The all to real consequences of bringing porn into real relationships

Hello my fellow fapstronauts. Let me take you back in time, to the start of my sophomore year of high school. Before this throughout middle school and freshman year I was a loner who had no friends at all and was afraid of people. But this was when I had hit rock bottom, and when for the first time I broke free from pornography's hold on me. The day before school started I didn't even have the will to stand on my feet I felt so hopeless. On that day I resolved to find happiness. And for a brief time, I did. I had been completely off of porn and the internet mostly for about two months.
And those were honestly the best two months of my life since I was an innocent little kid, before I got into this mess. I was being confident, I was exercising, I was improving, meeting new people, I had good grades, my parents had told me they were proud of me for the first time in my life! It was amazing and I was caught up in the dream of it all.


Then I started gaming again, which was the beginnings of my downward spiral. Next, I asked out a girl that I thought I liked (and maybe did at the time but you see our first interaction was with me lying to her because I was cowardly and it was scummy I know it happened before Nofap and I take full responsibility for the hell it caused me) which was the second part of the nail in the coffin. On day 81, I was on a family vacation, and I decided that I was going to leave my laptop home, which was generally how the girl and I communicated (though we did have each other's number). Now this girl had depression, real depression, and I was a sheltered 15 year old kid, so I believed that I had the power to "fix her." Everything I did generally had good intentions, but I was stupid and probably only made things worse. At this time I didn't exactly understand depression, and I'm not even sure that I thought it was a real thing. But anyways, I went on this trip, and left my laptop at home though I brought my phone. I had no intention of talking to her or anyone else online while I was away, I just wanted to spend time with my family.

Now I need to explain before this next part that confrontation and adversity have never been my strong suits, and that is why when I received a message from her stating that she hated me and never wanted to talk to me again, it broke my spirit in some ways.

I felt totally demotivated. And needy. So I turned to like this weird online dating for teens app (horrible idea) and ended up on porn. And I have to say, that feeling after relapsing, was the thing that broke my spirit. I didn't know I could feel that much pain. For a while I panicked, trying to get back my mojo, but everything kept going wrong, I was awkward, my grades tanked, and my looks and confidence were nonexistent. Eventually things went back to how it was before I was on Nofap, but this time I wasn't having an existential crisis every time I masturbated. I had reset my brain, but now I just reset it to a fresh porn user. That isn't the end either.

In may of last year, I felt bad so I contacted that girl again to apologize for my attempt to "Fix" her and then tell the truth about my lie when we met, which was a really serious lie that I had attempted to kill myself and had abusive parents when in reality I hadn't and had really caring if annoying parents. These had always and still do bring me guilt, although I did tell her the truth and managed to apologize for everything. I had intended to say goodbye forever to her the next day and move on with my life. But then something threw a wrench in the works. She asked me to date. Officially. Before when I said asked her out it was like as friends, but this was a romantic thing. And me, being on porn at that time (which is no excuse) and super desperate (still not an excuse) said yes and that I loved her back, when it was probably just physical attraction on my end talking. Then I got cold feet and didn't talk to her for a month or so. After talking to a friend of mine who after hearing my feelings at the time was against the idea of me and her continuing the relationship, for both her and I's sake, I completely disregarded his advice like an asshole (which is a common trend here) and continued the relationship, going all in. Now my only experience with relationships was two before puberty which were just normal friendships but with labels, movies of adults, and porn. So you can imagine what happened, we went on many dates, and although we never did the deed itself, we got pretty close, and those images haunt my brain to this day. In hindsight, I think that subconsciously I was using this really kind girl who honestly cared about me as a human being, as a substitute for porn. That is my greatest shame, and will haunt me for the rest of my life. Eventually I couldn't lie to myself that what I was doing was wrong anymore, and I ended things, rather abruptly. After that I had two encounters with her over a discord call. The first time I contacted her to ask for forgiveness (not even because I felt I did something wrong but because I didn't want her to pursue any sort of legal action on me because I didn't trust her and it was her word against mine - how sick is that?) and to end contact entirely, which she didn't want because she honestly loved and cared about me that she wanted to hold on to me, but I was too selfish at that time.

Then the most recent time in either November or December, about a year since my 83 day streak ended and everything went wrong, I called her one last time, to take her up on the offer of being friends, but my libido got the best of me and I got her hopes up of getting in a relationship, however I was struggling to decide if that was what I really wanted after all this. I asked her to describe how she felt about me, and she told me about how she want to care and protect me, and how she felt so free around me, and all these wonderful things. But the more she said the more I felt so much heaviness and dread. Absolute dread and guilt and remorse and pain too. Because then I could see exactly what I had done. And I knew for the first time what I needed to do. I needed to do what I should have done back in May, and I told her that I'm sorry, but I don't feel that way. I thought I did, but hearing how you feel made me see the truth. I am so sorry.

Then I attempted to cheer her up, but she said she wanted space, so she ended the call. Then a little while later, she texted me and said she was going to kill herself. She had attempted to once before we had met, so I believed her completely. I tried to keep her talking, so I told her another lie, which I know can get me in legal trouble, and I do regret but it was a heat of the moment reaction. Since nothing was getting through to her, I told her that if she killed herself I would too. That was a completely false statement at the time I was vehemently against the idea of killing yourself and I thought it was cowardly even. I would never do that in a million years. But this seemed to calm her down. I let my mom know the situation (somewhat altered because I'm a coward where I left out the part that it was my fault) and told the girl that we were calling the police, which we didn't end up doing because she got her therapist there. She wanted me to not talk to her anymore because she cared too much, and that was the last I had heard of her. I don't know where she is now, or what happened after that.

I haven't told anyone the full truth, and it is tearing me apart inside. I didn't even realize I had this much built up inside me until I started typing. I never meant for all this to happen! I was just a stupid kid. Am I a horrible person? What should I do? How can I find redemption in my life and move foreward?

 

Thank you, it means a lot.