Let's start

Hi everyone,
I am a forty year old male living in Austria. It is this small country in europe within the alps WITHOUT kangaroos, and also we are not jodeling all the time and we are NOT germans.

As long as is can remember, i was confronted with pornography. When i was six year old i searched the hidden stashes of porn magazine of my father, later i was watching his VHS tapes and when we got the first modem to connect to the net, i fastly discovered all the "nice" pages there.
All this time it was something "forbidden", not because my parents where overly religious, but for some reasons, sexuality was no topic during my early youth, so it left the feeling of doing something bad or forbidden and left a bad taste and shame in my mind.

During my teenage times, when we got the first modems, it was easier to access pornography and i did it reguarly. It was getting more and more during the lonely times between relationships, as i was not into the one night stands and i just had a couple of these now called "tinder-dates".

Just two years ago after bracking up my third long time relationship, alll of them between five and eight years, and beeing heavily depressed, so i started therapy. I could not bear it losing, my loved ones and wonderful people, to let them go, wven hurting them due to my incapacity of loving them back.
This was not (alone) the fault of pornography as it has more to do with my values, my upbringing and selflove and i never learned to deal with my emotions; To deal with all of them, the good Ones, the bad Ones , the ugly and the shiny Ones. These feelings which will hurt you and these feelings which keep you going forward.

Porongraphy and masturbation was the easy way out, to numb myself and having "good" feelings. It took me two years speaking of my feeling, my thoughts and professional advise to recognize and feel it.

Now i do not want to numb myself.
I want my feelings back, my ability to laugh, to cry, to scream to sing and to dance.

I will take command of my way and i will do it without pornography!

This monday i started my first reboot of 90 days.
Let's go

 

Thank you for your heartly welcome here in this community.

I was reading through your journal and felt your struggle, but also your strength and your committment to take your life back into your own hands. It is motivating to read about thoughts and your emptions and how you deal with them, staying on your way.
Thank you for sharing your journey.