Help with ED

Hey everyone,

Im a 22 yo male and Ill be turning 23 in a few months. I have been PMOing to porn for probably 6 years, sometimes multiple times per day. For about the past year I did some nofap streaks, some as long as a month. That's because I realized that something was wrong. I was suspicious that I had ED. When I would PMO I would only get fully hard right before I was about to cum. And I hadn't even tried to masturbate without porn in years, but when I did try it took a lot of effort and constant stimulation to get hard enough to finish.

Well I of course ended up relapsing from those streaks and using porn again. I am doing thing a little differently now. I'm currently 2 days from a 4-week streak. But this time I'm not just abstaining from PMO but I'm also dating real women. I've never been in a relationship, and never even had a kiss. I was never in situations with girls where I could experience arousal from real life. But since I've been on this streak and been dating I had my first kiss last week. And tonight I had a date with another girl and it went pretty far. We made out a lot and I fingered her. It was great that I was doing things with a real girl, but I wasn't getting hard. There were a few brief moments when I would get a semi but then it would disappear and there would be nothing. She kept trying to grab it and was begging for oral but I had to stop her because I couldn't get hard.

There are a couple of takeaways from this and a few reasons why I'm really concerned. Firstly, wanting to PMO and sexual arousal are COMLETELY different things. I was finally doing everything short of sex with a real girl and I wasn't getting aroused, physically or emotionally. My mind is so programmed to associate porn with sex that my wiring is all screwed up. This is made worse by the fact that I've never been intimate with a girl so that correct wiring never developed in me, I was using porn for so long, and I learned how to masturbate incorrectly (I masturbated prone and flaccid, so that I had to wait for my erections to fade before I could cum. I did this exclusively for the first year or so, basically programming my mind that I cant be hard to ejaculate. When finally learned how to masturbate correctly it took me a while to be able to maintain an erection. Then a few years later I started abusing porn).

So I feel like the cards are stacked against me here. I've programmed my mind with all the wrong habits to create the perfect storm for ED. Honestly any advice or help would be greatly appreciated. Ways to recover faster etc. Honestly girls like me and I'm apparently very attractive, but inside I feel completely inadequate.

 

Hi Toni,

Eventually I realized that I wasn't masturbating normally and I became scared that I was causing a lot of damage to the base of my penis. I remember the first time I tried to masturbate normally. It took me a long time to get an erection and it was hard to maintain it. Eventually I started masturbating normally, but I started using porn almost immediately. First bikini ads etc, then internet porn. So I always had an erection just long enough to finish and it was constant stimulation. After years of that I developed PIED which I have now. So I never really recovered. But I was able to stop masturbating prone because I was scared of the damage. And I quit porn now because I want real sex in a real relationship and I'll never have that if I continue using porn.

 

Hey everyone, just posting an update. Its 40 days now. I have been cheating a little. I have touched myself a little to get hard in the shower, but nothing serious. I know I shouldn't but it was encouraging to get an erection, even if it disappears immediately. I had an orgasm in my sleep around night 35. It was in my sleep but I was aware it was happening in my dream? If that makes any sense. I think I was fully hard which is good.

Tonight I had my second sexual experience. We made out for a while, then I fingered her and gave her oral to orgasm twice. I never got hard but I got a but of a semi a few times. I'm noticing that I still don't particularly enjoy these things. My brain still associates sex with staring at a screen. I still haven't developed the wiring to connect real sensations with arousal, namely touch, taste, etc. Its sad because even when I was fingering her and making out at the same time I wasn't getting hard. It's frustrating, but I feel like its getting better. I might try every month or so for progress reports. If anyone has any advice I would appreciate it.

I may be in the flatline (currently day 40) so that could definitely be part of it.

 

53 day streak now. I have a couple of thoughts.

I had another sexual experience tonight (3rd time) of making out and fingering her. I've noticed that I'm getting more aroused at the beginning. When we fist start making out etc I start getting hard. But after a while it disappears and then not even a wiggle. It's disappointing but it's definitely improvement.

