This Time I Really Fucked Up (And I’m Getting Up)

Thank you! That really makes me cry!

My ex-gf called my mom, and she brought her the two letters I wrote her. She said she only read the first three sentences of the last letter (in which I said she should view the previous letter as not sent) and then decided to give them back to my mom. She asked my mom to say to me that I should leave her alone now. I fckin hate that she doesn’t want to hear what I have to say. But thinking back, I actually did the same to her last time. And I’m actually very happy she didn’t read all of what I wrote.

I must accept that it’s over now. Things I do just don’t feel the same way these days. I am calmer, but I still think a lot about her.

I just really really really stop with anything to do towards her.

I understand that this is also a very good lesson for me. Haha

She still has a photography course planned which I gave her for her birthday. Initially I wanted to cancel it. But I just undid the cancellation. Cancelling isn’t gonna help either for my feeling.

Damn, emotions are a fcked up thing.

 

I just threw all the stuff away I got from her. Letters, cards, gifts, everything. I just had to do it, in order to get my state of mind right. And I feel a burden is getting of my shoulder now. It wasn’t easy to do. Before I did it I thought deeply through it. She was a perfect intimate partner. But for a relationship she’s was just not the right person for me at this time. If the universe wants us to get together in the future, then it will be completely different anyway from how it was. And therefore the stuff doesn’t matter.

Thank you @Randy you’re absolutely right.

Reading the No More Mr Nice Guy into the 3rd chapter, this is what I have learned so far:

1. I am OK just the way I am.
2. I must put my own needs first and find ways to meet them.
3. If I am in a (intimate) relationship, I have to communicate my needs in order to get them met.
4. Please myself first and then others.
5. No doubt this relationship I had with this girl had to break up, in order for me to learn what I learn now.
6. I have to admit that I have some sexual compulsive behaviour.
7. The messages that I recieved in my Family that seemed to imply that it wasn’t OK for me to be who I was, just as I was, are: my dad “pushing” me to get better grades at school. My mom who got upset when I was lying in bed with an inflatable swimring (which led to my fetish towards inflatable toys). When my mom got angry when I sprinkled suger on the couch when I was three. When my Mom & Dad got upset when my sister threw confetti on me because of my birthday. My mom always gave me compliments when I made something beautiful like a painting. When I didn’t do something my mom asked me to do, she got mad and upset and stopped “loving” me.

The Nice Guy syndrome is far more intergrated in my life than I thought it was.

It’s hard, but I will get through it stronger, better and more balanced and happy with myself. Together with and thanks to you guys!

 

Yes it was by accident, after three weeks of dating. She was going through a tough period and the kid gave her a reason to live. She wanted to have a kid with me too. That is something she said already after two/three months. She believed I was irresistible.

 

No I never had this feeling. Only one of the last times, when she initiated the sex before we went on a spontanious vacation.

 

Hi Fapstronauts,

For the next month I have a new target: I stop being nice to people, and stop talking to them out of politeness. This is one major way of how I try to get approval from people for who I am and how I want them to see me (as a nice social guy).
I will observe and monitor myself for how I think and what I believe if I don’t do this, that I am not a nice social person and therefore no one likes me, and if that’s the real truth.
I will do this at least till the 12th of March. After that I will come back with a report. Or if I slip, I will tell what happend, and what my thought process was.

 

Days are getting better.

Yesterday I had a netflix date with a girl at my place. She was definitely into me. But I couldn't pull the trigger. She really wasn't my type, and I didn't want the drama afterwards.

This date made me realise what a great connection my ex-gf and I had.

I still think a lot about her.

• Yesterday I was constantly looking from my office (next to the gym) to her car when she would left the gym.
• Today I went to the gym to do my workout. I also hoped I would see her.
• When I went home from the gym this morning, she drove past my appartment in her car (quite busy street), she probably could see me biking, as I was driving on the same side of the road.

I'm now at the point where I see my flaws as well as hers. We are both great and loving persons, but we failed to address the real problems. I did my best, and so did she. But it wasn't enough. And I can forgive her and myself for that.

