Not doing well with this new vision of my husband...

I just wanted to say this.
Don't jump out of the boat when things get tough.
It is easy to be a good partner when things are going great,but expecting life to be perfect is unreasonable.
That is why this hit you so hard,because you didn't think it was possible.You ignored the dark side of life and lived in clouds.Now you need to see the life and relationships how they really are.
When you really love somebody(like you said you do) you don't just leave them when they are weak.He needs your help.It is an addiction like any other and many many man suffer from it,even women.You wouldn't believe,but you are lucky because this is not so terrible compared to other addictinos.Don't think for a second that he doesn't love you or his family more than anything.Porn didn't change that.What changed?You said he was a great husband for all this time,only you didn't know about this problem...He didn't changed apparently.He was like that all along,it is how you see things that changed.Together through storm.

 

As much as I can see your good intentions, I disagree. Strongly.
I'm sure you have your reasons for putting things this way, but let me show you what I read from your post.
I'm going to do the little translating exercise I did with jbird's post.

You say:

I hear:
You're the one with the problem! Not him!

You say:

I hear:
Sticking to your marriage is more important than your sanity.

You say:

I hear:
You're responsible for him getting over this addiction. If you don't help him, no one will.

You say:

I hear:
Stop whining about this little problem. Everyone does it.


This, my friend, as much as I can understand you, is the direct road into CO-ADDICTION. You're turning the tables by making his problem into hers. This will make it all the easier for him to keep doing what we all were doing.

I AGREE that husband and wife should stick together for life, together through the storm. But an addiction is a form of illness that needs the correct treatment. And he needs to wake up before the treatment can begin.

Forgive me if I come across as rude. That's not my intention.

 

How easy is to twist everything...No offence but I don't even want to bother to correct you or argue,but for the sake of OP I'll do it this time.

1st-the fact that she lived in clouds doesn't mean it's her fault for his porn addiction.It is just an explanation why is she so surprised by discovering it.

2nd-there is a limit to a person's behavior ofc,but many times people give up too quickly.They don't try to fix things like in the past,but choose ultimatums that lead to so many divorces and the kids are affected too.

3rd-I don't know what to say to this line of thinking.If you don't help the one you love,do you even love him/her?Yeah,chances are no one will help him if she doesn't initiate it.Unless he has a godly revelation that is and sees his wrong ways.

4th-I'm not telling her to stfu,I'm just telling facts here.It is the easiest addiction to overcome.True?
I'm trying to tell her it is not the end of the world,it can be overcome and dealt with.That's why I'm saying it's easiest.Not to make a bigger problem than it is.His problem is also hers problem too,because it clearly affects her and they live together as husband and wife and share everything good and bad.I'm not blaming her in any way for his porn addiction,I don't know how you got that. And it is not my intention to be rude,but you need to stop reading between the lines and pay more attention the actual lines.You twisted every word of my post,but looking at it later I can see how it might have been misunderstood.It is not easy to convey a thought correctly without explaining every sentance in detail,which I hate doing because it looks obvious to me while writing it.

 

As you surely know, only some 7% of communication are the actual words themselves. The rest is tone, gestures, facial expressions - which is all missing in a forum like this.

What does that spell?

It is quite easy to misunderstand things in a written communication. Apparently, I have misread your arguments and I apologize for that.

Still, I have to read between the lines, because you can't survive on 7%. You cannot not read between the lines, just like you cannot not communicate. It's impossible.

I tried to make it clear that this is how I understood or received what you were saying/sending. It is my personal perception and is in no way representative. But at the same time, it is eligible. Just like yours.

Okay, on to the arguments.

1 - Half agreed. Why would she live in clouds expecting that her husband is faithful to her?

2 - Agreed. People tend to give up too quickly.

3 - Agreed. What kind of help did you have in mind?

4 - What makes PMO the easiest addiction to be overcome? It's not a rhetorical question. I'd really like to know. What makes it different from gambling, alcohol, drugs and the like?

Sorry, jbird, for hijacking your thread.

 

1-Why I said she was living in clouds?It's because she said she always saw them as a perfect couple,but the truth is people are not perfect,so there are no perfect couples.Like if something looks too good to be true it's probably not.You should always expect people to "betray"(maybe too harsh word, should I say disappoint) you.I'm not saying not to trust anyone,but always keep in mind that they are just people and everybody has some faults even if they are not always clearly visible.I'm just saying from what I've observerd in life.If you entrust your self fully with people you will get burned sometimes.But probably love is the reason people forget about this,so I can't really blame anyone.I probably said that because I am personally never surprised when people do such bad things,because I've seen it so much.Ok,enough about that.It is really not important for the thread.It probably looked like accusing.Sorry OP.

