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Denial or just desensitized?

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by johndoe77, Feb 23, 2019.

  1. Feb 23, 2019 #1
    johndoe77

    johndoe77 Fapstronaut

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    Hello all-

    Just wanted to put a question out there. I have struggled with porn and masturbation since I was a young man like most here. I was one of the lucky one in the days before internet in my early teens. Back in the day all I had was a JC Penny catalog. Obviously as time went on things got worse because internet changed everything.

    Sometime in my twenties my porn tastes went from vanilla to something a bit darker. More of the domination stuff/etc... I don't need to go in to specifics here. Just giving a little background.

    I have been pursuing recovery for quite some time- Even have an accountability partner that I met here. But truth be told, I am still struggling with porn. I seem to go about two weeks to three at most, then relapse- Over and over and over. The guilt is crushing.

    My question is this- I actually don't even feel that attracted to porn any more. Like when I do look at it, most of the time I find it pretty repulsive. But yet it is like I'm watching a car crash. Something about it keeps me transfixed. Actually it seems I am more (trigger warning) turned on by hypnosis or audio files than the visual stuff at this rate. But even that I listen to with this awful feeling in my gut like why am I doing this?!!! I know the awful guilt I will feel and how it will cause anxiety or make me feel like a worthless person ... But the audio files feel more intimate like some kind of real love is being shared. I think I crave the intimacy as much as the sexual release.

    So if I am feeling sickened by seeing porn and yet keep looking at it- Am i just in denial? Am I desensitized to it?

    Most of the time I just wish I didn't have sexual feelings any more. I don't want to feel the feeling of sexual arousal any more. At 41 I am worried this is never going to end. I have stopped as long as 3 months - One year it was like almost a full year.

    But it always pulls me back no matter how repulsed I feel by it. Losing hope that I'll always be too weak to win this fight. Don't want to die and meet my maker with this grotesque garbage on my conscience. I wish I could wash out my eyes and make it so I never saw the things I've looked at. It isn't natural. It is out of balance with what life is supposed to be about.

    Thanks for listening.
     
    johndoe77, Feb 23, 2019
    johndoe77, Feb 23, 2019
    #1
  2. Feb 23, 2019 #2
    OddTheOodle

    OddTheOodle Fapstronaut

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    First, you are not alone. A lot of us have or have had the same or similar issues. So, you're in the right place.

    Second, I had the same revulsion and urges regarding porn when I first started trying to quit (before chancing upon NoFap). So, while I'm not sure if it's denial or desensitization, it is (at least in my experience) normal.

    Third, I want to talk about the despair and feelings that it will never get better. I can say, honestly, that if you do the things you need to (for you), it will get better. I can't say you will ever get to a point where it isn't a struggle (if I ever get there, I'll be sure to let you know), but it does get less desperate-feeling.

    Good luck on your journey and may you find the answers you need.
     
    OddTheOodle, Feb 23, 2019
    OddTheOodle, Feb 23, 2019
    #2
  3. Feb 27, 2019 #3
    Futurebillionaire88

    Futurebillionaire88 Fapstronaut

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    You are most definitely in denial. All across the board. You still have to seek it out to look at it and still get off to it. You’re just addicted and you’re 41 you gotta snap out of it.
    You don’t even want your sexual urge anymore because you it always leads to porn... but you’re repulsed by it
    No way no how
    That being said I was there and these are things I had to realize myself
    Be real with yourself and get back on track this is your life bro you can’t keep living like this
    God bless
    Get back on course
     
    Futurebillionaire88, Feb 27, 2019
    Futurebillionaire88, Feb 27, 2019
    #3
  4. Mar 1, 2019 #4
    Ezpz

    Ezpz Fapstronaut

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    My Journal
    Hey brother, i know how frustrating it can be to feel like you will never get out of the relapse cycle. Just remember 1-4 weeks in are the hardest parts by far, withdrawal kicks in hard and cravings are non stop!

    The thing to remember is after you get past the 1 month mark you generally start to feel a little better, so if you can manage to push through then things will get easier, and after 2 months even easier.

    You can do it! Just keep learning from you relapses and keep moving forward and in no time you will be well on your way.

    I wish you good luck friend! :)
     
    Ezpz, Mar 1, 2019
    Ezpz, Mar 1, 2019
    #4

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