I haven't even given relapse a serious thought during this streak. I attribute that to the fact that I'm going on real dates with real women now. I was so tied to the digital world that it extended well beyond porn. I had never been on a date before this streak, or at least never been on a date with some degree of sexuality present. Most of my romantic/sexual interactions with girls had been online. Dating apps, or penpal websites, but no meeting in person. So while I was developing a digital sexual connection to porn, I was developing social/romantic/sexual connections to online women instead of real women. My reward center was stimulated when I got a reply from a girl I liked, and sexual escalation meant sexting. I developed "relationships" online, sometimes with women from other countries. I went through incredible sadness, depression even, from the "rejection" when a girl disappears or stops answering. And it comes with this strange obsession for finding the perfect girl, a girl that meets a weird ill-defined mental checklist of things Im looking for. The crazy thing is that you cant really get to know someone through text. And furthermore, I've noticed when I'm with a girl in person, the this "checklist" is meaningless because I can see her as a real human instead of an object that exists to fill whatever I think I'm lacking in life. The things that I think I want from the perfect "digital girl" really disappear when I'm dating for real. This is no small thing, and it goes way beyond porn. It's about living in the real world, actually knowing other people on a real level, and actually knowing self in a genuine way.

 

Have you had any good streaks? I think we always have to find something positive to which to attach our aspirations. The mind is more powerful than we realize and hope is the way out of getting caught up in resentment and manifesting our fears. Honestly I have no idea if I will ever be able to have sex because I've never done it and I've programmed my brain/body to not be able to. But clinging to hope is more likely to produce the outcome that I desire and more likely to lead me down a path that doesn't lead to resentment and oblivion. So I don't think its luck that we need, it's will power fueled by hope.

 

66 days now. I think I'm definitely in a flatline. I don't even feel the urge to touch myself at all. It's been this way for about two weeks now. During this streak I did touch myself a few times to make myself hard, but I don't have the urge to do that any more. I've even seen a few pornographic images a few times, but it has no effect on me. I don't get the urge to PMO or even get excited when I see it.

I've been seeing this girl for about a week. She is gorgeous and really into me (she has 20k+ Instagram followers, to put it into perspective). We spent the night together last night, and she was begging for sex. My ED is still far from cured though. I got about 75% hard at one point and she was touching me through my pants. But then I lost my erection and couldn't get even a wiggle, even while she was begging for it. I couldn't bring myself to tell her the truth about my ED, and she was understandably confused about why I wouldn't have sex with her. It kills me being like this, but there is hope. The fact that I'm getting more aroused when I'm with real girls than when I see pornographic images is encouraging. I'm nowhere near ready for sex, but there is no doubt that my body and mind are well into recovery. I put my mind and penis through years of abuse and I'm only 66 days into recovery, so I cant help but feel grateful. My libido is very low and my penis still has little to no sensitivity, but I feel that the porn-brain connection is dying and the women-brain connection is just now being created for the first time in my life. So when my libido and sensitivity return I'm sure I'll be ready for sex.

One final note which is really cool and unplanned. Christmas day 2018 will be 90 days for me. What a fantastic gift it will be. I don't expect to be fully healed, but I'll be in a much better place than I was a year ago.

 

67 days. New exciting update. Im starting to get some sensitivity back. In the shower this morning, the water was directly hitting my penis, and I could actually feel it. And it gave me just a little bit of a semi. I was feeling actual stimulation from the water, something that hasn't happened in years. Its not much, but this is really encouraging that I can reverse the damage. The ultimate goal is to be able to achieve an erection with just my thoughts, but I honestly haven't been able to do that for as long as I can remember

 