3.Ok,I'm clearly not an expert on how to help in this situation,but there are a people who are,and OP can help her husband by searching for external help.She is doing this by posting here and this may help,but maybe she shuold look for a professional if it is required?Not for me to decide.

4.Ok maybe the mechanism of action is the same or similar,but It cannot be denied that It is easier to control urge for M than for heroin or alcohol for e.g. so it is easier to overcome the addiction? Maybe I'm wrong,but that is how I feel when comparing the withdrawal symptoms.

OP I wish you luck and that you find the answers you need.There is hope,don't give up.

 

Hello JBIRD22!

I must confess its a really touching story.But its never late,you both can make a good start.process might be very slow as if u understand this its a medical condition,and no doctor or GP can say that s/he can fix your problem in this XX time.so as i said this will take time.its not about not looking P for a week/month/year but its about reversing the damages that he has done to his mind & body.I know its frustrating on first but if we decide it and are determined we can win over this too.And i don't want you to feel down further, we all know its tough but it is achievable to make him clear n clean of all this.

Try this...

1.Make yourself STRONG.Its most important thing to handle anything and everything in life.Don't curse yourself for this problem anymore as its certainly not your fault,no at all!you are an individual identity and first you must be strong enough to handle the difficulties of life.life is never smooth for anyone in a mean or other.You are a proud mother,a loving wife(as u wrote all) and all other things that you have achieved down the course of your life.Negative thinking and cursing yourself will make things worse in all ways u name it.So care for yourself,your children and of course your husband too.Stay positive,self motivated,read good stuff,pray to God to give you strength and courage.And I am sure when you two as a family won over this,you will feel very proud on yourself and your attitude towards this at the end.

2.Its a medical condition,its an illness so has to deal with it in the same way as we do for other illness/diseases.At this stage you understand all this,but your husband might not,so when he'll know all this a change comes from withing itself n this stage/realization is a must in this battle.

(a)First make your husband realize that he is certainly on a wrong track.Don't ask him a lot,don't be hatred to him(n most imp not anymore on urself)i.e. plz don't seem to be(as m sure hes more n more hatred abt himself right now).Its all about support,affection,understanding and care. Thats all we all want right??so does your husband too.
slowly but surely make him realize that what he and both of you as a family are losing and might lose further just coz of this addiction(don't say just "coz of him" hes same but addiction is main problem) .Make him feel you are with him through out his healing way.Make him understand that all this affecting his conduct towards everything,society,his life,mind,body,your future,children's future and make him realise what your children and rest of family and friends will think when they would come to know all about this, and if he continues this they'll surely know this somehow one day.Its all about realizing him that what he is doing is ABSOLUTELY WRONG,as a boy i can understand this now its totally wrong!But remember its has to be done with affection and in a careful friendly manner.When husband-wife becomes friends then all other things go away by themselves,and its damn true.

(b) While doing this ask him to do regular exercise like running,breathing techniques,stretching and most important MEDITATION(as its very effective and has magical healing power as far as cleaning brain n soul is concerned).He may anticipate himself in some sort of sports too but its has to be an outdoor 1st as it heals fast.And doing this will further makes things easier for both of you.body has to excrete negative chemicals also and exercise is a must of that.

3.Give him proper time to heal as it will surely take a long time.Its not about leaving FPMO for a while but about completely eradicating this from his brain,as its one of the most severe addictions i have seen so far.(i don't had any addiction not even for tea,but look was too trapped in this).But yeah its curable and absolutely achievable.He has been training his mind-body since a long time as you cannot expect this to reverse in a week or months(but hell start realizing positive and reversing effects within weeks or so).Once hell start feeling the positive effects,it'll be more easier for him to get rid of all this.Don't expect anything instantly and just dump this in his brain also that he has to go a long way,its curable/reversible n with ur support/help and coordination you both can do it.
Indulge him more and more in public events,try to de-stress both of you by hanging out with friends,relatives,family,functions,just go for walks with you kids(even on terrace or garden,as your baby is really small n it may not be possible to go out for long),watch tv together and make ur home/surroundings full with positives.When u'll be able to do all bad stuffs will go away and u wont even realize when they did so.

But for all of this to happen...the most imp thing...U have to be STRONG!You are the driving force in this battle and m sure the kind of change and turnaround a lady can give to her family is amazing,incredible and matchless!(as we all have seen and realized this in our family too as mother,sister they r purest form of care and unconditional affection that we can have in this world).When you wake up daily make promise to yourself and make him do as well-that at least for today ull stay +ve and fight successfully this battle(make every single day count for urself and him.

So just do it slowly but steadily and let it take its own course of time.

Good Luck...

 

watch the 6 gary wilson youtube videos 'your brain on porn" alone
then get him to watch them with you

part 1:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aS9...d=TKDFsLi2oBk&annotation_id=annotation_962458

 

jbird, my heart reaches out to you. I'm married and have 3 kids. I've been married for 8.5 years and my wife has known about my problems for 5 years this May. You've gotten a lot of advice, so I want to keep it short.

