Trying to gain back my SOs trust

Day 339.

Today I listened to a podcast about therapy. Thus far we have decided not to go down the route of therapy, but it's good to get information none the less.

It was comparing specialised and general therapists, and how their approaches may be different, and that it's really important to find someone who you have a connection with, and who will be honest (brutally if necessary). Experience with sexual addiction is also important, as it allows you to feel safe discussing the addiction as they have heard it all before.

Today is going pretty good, I'm busy, but it's going quickly so won't feel too long before I get to go home!

 

Day 340.

Just listened to a podcast about the ups and downs through recovery, whether just after dday or months to years down the line. That one minute, your betrayed partner may feel hate and pain because of the betrayal, and the next feel love and happiness because of a craving for connection.

I know that there is stuff here that has a lot deeper psychological explanations, but I don't think I'm really qualified to explore it without further research, but there are some good ways to navigate these feelings to make her feel validated and to own your role in the emotional rollercoaster.

I love these podcasts, they are full of great insights, explanations and tips that give hope for the future, and inspire my recovery.

 

I listen to The betrayed, the addicted and the expert, along with some other motivational podcasts, but most of the stuff I've been writing about is from that. It does mention about finding a CSAT but It's difficult to find anyone nearby where we live in the UK. It would be something we would have to discuss together and agree on though.




This weekend has been rather eventful after Tan ended up in hospital with suspected appendicitis. It turned out not to be but she still had keyhole surgery to identify what was wrong. It was a little stressful, but we end up having more time together over the next couple of weeks

 

Day 346.

No problem @1dayattatime, I found some pretty good stuff there.


Today is going good, and the weather is awesome, really uplifting and making me feel happy!

I listened to another podcast which discussed check-ins with an SO and sponsor which gave advice on what kind of things are good to talk about.

One I listened to yesterday was about isolation in addiction/ betrayal, and talked about how it is helpful to disclose with someone safe, close and non judgmental about the addiction/ betrayal, and how it can help work through some issues.

I've still got a load of stuff to get through today, but this weather has made me feel pretty good about it, so I feel like I'll be driving home in no time!

 

Day 347.

Today is going okay, busy as hell, but okay. I have listened to a podcast about "victim mode", where you blame every thing else for things that you have done to avoid taking blame yourself, and remove responsibility for your actions. I know I have ended up in this place in arguments in the past but I try to take more responsibility for my actions now.

It isn't just related to the PA but the SO too, and staying in "victim mode" can stop us from being able to move forward in recovery of PA and betrayal trauma.

An effective way to move forward is to become mindful of how we feel about things in the moment, and to understand more our feelings.

 

Day 348.

Listening to a podcast today, which is about Ashlynn and Coby's story (the betrayed and the addicted) and it's interesting to see so many similarities between our stories. The shame, why he lied, how they tried to get through it.

Today is going okay, tonight I'm going for food with a load of people from work, and Tan is going to have to handle the kids herself and get them to bed. I hope she copes okay, but I'm gonna try and get away at a good time, seeing as she is still recovering from her laparoscopy.

Last night my dad was round for food, and we had a stir fry which was great. We decided that this weekend we will head down to visit some family, and book a flat to stay in, which is something to look forward to.

 

Day 348.

Tan and I had an argument last night and into today about my progress in recovery, and she can't see much change in me since 6 months ago. We keep having cycles of good and bad, where I will coast along for a while, Tan will get triggered by my effort, we'll have an argument, I'll commit to doing better, and I'll start coasting again for a while and Tan is getting sick of it.

Sobriety is not enough, I need to start putting the consistent effort in, and it's all well and good talking about it on here, but actions speak louder than words, and so far my actions don't do much talking.

I've decided that I think we need to start talking more often about how each day has gone, from a recovery point of view, and maybe do some discussion of a podcast I've listened to (or something along them lines). I hope Tan likes the idea, but I think it will improve things, and hopefully keep me accountable for my efforts.

I listened to a podcast today about vulnerability, and that's what I need to start being with Tan; more vulnerable.

 

@Jon82, @1dayattatime thanks guys, I plan on talking to @Tan3110 about how to best do this tonight

We have had a super busy weekend. We travelled down the country to visit some family and friends with the kids, as well as my dad and brother, and stayed in an airbnb together. It was great, a long drive for the kids, and stressful at times, but we had a good time, and it was good to see people we don't get to see too often.

I had hoped to talk to Tan last night and listen to and discuss one of the podcasts I've listened to, but we got back late, and we were too tired to do any of it justice. I do hope to do it tonight though.

FANOS does sound like a cool idea though, and I'll be sure to do a little more research into it, and maybe we will try it out!

 

Day 356.

Well, this week has been a bit of a mess. On Tuesday I tripped on the stairs at work (my fault, I was rushing back to work...) and I ended up needing an x-ray and a couple of days off. I have endured some amount of sarcasm and name calling but I think I can take it for falling down the stairs...

Hopefully my foot can take it, as we are planning on doing a load of house work this weekend involving lots of heavy lifting and power tools. Fortunately we've got help, but I do like to get stuck into this kind of thing.