Day 81 and I have some updates. I've definitely been feeling some urges to PMO and I edged a few times, not to p though. Ive actively sought pics on Instagram etc, which definitely cheating because its the digital search that's giving me the dopamine hit my brain wants. I didn't reset my counter because I don't consider it a relapse, but im sure its prolonging my recovery. I feel like Ive hit a plateau where I can get semi-hard at times during the beginning of making out, but then it disappears and I cant get anything back no matte what I do. Ive had to decline sex, oral, grinding, etc many times. But I have to take ownership of the plateau because Ive been giving my brain some dopamine with edging and Instagram, chatting with girls online, etc. The urges returned after I had a full wet dream with an ejaculation on December 5 or 6. I was definitely asleep but I was waking up as I started to O. In the dream I wasn't watching porn but I think I was looking at a screen. Ive actually never had a wet dream in which I was having sex... probably because Im a virgin and my brain never had the opportunity to associate stimulation and O with real women and real sexual experiences. After that wet dream I feel like the urges to PMO were reawaked, and although I don't think about porn I do feel the edge to sext and get nudes, etc, which is really the same thing. It's about the search, and its about getting a dopamine hit from digital stimulation. There is a silver lining though, and that is that Im having sexual experiences with women pretty frequently, like 1-2 per week. And even the pathetic semi erections that I get with real women are better than the ones I get when Im flirting online or looking at IG photos. When Im searching in the digital world I feel really good, I get a rush of energy in my stomach and head, that's the dopamine I guess, but I wont get an erection unless I start touching myself. When Im with real women I am at least getting a little hard a certain moment without touching. So that for sure is a sign that healing is happening. Considering that I spent over an hour/day watching P for years before I ever kissed a girl, I'm confident that Im making progress even though it feels like a plateau. I don't expect anything to be different on day 90, I'm almost there now. But my goal is to resist all edging and Instagram. My brain is searching for that high and as long as Im providing it Im not going to heal. I just have to keep developing the right brain connections and kill the old PMO ones.

 

Day 127. Well not really. Ive been cheating quite a bit for the last few weeks. I've been using soap and stroking to get myself hard in the shower. I've also gotten nudes from girls. It's crazy how we fool ourselves into that dopamine hit by justifying things to ourselves through lies. I'm not going to O so its not really M. I got a nude from a real girl so its not really P. At 100+ days with an erection its crazy because you can O and/or ejaculate with a small amount of stimulation. One time I was standing in the bathroom and made myself hard. I dropped my erection on the sink counter and that triggered a mini O. I've had a couple of mini O's with a small ejaculation. I didn't know that was possible, but they are definitely not full O's. I know its cheating but I'm just going to get back on track and not count this time as a relapse because its not about a streak, its about lifestyle change. And Im realizing more and more its about confronting the emotional pain that we used PMO to mask. I still have ED and it doesn't seem like its getting better. I cant achieve any kind of erection without touching myself. and Even when I get an erection while touching myself, it goes soft instantly when I stop touching. I've definitely undone some of the progress Ive made in terms of sensitivity by stoking in the shower.Light touching still does nothing and cant get me hard. I was with a girl a few weeks ago and we started making out and I was fingering her. I didnt even get a bit of a semi. That contributed to my sadness and hopelessness and me backsliding. Im still using dating apps and talking to girls but Ive fallen back into the habit of talking online/getting nudes rather than actually meeting up because I know Im not going to be able to get an erection. Its an excuse that allows me to stay feed the addiction I know. And on top of it I find myself slipping into depression almost weekly. There is no doubt that PMO was a drug for masking emotional issues, it just also happened to have damaging affect physiologically and maybe even physically. I feel like I may never be able to have sex. Im going to make a commitment to stop edging and stop looking at nudes at least to 180 days and see where I am at.

 

New updates. Ive started taking 5htp to serotonin to help with my mood and I think it has really been helping. Ive also started taking zma, garlic, l-arginine, panax ginseng, and pycnogenol for the past 3 days and Im getting morning wood. One day it didn't disappear as soon as I stood up and actually lasted about 60 seconds after I stood up. I don't know if Ive ever sustained an erection for that long. Ive reduced the touching of my penis since Feb 1 and I haven't touched it at all in any stimulating way since Feb 7. Ive also applied coconut oil a few times as I read it helps with restoring nerve sensitivity.

I think the lack of edging and stimulation has put me back in a flatline. Im not getting random erections and my penis feels dead and shriveled most of the time. My mood is better though and Ive started consistently lifting 4 times a week again after taking a few months off. Realistically I should start a new streak since I stopped edging but its about the lifestyle change and not the streak so the number doesn't even matter.