I agree with the advice for YOU and your husband to get counseling. It was hard for my wife and I to take that step, but it is important.

It is not clear to me whether your husband is actively trying to stop and has slip-ups every once and a while or he is not really trying to stop. In my mind, that is the biggest question. If he is not trying and he knows how much it hurts you... then you need to forget about him and cut your losses. But not telling you when he stumbles when he has been trying and succeeding for a time is a different story.

I can tell you I have been trying to stop my habits/addictions to PMO for almost 2 decades now and I am still not 100% clean. It is really hard to admit it to my wife when I stumble because of my shame and disappointment in myself on top of the pain I know she feels when I tell her.

I think rk2 and seventyniner have given level-headed advice and I would encourage you to find support by confiding in someone. And learn about how co-dependency tears you up if you let it.

I'll finish with this last snippet of a story:
The morning after I told my wife about my PMO problems, my wife wrote me a note and put it in my lunch. It said, "Tomorrow is a new day". That note broke my heart and meant the world to me at the same time.

 

Oh man, how awesome. When I finally came clean to my then fiancee on a long walk one night, she didn't say a word. After I was done, she just hugged me for the longest time.

 

seventyniner I agree with so much of what you posted. I firmly believe that any partner who is married to an addict needs to look within to find out why they attracted that type of spouse to begin with.

In my marriage ALL of the redflags and signs were there but I ignored them because I didn't want to be alone. I also thought that because my husband was a "good guy" I couldn't do any better. I know a LOT of women that feel that way. If he is not beating you then you stick with him. It's kind of sad because my husband didn't treat me very well. Thankfully we have turned it around.

 

Not an expert, but from what I can see, I think you need to link him to the Your Brain On Porn website, then tell him you understand he has an issue and you will support him with this IF he gets help.

If he doesn't choose to change AND stick with it, you will be forced to leave him and that is that.

Make it clear you WILL SUPPORT him, but ONLY if he tries to change.

Don't get into an argument with him when you express this initially. He will be in denial, he will be pissed, he will tell YOU that YOU are crazy and he will deflect as much as possible because you just hit him hard, in the places that hurt a man the worst. It isn't your fault obviously, but you still held up the mirror because you love him. It will take a week or two for it fully sink in, maybe a full month. Give him that chance, but he needs to understand that at the end of the day, he will need to be accountable for his actions OR he will be divorced.

Then know, he WILL back slide. Look how many of us PIED guys here break our NoFap after a month or two and have to do it again. If he has an addiction to Porn, it will be tough to quit and it isn't a sign that he he doesn't love, its a sign that an addiction is controlling his brain. You will need to be supportive BUT firm in a way where you are not the nagging wife, but holding him accountable, making him realize that small missteps are not the end of the world, but that he still has to keep moving forward and that there will be consequences as a result. You need to be his partner here, and yes, it will be fucking hard on you but if you both do it properly, it will make you much much stronger.

You give him a year or so max, if he refuses to change and you can no longer tolerate it, then you start moving on.

That is my 2 cents as a man. You got into the relationship with him, now unfortunately, it is up to you to help him realize his stupidity/addiction/whatever and help him. It would be his job to help you if the situation was reversed.

But, we are men. You have to know HOW to get us to do something we don't want to do, when we don't even understand there is a problem there and that problem goes to the entire core of our self esteem, ego and what it is to be a man. Its HARD to see that. He thinks you wont leave him, so he can do whatever he wants. On the flip side, he is addicted so he can't really stop doing it, and he may not even know it.

He needs to understand what the problem is, what the risks are, why he needs to resolve this problem and what the rewards are if he does.

Your job is to figure out a way to push him to be the better man, to be what he should be. It wont be easy, but it is certainly doable.

If he flat out refuses (even after a month or so after he cools off from the initial shock of what you tell him), then maybe you need to leave for a while, leaving the door open for a return should he straighten himself up. If he comits, then you come back and you help him. If he takes security that you came back and he can back slide, you leave one more time. I wouldn't give him more than 2 chances in that situation, but I would give him the second chance, just because hard headed men usually don't wake up on the first chance.

That is my 2 cents and god knows, I am not an expert.

 

Hi Jbird22....

I think u r going well,at least better than earlier.Before all this u have to make him understand that what he is doing is totally wrong,n when he'll realize this it'll all be so easy for u both(though its very hard at the start,but have to do it).As one said here give him a look to"www.yourbrainonporn.com"....hope he'll see how addictive this problem is,and when he'll get that its affecting a mass n majority may be then he'll get some idea what hes doing till now.or u can both see a counselor/doctor who can better tell him about all this or so?? hope it'll work for u.

Gud Luck!