Husband Accountability

Oh man I empathise with you totally.

Question 1 : that’s a toughy as I tried everything to try and motivate my man and still do now, but ultimately they need to motivate themselves. My guy works away up to 28 days at a time....still have that to face since learning about this, but we are trying to think of coping strategies until then. My guy moved in 6 months ago and it wasn’t long before I realised his addiction. We had started planning financials,cars, kitchens etc and after so much effort on my side and lots of failure on his, I decided i cannot really motivate him, but perhaps motivate myself. So I started to work on my health by going to the gym, as if I was gonna be single again I needed to get in better shape plus it gave me feel good factors. the other motivator was telling him our relationship is “on hold “ in terms of future big commitments and plans until he gets a grip! That’s all I can really control out of all this. My future and my happiness.

Question 2 : we’ve set boundaries and revised them a couple of times depending on how I felt about enforcing them etc. But I think we are settled on them.the consequences started off really harsh but I’ve reduced for now until he has a good start (which he has now at 35 days in) I am happy to share them with you. The strict consequences were like sleeping in spare room etc but now I make him try new foods as he is fussy or give me a massage but I am happy to say haven’t had to do at the past 35!!!

• NO P of any type ever (including P-Subs), avoid all nude/scenes on TV & movies and triggers where possible.
• NO M (whilst in recovery & subject to review)
• Any SLIPS– must be logged on Victory & reported within 24 hours, preferably less.
• NO lying
• Open up & talk DAILY about feelings, struggles, positives.
• NO technology in any closed rooms or bedrooms
• NO use of unauthorised/unfiltered technology, unapproved apps & incognito browsing.
• Inappropriate repetitive emails deleted straight away and unsubscribed and blocked asap supervised
•Update online journal daily

CONSEQUENCES:
• Swimming session
• 30 minutes massage
• Develop taste palate by trying new foods at next meal (e.g. Mushroom, Sushi, Fish, Eggs or Avocado)
• Write or discuss your thoughts on subject which can help your recovery
• Join me for a long walk

I will copy the ‘good healthy habits’ we have adopted so far too once I finish this note.

Good luck xx

 

Low hanging fruit/Good Habits We've Currently Introduced:

• All technology monitored by CE Screen capturing.
• PIN codes on all communal smart tvs (not on kids tvs)
• Apps locked on Andriod phone for browsing.
• iPad apps locked and CE browser app open
• Facebook login from main laptop
• Instagram a/c closed
• All tech to be charged and maintained downstairs in communal area
• SO to keep a daily journal
• SO seeing counsellor weekly

So these are a few things weve introduced....as well as research, self help books etc.

 

Question, have you asked him this question: "Do you want this marriage?" or "If you want this marriage, how much do you really want this?" because if he wants the marriage, he will do what is necessary to win you back and to fight for you.

Addicts freshly into recovery do throw their temper tantrums and can act childish and angry that you're "taking their toys away" (PMO). But once the fog lifts usually they can see more clearly and are like... "WTF have I done!"

If you are setting a deadline, be sure you're ready to execute the consequence. Take it from me who has set at least 3 deadlines and then didn't follow through. Currently my husband is not in this house because I kicked him out because he hasn't done what he is supposed to. My husband now is very upset that he never listened and took me seriously about how I would not tolerate his behavior forever.

Figure out the boundaries and consequences. What do you need to feel safe in the relationship? If those are not respected, what is the consequence for him breaking that safety?

Also I am sorry for your experience with the therapist... so many therapists are clueless about this these days and traumatize the SO's further and feed the addicts delusions and rationalizations.

 

Wish my mom would help my dad like you are. You’re a hero wife.

 

@Lostneverland,

Q1) In your case, boundaries may be the only way to motivate him, and the ones you've given him are awesome! They should motivate a guy who doesn't have true narcissism.

Q2) That one is tough. If my husband were in your husband's situation, (and if he were using devices issued to him by his workplace) I would ask him to ask his boss to have filters put on his work computers 'because I have a tendency to get distracted easily.' The boss will probably know what he means.

Q3) Yes! It can be healed. It takes time and motivation and hard work on his part, but he can get free. My husband tells guys this: "Recovery is learning to live life without any of your painkillers." But be aware, life could get kind of rough between you two for a bit, because he will be facing the toughness of life without those painkillers. And be aware it's one thing for a man to get free of porn; healing the relationship... that's where things can get REALLY rough. That's what I've seen anyway.

All the best to you during this time.