Wife found out my secret, wants to leave with my 4 month's old daughter

This is true. Any addiction, whether PMO, drugs, or whatever, clouds your judgement, and changes your personality.

 

I understand what you mean, but from a woman's perspective it's very different. He has not been physical with another woman, but instead fantasized about thousands and thousands of them. For women, this is just soul shattering to know. Imagine if your wife or girlfriend told you "you should know that every man I met before you satisfied me a lot more in bed than you ever have". She hasn't cheated, yet she has made you feel absolutely inadequate. Every feeling of intimacy that you have after knowing this would be tainted and every time you closed your eyes you would picture her with her former lovers, enjoying herself and laughing at your shortcomings. This is how pa feels for a woman... Insult her as a person and she might be a little sad, insult her femininity and she will be destroyed.

 

thank you that's actually a great metaphor for helping me understand.

 

I know exactly how you feel. Many of us do. Guilt, fear, threat, loss.
For a family man, the prospect of losing our loved ones to a mistake of our own and such a hideous, pathetic and INTENTIONAL mistake feels like the end of the world. So we do the obvious thing, clench our fists, steel our resolve and let nothing take our family.
Problem is that’s wrong. That won’t secure our loved ones. @GhostWriter, @Mordobarn and others have pointed out, its her decision if she stays.
Her hurt is very real and her perspective that you cheated is valid and true. It took me a long time (I guess I’m not that bright) to truly understand that every sexual distraction of any type is a betrayal of the possibility of the best possible marriage and family. Porn, Facebook, sports illustrated, the girls at the gym, the fantasy of your ex’s or that coworker is all the same waste of time. If you let mental fantasy replace intimacy why should your wife stick with you? She wants you to prioritize her and your marriage above everything as that is the core to your family health.
The way you do this is not demand she stick with you on promise of commitment to change. We are not in the position to demand or guarantee as our word is worthless (yay addicts
You need to take deep stock of yourself, work to understand the addiction and it’s power and it’s power over you. You need to WANT THIS FOR YOURSELF REGARDLESS OF THE STATUS OF YOUR RELATIONSHIP.
Remember, you’re not doing this for your family, you are doing this so you can have a future and be part of a family. You need to change because you are not willing to live a life where Porn, masturbation and fantasy have more power over you than love and family.
You have to unclench your fists and let go of the illusion you can control her. You need to sacrifice properly and consistently not for guranteed reward but because the reward of possibly being good enough to earn your wife’s love and trust is worth the sacrifice, even if she decides your not worthy.

Aim to be the best possible person you can be, speak the truth to her. Be determined but earn it, don’t demand it.

Good luck

 

You now have the opportunity to find strategies to destress that are good for you, rather than bad for you. Finding a form of physical exercise that you can enjoy is a brilliant way of destressing that makes you feel better: physically, mentally and even morally. Every time you make a positive choice you are taking a step towards being a better person, and a step away from the behaviour that you want out of your life. Some sports like running or cycling can be quite meditative, and sports that require more focus and strategy can induce a flow state, where you are totally focussed on the activity and the moment, which can also help with relieving stress.

Try not to replace damaging coping mechanisms such as masturbation (especially to porn) and alcohol misuse with other damaging coping mechanisms. We all find ways to cope with stress, pain and worry, but there are strategies that make things better and strategies that make our situation worse, even if we feel better in the moment.

Exercise is a way to get rid of stress, anxiety, self-esteem issues, excess weight, and to feel better in many ways. Give it a try.

 

Dear mrs dans,
Please forgive your husband for his porn and masturbation addictions. It has nothing to do with you. He was probably hooked since his youth as most of us were. Its not his fault that he was raised in a hypersexual world where sex has become more important then ones own faith.
Its very brave of him to admit to this to you. I wish i could tell my wife of 30 plus yrs but shed take it personally and probably kick me out of the house.
Please help him with this battle. You wont be sorry. The transformation you will see in him will amaze you.
BTW you might work with a few guys who suffer from the samething. A brother or two, a cousin, your father, we porn addicts are everywhere. Many People that you like and love are porn addicts. Its widely accepted that watching porn is okay nowadays. Your husband is a cool guy who loves his wife and kid so much. He knows its wrong and wants to fix it. What a awesome guy your husband is.