Back again...

Hi all,

This is my story. I am a 24 year old man, who is currently working as an engineer. I have been 'suffering' from mild social anxiety, loneliness and lack of variety in my life, as far as I can remember. I have a nice family, stable finances and health. But it always seems like something is lacking from my life, coming from the spiritual or psychological standpoint.

Ever since I started masturbating at the age of 16, I think that became a huge turning point for me. I started the use of pornography to stimulate myself, but not to the extent where I spent hours watching and masturbating to it. Typically, I get it done within 15-30 minutes. But it seems like it has been getting worse recently because of work-related stress and loneliness. I ended up watching more clips throughout the day. Fortunately, twice a day is my limit. But I always end up feeling drained and tired.

Whenever I'm free, I will spend time by myself to watch Youtube videos. This happens during the weekends, which I did before I decided to sign up again on NoFap. When I was in college (year 2), the longest streak I had was 67 days before I relapsed and left this forum. Years later, I realized that maybe I could use this platform again to get back on track. Maybe this time, I will try to hit that 90 days, that feels elusive at this juncture.

I think the beauty of high-speed internet is a 'double-edged sword'. It can bring you many benefits like access to information, learning new things or watching that nice movie that you just don't want to pay for in cinemas. But it can also harm you in many ways, just like pornography or watching Youtube videos for the entire day. Not that I feel there is anything wrong with it. Everyone has their own lives to lead.

Whenever I feel like it, I always write a journal entry every 2 to 3 days. Looking through some of the pages, it just seems so demoralizing. There are not much entries with positive or happy comments. Probably because my life always revolve around the same few things and activities. Going to study/work, going to the gym, groceries store, coming back home. I think I should start using this forum to type in some entries or comment on how I feel. Authentic entries that I can share with everyone here. Even though we are all strangers to one another.

I was always taught by my mother that no matter how bad I feel on the inside, I had to show a smile on my face; especially at work. Until now, I don't truly understand what she meant by that. In front of my colleagues or friends, no matter how anxious or down I feel, I try to keep my head up. But I realized that I was actually just numbing myself from my emotions. For real.

Recently, I watched a clip of Demar Derozan sharing his thoughts about being traded from the Toronto Raptors to the San Antonio Spurs. For those basketball fans, you will understand what I am talking about. Depression is something that is underestimated. "Nah, it's only because the person is weak" or "It's nothing, time will pass and you will feel better". These are some of the comments that I have heard from my family and friends for the longest time. I think it was commendable and brave for Demar to come out and share about his suffering. I think for regular folks who are not public figures or don't have a large social circle, nobody will truly care about them. This is alarming for me. I understand because I am a victim of it as well.

I don't know if it's possible to quit pornography but I have identified it to be a negative influence in my life, especially preventing me from having a clear state of mind and sometimes thinking about it throughout the day. Between ages 16 and 22, I used to watch porn and masturbate once a day every single day. From age 22 onwards, I decided to do it only during the weekends to release sexual tension. Afterall, everyone will feel horny at some point, depending on their libido. I was actually amazed that I managed to cut down watching porn and masturbation during weekdays. But I think there is still a lot more work to be done before I can eliminate it from my life and not relapse again. Reaching where I am today took me 2 years. For those people who are interested. It is amazing what a shift in mindset can do for you. And I mean for yourself, not others. Do it for yourself, if you truly want to lead a better life.

It is still a long journey for me ahead, be it life or the road to recovery. I am still unsure of whether I can do it. But I am going to start again. To be clear, I am not against masturbation. I think it is healthy to do it once a week to keep your reproductive system healthy. But pornography on the other hand is bad for you, no matter what your mind tells you.

I am sure there are many people out there who are experiencing the same thing as me. Being addicted to pornography. Even though I watch it at most 2 to 3 times a week, it still feels like an addiction to me. Which I am trying to get rid of completely. To end off, there are probably more entries to come and I am thankful that I can use this platform to share my thoughts as an anonymous person. If you have read up closely till here, I just want to tell you that you are great and you will achieve things in life, no matter where you are or where you come from. After all, happiness can also come from people believing in you. And most importantly, you believing in yourself.

"Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. That is why it is called the present"...

 

Thanks for sharing your thoughts and feelings @CollectedBro. I agree with you when you say that journals like that are closer to reality, and show us as humans.

Since you were already a member, you know you are very welcome here to share your thoughts and feelings; no needing to show you are always well, like sometimes we have to do in our daily routine at work or events (I think your mother has some reason in her words). Naturally, however, we cannot be a rock all the time, and sharing your feelings and thoughts with others, specially in supportive environments, like this platform intends to be, can help to deal with them.

Part of me want to agree with you on the fact that masturbating is healthy. However, in my case, it seems masturbating (even without porn) brings me back to cravings for porn. That's what happened to me recently, by the way. So, right now, I'm careful about this thought. Right now, for me, I'm trying to stay away even from masturbating, although I face strong erections and cravings (which are natural, I agree with you).

Life can be monotonous sometimes, but I think that trying a big routine changing, like stopping PM or PMOing, can add a huge change, as long as, naturally or as a strategy, you start to look for new things to do and new changes in life, like eating healthy, working out, studying different things, reading more, etc. That's a good and positive chance to change perspective on our daily living.

Wish you the best! I'll come back to read more!
Cheers.

 

Thanks! To a bright future ahead by believing in ourselves.

 

Appreciate it @MindfullGandalf. I do think that the lust and thoughts are going to be lingering around all the time and be a constant parameter in the equation. So I agree with you that I have to abstain from pornography and masturbation for a while (90 days, trying again this time). My initial strategy is to masturbate once a week without watching pornography, back in 2017. However, I wasn't able to sustain it. On the bright side, I reduced pornography consumption and masturbation to once or twice a week, instead of every single day. Being doing that for the past 2 years, it has worked for me. But I am trying to cut it out completely, which is a big challenge. Hopefully I can reach there someday in the future, no matter how long it takes. In addition, I think being single makes it even harder. So I am relying solely on my own willpower back then and till today. Perhaps I need to join more activities during the weekends, instead of staying at home. If anyone has any comments or suggestions, do feel free to share! Thanks again.

 

Appreciate the comments @bigboibez! While I agree with what you said that pornography is bad for our well-being. I'll like to explain on the initial restriction of pornography usage, which was my strategy then. At the start, it was difficult to stop watching it on weekdays as it is like brushing your teeth every single day. You have a habit that you can't immediately eliminate it without feeling you left something out. That was what I felt at the time. After 2 years of adopting this strategy, I managed to get 'better' to using it on the weekends. I view it as gradual progression and improvement. I don't feel 'restricted' or the 'urge' to do it on weekdays anymore. But I still felt the need to do it once or twice in the week, which I did on the weekends. Since I am busy with school/work on the weekdays. The constant parameter is still the need for pornography consumption, which is negative in my opinion. I have not managed to get this out of the equation.

I get the feeling that you don't agree with the mindset or approach I have, which is completely fine by me. Because everyone is different and should go by their own pace. Some part of me enjoys porn once every now and then because it relieves stress and fulfills those sexual fantasies that I had (which are excuses for relieving sexual tension). I am sure that everyone who consumed or are still consuming porn at some point in their lives have felt this way in some way or another. But yes it has to stop, you are right. My strategy is to get to 90 days first (which I didn't manage to the last time I tried) and do a personal review once I get to that point. To further explain, I wasn't always very involved in social activities back in college or high school. But I am slowly participating in more activities during the weekends e.g. discussion meetings and community center nature walks. Just spending time with friends and family. Everyone's healing speed, progression and approach is different, so hopefully you can understand where I am coming from. Ultimately, we are accountable to ourselves, and not others. Thanks for the feedback. Peace brother.