HOCD? Seriously, what is happening to me?

I have been with my gf for 5 years and obsessing over what is happening to me for the last two years.
I'd say our relationship is great and I've always thought we will get married some day. I've never had crazy feelings for her, not for anything in my life, really. I'm an introvert and don't have these big ups and downs. I just really like her. I like holding her close to me, spending time with her, I always want her around, I like kissing her, having sex, cuddling, and so on. This is what I call "being in love". I used to be really happy around her.

I've always felt inferior around other guys and like they were better than me. I just stuck to my close friends and gave up socializing with other guys, since I always felt like crap around them. Years went by and I slept with almost 20 women. I would think some guys looked good, but never had an sexual or romantic urges towards them. I have always had low self esteem and been anxious and kind of envious of other guys. Even to this day I've never had any sexual arousal to men and never even seen gay porn.

I remember seeing a guy that I thought was good looking (a tad more than other guys I've seen) and I started obsessing over why I thought so. Every time I saw him I would stare at him and check if I still found him good looking. I was sure this ment I was gay and the checking started: i would star at any guy I saw and check if I found them attractive, avoiding eye contact and so on. This was a weird and depressive time of my life, for a lot of other reasons too.

I met up with girls again and everything was back to normal. Well, almost everything, my feelings around guys was still weird. It was like all my envy and feeling of inferiority made everyone look better than me. This was very objectively (I knew I were ugly) and didn't make me think I was gay. So, everyone was better and better looking than me, but I was OK with that.

Years went by and suddenly it struck me that all these feeling of inferiority and thinking others looked better than me was because I was gay! Over night my view on men changed and I suddenly felt drawn to them in a romantic way. It could be the 100 pound over weight neighbour or a creepy old dude. Everyone I make eye contact with suddenly seem perfect. No matter how ugly he is i get the feeling I really like him. This happens with any guy I see, basically. I get a knot in my stomach and warm feelings from any guy. And if the guy look stereotypically gay it's even worse. Still, I find plenty of girls that are hot, but they don't give me this emotional reaction (more sexual) and about 80% of guys I see makes me feel I get warm feelings for them, without even knowing them.

And it's just their faces. All faces look perfect and like I want to kiss them.

If i was gay all these years why do I only fantazise about being and having sex with girls, both awake and in my sleep? Why am I happy in my relationship (my only problem is that I think it's fucked up that it feels like I desire to be with every guy I see). Why am I only turned on by women (though I havnt watched gay porn, but never been turned on by the guys in the porn I've watched)? Why does ugly men and the losere look as perfect in my mind as the really good looking ones?

 

You are not gay. Dont worry ,and more important dont obsess about it .
Get some serious rebooting and recovery and you will be fine.

I also thought I was insane years ago(I thought I wasnt part of reality anymore), but I'm am perfectly ok ( then too) . Its interesting what obesesing over one thing can do with a man..

 

Thanks for all your replies!
What worries me the most is that everyone says they have no attraction to guys in real life (they just escalated to gay porn) and here I am "falling in love" with every guy I see, and never had a desire to check out porn with guys looking like these. It`s like every thought I have about myself, what I like, my dreams and plans for the future doesn`t match my real life anymore. And, a lot of these guy I find "perfect" now is guys I have known for years without thinking about their looks. Now I can`t even make eye-contact with them.

I never been diagnosticated with OCD. What I know is that I am overthinking everything, thinking a lot worse-case scenarios, and have a "strange" way of organizing and seeing the world. I have to understand the basics in everything I`m interested in and I hate when people say "that`s just the way it is", because I think that everything(!) is logically, as long as your smart enough to understand the mechanisms. In other word; when I sink my teeth into something, I go all-in. This, combined with being extremely objective, gives me a feeling of not having any opinions of my own, because I`m basing everything on facts. In this situation it is hard for me to stay rational and say "I`m straight, of course", because every obsessing day I experience things that doesn`t support this. My personality is also the reasons why every time I write it becomes a wall of text, because I feel the need to explain myself objectively and don`t be misunderstood.

I really think this has a lot to do with my lack of manliness (which I`ve obsessed and are obsessing about). I`m 30+, can`t even grow a decent beard, people still thinks I look like I`m 18 years, I have small hands and feet, I`m short, lack social and practical skills and have this constant feeling of still being a child trapped in a mans (or manchilds, rather) body. I really hate the fact that I can`t grow a beard, especially since this usually "cures" baby-faces. Suddenly every guy with a decent beard looked "perfect". It`s hard to differentiate attraction and admiration when every guy has a lot of traits I`m envious of.
Every flaw I have I start obsessing over and start to analyse everyone else`s situation on this topic; when I started losing my hair I would check every guy I know (and everyone else's) "hair-situation", compare my hands to others, my height, teeth, fat, my appearance, and so on. I would avoid standing next to people taller than me, hate getting my picture taken, etc.

I`ve always compared myself to others and I kind of liked being around effeminate guys and losers earlier, because I felt safe around them because I didn`t find them threatening. Most people who are not threatening for guys like me, who are not used to manly men, are more of the sensitive and effeminate type, which is pretty close to the "stereotypical gay person", when you obsess over it like I do.

Another confusing thing is my view on women through the years; I have never been crazy about girls and I was a "late bloomer". I preferred hanging with my friends over going out meeting girls. I knew girls didn`t like me anyway and I hated and got envious every time my friends hooked up with girls, so I tried to avoid this. The chances of me meeting anyone was 0 anyway. It`s like I avoided this to the extent that I replaced real girls with porn and sexting online. Like I had an online alter-ego, where no-one knew what loser I was in real life. I knew I was charming and could get girls to like me if they didn`t see me (I just showed them pictures where I looked decent). So, I was chasing girls, but not IRL. Once a romantic guy who only wanted to find a girls to marry and have kids with, became this creepy guy who's only goal was to sleep with women. Once I slept with them I had gotten everything I wanted from them. If they met guys before I slept with them I would be envious, but after I slept with them I didn't care at all, because having sex was the biggest compliment they could give me. Like relationships and feelings didn`t matter.
I became more and more picky to girls' looks, to the point where I didn`t notice them unless they were extremely good looking (I didn`t notice guys either). I think this is because I was "satisfied" by PMO all the time and they didn`t like me, so why bother? I notice how much more attracted I am to real girls on NoFap. But, IF a girl liked me, I suddenly found her good looking and got interested in her. It`s like I shielded myself against girls and their "charm" until I knew they liked me, so I wouldn`t embarrass myself.

My experience with women before I met my GF is basically; my family (which frustrated me and taught me nothing about becoming a man), girls who avoided me, made fun of me and thought I was gay, girls online who were willing to sleep with me without really knowing me and care about me, and girls in porn. My current GF who is nothing like these other girls/women. Sadly it`s now I notice how scarred I am by what has happen to me, even though I should feel great and blessed by my current relationship.

I am sorry this became such a long post, I just needed to vent.