking up to a beautiful girl/woman and starting a conversation.
But the second i meet a pretty girl in a class, group etc... literally anything that doesnt involve me having to walk up to her, i am totally fine and i can relax a lot in her company.

The girl i've had sex with was pretty in my eyes, probably considered a 6-7 for most guys. To me she was a 7. And she was almost 180cm tall. But i really liked her, felt attracted to her, and she was the first girl i ever in my life wanted to sleep with because i was ready to have sex and wanted to sleep with a girl due to my own needs, not to make her happy. To make myself happy.

Now, you must understand that girls were an uphill battle from the start for me.
I am 5"7', (169cm), am pretty slim and have a pretty thin dick.

Almost everything about my outside appearance screamed that i shoudnt be able to attract girls. Cause nothing about my appearance is attractive from a girls point of view when they first met me when i was in my teens and twenties.

But you MUST understand that attraction doesn't work the same way for girls as it does for guys. While we are mainly judging based (mainly) on looks, a lot of woman(i'd say the majority) acutally aren't. When i ended up sleeping with this beautiful girl, it was really amazing.I wasn't her "Type" at all. I was too small for her.
BUT... by now, i can be a lot of fun for any girl around me and she noticed that as well...

And that didn't "just happen". I stopped comparing myself to other men, started to work out regularly, got a nice athletic bodyshape and started owning who i am, that also included my dick, which i felt bad about all my life.
And what was IMPERATIVE for my success with that girl was .:

She never got the slightest hint about any of my insecurities, because I KNEW it will turn her off.
YOU HAVE TO OWN YOURSELF. PERIOD.

Nobody wants a winy bitch. And i certainly wouldnt want to be with one either.

Prior to meeting that girl, I also faced all my fears outside of talking to girls, went skydiving and bungee jumping for my fear of hights, forced myself to be around dogs a lot because i was so scared of them, and fulfilled my life long dream of meeting a great white shark in a cage underwater. I also went into a pool with a crocodile and saw them in the wild as well.

Nothing of this had anything to do with woman, but it boosted my confidence immensely.
And why? Because jumping out of a plane, jumping alone into the abyss attached to a rope and forcing myself to be around dogs is a similar experience as it is to talk to girls for me.
All of that shit had to do with ACTIVELY choosing to leave my comfort zone and do something i think is either incredibly hard or even impossible for me to do or achieve.

And before i knew i will meet the girl again, (that was a set "agenda"), I also talked to a shitload of people on how to fuck a girl properly, how to behave around woman and looked everything up on the internet on how to satisfy a girl without putting my dick into her.

And low and behold, after all the hard work and effort in put into preparing for an amazingly good first time, I had the most beautiful first time anyone could have wished for due to all of that.

And guess what would have happened with us if i would have ignored my responisibility to make it beautiful not just for her, but for the sake of myself.
Don't get me wrong, that girl was still an Angel and it was beautiful because she was the person i needed at this stage in my life.
I didn't get her because Life thought i deserve her.
I got this experience because i put in the hard work. I tested her character numerous times and she did the same with me, just with the difference that she probably did that without thinking about it and i did it because i know how important the character of a woman is and i want a good time for myself.
Knowing who to keep and who to get rid of is extremely important if you want to be happy in life.

That experience really felt like i have finally reached the peak of a mountain that seemed impossible to climb before.
And when i finally lifted myself up over the edge of the last rocky cliff of the mountain, and I took my final steps towards the peak, the sun started to warm my face, i started to smile, taking a look at the beautiful view that the world unfolded in front of me, crying with happiness of what i was able to achieve by taking responsility for my own life and putting in the work.

I conquered that mountain.

And that showed me that there is almost nothing you cannot achieve if you put your heart and soul into it.


I want the same for you mate.
Anyone can do it. But you MUST be willing to step outside your comfort zone and do shit that scares you. And fail. Fail a lot. The more we fail, the more lessons we learn and will be able to implement them into our lives, so we have a better future.

Congratulations if you made it through all of this, i am happy to answer any questions you may have

 

Sounds like youre putting women on a pedestal and youre making your self worth dependent on them.

 

First of all you should understand the causes of your low confidence. It could be different conditions, including stress and depression. If you have signs of these two problems, I would reccomend you to read an article on SmartPillWiki about regaining lost confidence by the managing stress and depression.

 

Echoing what others have said above, you need to focus on yourself. Congratulations, you are single, which means you have plenty of time to do so! I made most of my gains in the gym in a 6 month period when I didn't have a girlfriend and it means you have all the time to be selfish and build the best you! Let's get those to-do lists drawn up! Let's work on being the best you possible. How does your wardrobe look? Do you have a good fashion style? Have a look at "men's fashion" on google or pinterest and take note of the styling. Wearing some good combos really helps, and it's really just taking the time to about this stuff and get some applied knowledge.

Secondly, you might want to make a list of attributes you like about women that are NOT physical. That is, are you looking for a girl who can crack you up? Someone who runs every day, or someone who doesn't really care for exercise? Someone who like action movies? Someone who wants to visit Asia, or Europe? Someone who likes getting up early, and will give you the spark to get out of bed too? Sarcastic and goofy? Serious and super calm in a crisis? Intelligent? Good with words? Expertise in technology? What types of hobbies? Does she need to know how to dance, as that's important to you? Does she need to enjoy hiking? Does she like pets?

Have a think - the physical stuff is really dependent on winning the gene pool lottery, and none of us have control over that. The personality is what really makes a relationship, and the only way to find that out is by taking up hobbies and talking to people. I met my wife in a tap dancing class of all places.

CLA

 

Me too

 

i used to have a gym membership that i ended up having to negotiate with myself over treats or sinful pleasures in order to make myself go, lest the monthly fee.

if you like to go out for drinks or indulge in excessive amounts of sweets periodically, make a compromise with yourself that you have to rack up a certain amount of gym time to get a night out or a gallon of ice cream for the fridge. i slacked after a while and was only able to corner myself in the thirty minutes after work that the gym was still open.....cause i wanted to go out and it was only 30 minutes max. heh..... i wish i had these sorts of conundrums now. my life is way less comfortable now.