How am I supposed to do the impossible? Bollocks to it

Ah I'm fucking not in a good way mates


Pussy galore for UKGeezer if he wants it. But that's not a loving relationship. The stuff I miss about the one time I was in a relationship: stuff like this: I remember one night having horrible nightmares to do with stuff from when I was a kid and that. And I woke up feeling like shit and I called my girlfriend and she said come over and I fucking didn't even take anything with me I fucking ran across town and I fucking collapsed in her arms and I felt so good. So she wasn't abusive all the time, it was complicated (often is I imagine). Maybe if she wasn't abusive I'd have healed in the time with her and wouldn't be so needy now.

Then with this other woman who, first time truly emotionally connecting in the amazingly pure way we did. Who now doesn't want a relationship, but I think I still want to be friends with her but I don't know, but that's another issue. Well the first night we got together physically, we didn't even have sex until the morning. All evening she was stroking my head and it felt so good, made me feel CARED FOR for fucking once. And then we were making out for hours and then we slept in eachothers arms, and it was amazing.

Now I got none of that. And it ain't just about some romantic type thing. I remember feeling so down and lonely and I wanted to call my parents, but that shit ain't available to me neither yeah, so I just fucking cried innit. I wept actually.

So it's like, a rock and a hard place. Cos I have a deep NEED for something like that. But you can't just go out and get it. I mean for two things, a. being in that place is not very attractive as an initial thing for a partner, so I dress it up by pretending to be someone I'm not, which is exhausting, and b. it's not really something it's fair to ask of someone from the beginning. But, without being able to get it pronto, I'm cut off at the knees, finding it so hard to function.

I can talk to a couple friends, but even with them its starting to look like things aren't cracked up to be what I thought they were. I can talk to you lot on here. I can talk to some counsellor. But none of that shit is ever gonna be a substitute for the shit I'm describing. I'm fucking dying here ok.

I can see it now, a familiar desparation, an awareness of complete hopelessness which has dogged me my whole life. My situation ain't looking good.

Ah fuck, it hurts really bad like. What the fuck am I gonna do?

 

Think I might be done guys I gotta be honest.

 

Done with what?

 

Done with life innit.

 

You don't have to dress it up to something you're not. Obviously you cannot just meet someone and dump your luggage on them in the first date but you don't have to pretend that there's no loggage what so ever.

I get the needs you have, alot of us have them. It's a common need that everyone has to some degree.

Maybe the time isn't good for a relationship given you're in recovery. In fact I'd highly suggest that you get yourself right before looking for someone else. You can of course connect to people without it being in a relationship but like everything else it takes work.

 

Nah, I don't think you are. It might feel like it but there's too much to live for.

 

Well there's the fucking problem- I'm running on fucking empty. It's a Catch 22. How do I get myself right on my own in this situation?

It doesn't matter what good things are in life, I can't stand this long enough to get to them. All the time just desparately hungry for someone to care for me, to feel cared for, in the way I described.

 

I get it. The way you think you want / need to be cared for isn't gonna happen right now. Focus on the fact that people do care for you to begin with, you're not totally alone. I appreciate you on this forum as does many others. You're not un-cared for here and in other parts of your life.

What you want life to be isn't what life is at the moment and thats ok. Step outside your thoughts and see that feeling & lack as a thing that is in you but not you, its just some beliefs, ideas and thoughts that have a feeling associated with them that feels like crap. Accept that and understand, this is where you are at, you won't be here forever, yeah it feels like an island you're stuck on but you're not there forever.

If you can separate you from your feelings, you can then begin to work on getting to a place where you can accept this and work on making things better.

 

im going to bed, hopefully you'll be here tomorrow to brighten my day with your witty personality.

 

Dude thats rough. Despair. Darkness. You have a family here. It's not the same but it's something. Stick around. It might not feel better for a long while but if you had it once there's no reason it wont happen again. Love you man. Sincerely, wish you peace.

 

Thanks guys.

 

Oh cool man, you didnt die!!! Awesome!!

 

Couldn't let you fuckheads down now could I.

 

Yeah man I've enjoyed your contributions to this site

 

Alcohol has been a factor in my last couple relapses, so it's gotta go.