This morning I did a gratitude exercise. I would listen to Flowers of The Forest of Mike Oldfield, open up my arms and be grateful for everything I have in my life. It made me a little bit more relaxed when I saw her car passing by this morning.

I'm also way more relaxed because I don't have to play the nice guy anymore. I actually feel a little bit like how I felt just before I met my ex-gf. I was in a good state of mind back then, not pleasing others and just being myself. I still have it inside me .

I do my thing, and I continue to do my thing. The motivation to get better keeps me going. I think I have finally found a way to solve all my problems: Just be me and put my own needs first.

Being me is actually the easiest thing to do. Putting my own needs first is an ongoing process. And I really start to like that.

 

I’ve registered myself to the New Warrior Training Adventure of The Mankind Project. Has anyone of you been to this weekend?



@Snakeloa @Svabo

 

Dear Fellow Fapstronauts,

Today I continue to improve myself. Last week I had lovemaking a couple of times and I orgasmed. I feel bad about my orgasms. So I decided to transmute my sexual energy by semen retention and focussing on doing things that will make me happy.

Next week I will be in Dubai with my mom for a holiday. I’ve booked a skydive at the palm island. That will be amazing!!! I have my book No More Mr Nice Guy with me. It continues to help me down my path. It’s a great book!

Cheers

 

Thank you for the support brother

 

Dear Fapstronauts,

It has been a while since the last time I posted. There are some interesting updates I want to share.
First of all I want to thank @cleanliving81 for pointing out to the NO MORE MR NICE GUY book. It really helped me so far in understanding myself and my position as a man in the world I live in. Thank you a million times!!!

My life is getting back on track. I continue to do things that make me happy. I have been skydiving in Dubai. This was an amazing experience!!! Next week I will do my first bungee jump ever!!!

I've set several goals. Currently I'm doing this NLP Practitioner training that will continue till june. In April I start with a 10-week course on wood furniture crafting. And I follow a photography course now. I'm also planning to take dance classes again. And I read one book every month. I do a lot of things... but I still have plenty of time. So I'm thinking about going back to do some work. My financial situation makes it easy for me to stay at home. But it gets really boring and I get very lonely.

After contacting my ex-gf and apologising for how rude I was to her we agreed to meet each other at McDonalds with her daughter. The main reason was to meet each other so her daughter could see me again. I apologised myself to the daughter about leaving the house without saying anything to her. Her daughter was very happy to see me. And she wanted my ex-gf and I to come back together. It was very difficult for me. Not to see her daughter, but to see her. When her daughter was playing outside, my ex-gf and I started to talk. We both cried for what happend, and how it ended. We hugged and kissed. It was confusing. Part of me wanted her back at that moment. But my intuïtive wisdom knows this will never work again. We are both just too different in what we want in our lives. I think this is mainly because of the difference in age (me 26, she 41). It was very hard. And while I write this down I still cry.

When she looked me in the eyes, she said it felt like in the old days. But I felt different, it was good to kiss her but it didn't felt right. But I did not had the courage to say that to her. I didn't want to hurt her again (I think old Nice Guy behaviour). And that part in me that wanted her back yelled inside me: grab her! kiss her! take her!

The next day we talked over the phone. And then she said it was better to leave it like this and to go both our own way. I had to agree. But my mind was still saying: grab her! And I said I wanted to meet her in the future, maybe just for friends. But she said she wasn't sure about that. So we left that in the middle. After I hang up, that night I blocked her from everything, including her daughter. I feel so fucked up right now writing this whole story down. I have never cried this much in my life. But I know it's the right decision now.

I know I will get stronger than ever before. But for now I will have to endure the pain. In the meantime I will work on getting my life back on track.

If you have anything to say, or want to share your opinion on this, please do so! I really appreciate it.

Thank you for reading!

 

UPDATE: 6 months later

So what has happend in the mean time? Where did I go? What did I do? Do I still have contact with my previous gf? You can find it all and more in this post.