I haven't been to a porn website in 140 days and that's a big accomplishment. I used to waste more than an hour on porn every day, skip events or show up late, just to feel terrible about myself. That disgusting ritual of going into the bathroom to PMO feels like a distant memory and I have no desire to do it. I don't have porn fantasies anymore, only sex fantasies. I even had my first sex dream a few weeks ago (not a wet dream, but a realistic sex dream). Ive had wet dreams before but they were always about porn. Im normalizing my dopaminergic system so that I can derive pleasure from everyday things again, although Im certainly not there yet. Im dealing with a lot of the negative emotions that the PMO was masking. Im dating real women, and dealing with all of the insecurities and pain associated with that that I never confronted. Im on my way.

 

142 days. Ive been talking to a girl I really like. She sent me some videos of herself giving head to some guy in the past. Really weird lol. I still haven't touched my penis since 2/8 but seeing that video is a little cheat. Still feel like im in a flat line. No morning wood today.

 

I had morning wood today but overall my penis feels dead and shriveled. Im definitely back in a flatline. God this is frustrating. I was edging, seeking, etc during the 140+ day streak and the whole time I was convincing myself that the streak was intact. Realistically my streak started on 2/8 when I completely stopped touching my penis. Remembering back on this journey I had the most progress during the first two months or so. I was able to get about 50% hard while making out, but then it would go away and not come back. That was still progress and if I had stuck with it I might be better. But I started cheating and edging and lost my progress. It was some negative emotional experiences and dreams that caused me to backslide and start cheating from days 80-128 (or somewhere in that range). I was edging almost every night in the shower, getting pics from girls, etc. Im just about a worst case scenario so it may take more than a year without cheating to be cured. Life is complicated and I feel so much pressure. There are so many beautiful girls that want to get with me and I want them too but I know that I cant and they will just move on to someone else.

 

I got a nude from a girl last night and I finally realized how detrimental that is. I was feeling a rush of excitement right before she sent it. THAT IS THE PORN CIRCUITRY IN MY BRAIN. Duh, its so obvious but I somehow rationalize it. Like, its a real girl so its not porn. I also noticed that when I do things that activate the porn-dopamine system in my brain I do not get an erection. My penis almost feels like it shrivels. My arousal isnt even linked to erections. It's quite strange. This is why the rewiring is so important. I was getting partial erections with real girls from kissing around two months in. But when I started edging and getting nudes again I lost that progress. This porn-dopamine circuitry is a monster that Im so dependent upon - so used to feeding it that if I stop I feel incomplete, depressed, insecure, worthless. Ive also realized that I need to rewire with a girl that is supportive. Ive never told any of them about my ED and I feel that Im using them for my own benefit. Sure, I like them but Im still lying. But I feel so insecure because everyone else is so experienced sexually, every time I like a girl I get jealous about her past partners and feel sick when I think about her being with other guys sexually. There are deep emotional reasons for this probably, but it makes it harder to be honest about my problem. I think I need a monogamous relationship with a supportive girl that will be patient and help me rewire in a healthy way with positive emotion and love. If Im just trying to hook up with girls to cure myself then Im still seeing women as objects. Nofap is much more than abstaining from p and o, its about literally cutting off the old structures of your life, forcing you to confront your most painful truths, and try to heal and replace them with new structures.

The other thing on my mind is my erectile health. Im thinking I should get checked out by a Dr. just to make sure everything is ok physically. Because of the way I learned to masturbate and immediately transitioning to porn, Ive never had healthy erections and Ive never built up the wiring that sexual stimulation leads to strong enduring erections. I masturbated prones and flaccid, forcing the base of my flaccid penis into the corners of counter tops, etc and would o completely flaccid sometimes under my entire bodyweight. Then when I strarted to masturbate normally I never would sustain an erection without constant stimulation. I dont know if I did actual physical damage t my penis that doesn't allow me to sustain an erection or if its all in the brain.

 

Last nght I made out with a girl at the movies and was getting pretty hard from it - dont know exactly how hard but maybe 70%. It went away really fast though. Probably about back to where I was at my best before I started cheating.