I hope to practice FANOS with Tan tonight, and hopefully we'll find it a good positive experience, I think it will go well though.

 

Day 359.

This weekend has been good, and we got a load of work done on the house. Still loads to do, but we have made progress which is great. My foot didn't hinder us either which is good.

Today I listened to a podcast about labels, and how they can make us live up to them.

Simply saying I have an addiction, compared to saying I am an addict affects how you see yourself. I may have an addiction, but I am much more than that, and the addiction is only a small part of me. We are who we believe we are, and I am a good dad, a good friend, a good son, a good brother, a good colleague and I am working on becoming a better husband in all aspects. I am not an addict, but I have an addiction.

Viewing it in this way is not denial, but allows you to express the best of you, instead of the worst.

 

Day 361.

I listened to a podcast today talking about separation in marriage. It was discussing in house separation, and said that it can be good, but could also damage the relationship if done badly.

I don't think Tan and I are in a place where we want to do this but I know there are a few people on here who are considering it or are currently going through a separation (no a divorce, or break up of the relationship).

Separating is giving each person the opportunity to work on themselves, while giving the SO some safety where they can recoup.

It also gives the PA an opportunity to show that they are actually serious about recovery, regardless of the SO being involved.

Steak and scallops for tea tonight. Pretty exciting! My dad is coming g round for the weekly meal which should be good.

 

Day 362.

Today's going pretty good so far, work is busy, but we're on top of it and I'm feeling positive about the rest of the day.

I just listened to a podcast about practicing self care, and called it one of the most important things in recovery.

The idea is that addiction is an escape to your life, but practicing self care works towards "creating a life where addiction isnt needed" where you dont need an escape from.

It has to be said that you shouldn't use it as an excuse to be entirely selfish, but doing things for yourself isn't necessarily selfish.

Basically, we should enjoy life and take care of ourselves.

Self care is important for everyone, not just the PA. It is equally as important for SOs.

 

Day 365.

Today marks a year since Tan discovered me for the last time, and it's been a year of ups and downs, and has got better, but there is still a lot more progress to be made, but I'm confident it will be made.

I know it's not much of a day to be celebrated, but I guess it's an anniversary of positive change, whether that's how it was seen at the time or not, I feel positive now, and I think that's how we should keep viewing it going forward!

I listened to a podcast the other day on a pretty big subject; real honesty.

It discussed that real honesty is more than just answering questions, but about who you are on a fundamental level. Having the guts to say what you feel, no matter what the perceived reaction.

That is not to say you have to be horrible about it, as truths can be said in a sympathetic/respectful way, but they should still be said.

They gave an example of if Tan made a meal that took a lot of effort and asked if I liked it, but I didn't, how would I respond? Real honesty would be to tell her that I didn't really like it, despite the fact that it upset her, but to phrase it in a way that let her know I appreciated the effort she put in. Easily talked about, but in the moment, more difficult.

 

Day 366.

Me and Tan had a bit of an argument last night, but we stayed up and talked about it, and I think that things are a bit better for it.

I have been listening to a podcast today about gaslighting. Before NoFap, I didn't know what it was, but now, I know that it was one of my favourite weapons in my arsenal.

I used it to try and twist things around and turn the blame onto Tan, and make her feel crazy, and really, all it's done is make things worse and worse for us. I consciously don't do it any more, but it has really damaged our relationship and will be hard to recover from.

 

Day 367.

Today is going okay so far, busy and a bit frustrating at work, but generally okay, and we've just got a new vacuum cleaner so that's exciting!

I listened a to some more podcasts today. A carry on from the gaslighting episode is the flipside to gaslighting, and that essentially the opposite of gaslighting is simple. That, even if you don't agree with what your SO is saying, acknowledging what they are saying and empowering them to say it is better than gaslighting. There must be a reason why they are saying things, so you need to acknowledge that, and empower them to talk about it again, not just tell them that they are crazy for thinking that.

The next was about talking to family about the addiction, and how it can be a good part of recovery to disclose to family, but you must be prepared for a bad reaction, as sometimes it can be destructive, and unsupportive. I'll finish off that podcast tomorrow, and talk about it a little more.

 

Day 368.

Today is busier than yesterday, but I think it's actually going better which makes me feel quite accomplished today.

Tan has had a couple of annoying arguments the past couple of days with her parents regarding how we are parenting our own children, and essentially saying we should be doing different things for potty training and stuff, leaving us irritated somewhat.

That brings me nicely onto the discussion of family disclosure. This can actually be really healthy and good for recovery, but you should be ready for it, and have good "shame resilience" as otherwise it can be painful and difficult. Shame resilience will allow you to disclose without worrying too much about the reactions.

The podcast explained that judgmental reactions, like parents aggressively defending their loved ones (SO or PA) could be beaded on incomplete disclosures (Not enough information, or biased disclosure) meaning they essentially take sides based on poorly informed opinions.

It is also important to create boundaries around family, so that bad or "toxic" situations can be avoided.

My dad is heading round tonight for grub which should be good, I don't think we are in a place where we intend disclosing to family yet, but if we did, I imagine my dad would be a good place to start.