Right now am writing you this from Canggu, Bali.

What? You say Bali? Yes!

Two weeks ago I started to travel. In my hometown I quit my house and gave everything up. Basically I am homeless now, and I travel the world.

But wait, how? Let's go back to where it all started...

I wanted to travel even before I met my previous gf. This I actually postponed, because I wasn't so sure of my self. As soon as I started to think about what to do next when my previous gf and I broke up, the first thing that came to my mind was traveling.

So I decided to go for it NOW.

Quit my home
I was thinking that I didn't want to come back to the same place after I get back to my home country, so I decided to quit my home.

I bought a one-way ticket, so I don't know when I go back. I will just enjoy my time here as long as I enjoy it.

And it's really great. I meat lots of people. The weather is great. I do a lot of cool stuff. Yesterday I went surfing for the second time of my life. I host my own Podcast show and started to write a blog again. Life is awesome!

NoFap
When I was in Turkey a few months ago, I decided to give up everything that is lust related. I found myself spiralling in sexual thoughts and wanting to go to massage parlours.

And then all of a sudden it hit me.

Every time I act on a sexual thought by masturbating or some other compulsive behaviour I stay in the same loop over and over. It doesn't bring me anywhere.

The only way to break the loop was to decide to quit masturbating at all.

To keep my mind strong and from lust away, I started to look into content from E. Michael Jones, Owen Benjamin and Bold & Determined. This is something I really recommend to everyone who wants to know how sex has been used on us as a tool for social and political control.

The propaganda of sex is real the enemy. It has been used and continues to be used to make us slaves of our sins and of the system.

Sex will only fill the emptiness inside of us temporary. Sex isn't intended to have unlimited pleasure from it with anyone we come across. Going that route will only make you feel more empty inside.

Sex is there to make babies and have pleasure from it while doing it. It is not there to do it with every girl on the street (and the girls your phone).

Giving in to sexual fantasies will make you a slave of your own pleasures. That's what I came to realisation. And I don't want to be a slave.

Girls
That being said, I do enjoy the attention I get from girls while I travel. I won't deny that. But actually I've been really low on interest with them lately. I'm just too busy doing things for my own, and I don't want to have the hassle again of fighting for a girl and having sex and then just repeat it all over again. Not as I used to do.

I want to be more serious now with a girl. But even for this I don't really take action towards it, because I don't really feel the need. For a moment that really started to frighten me. But then I realised about NoFap, flatlines and the purpose of why I do all this. It's simply not worth the temporary pleasure I can get from it.

Keep improving
It is not all rainbows and sunshine yet. It never will be all the time, because life is constantly changing and about accepting new challenges.

For example, I still find it difficult to say "no". But I am really paying attention to it and practice it.

Another thing I am struggling with is my goal & mission. I actually find it hard to sit down and write for my blog, so I do it less often than I intended to do. I doubt myself often for what I write. Am I really authoritative enough to write what I write? My main topics are Entrepreneurship, Personal Development & Masculinity. I actually want to speak on stage, so blogging sometimes feels like doing the wrong thing, although it contributes to my online presence. I will continue anyway.

Everyday life & routine
After all life is so much better now. I really do what I want to do. It's weird to not have a home. But in the same time it gives so much freedom. That's really cool and amazing.

I am working to improve my life everyday. Working out in the gym is still a routine. I read a lot. And connecting to people here is what I do very often. It makes life so dynamic. It is really great.

I have my routine. I (try) to go to bed at 11PM and wake up at 7AM. Everyday. I work in the morning so I have the rest of the day off. Sometimes I work in the afternoon as well. Sunday is my rest day.

Stay Healthy, Stay Strong & Have Fun!
I feel so much stronger now. No thoughts of going back to my old life. Occasionally I think about my previous gf. And then I laugh. I laugh because we had fun and it was a good time. It was in the past, and now I am here. I feel strong because I feel independent. It is all up to me now. And that is thanks to NoFap and every person I've met and continue to meet. But most thanks goes to God, the Divinity in us.

Thank you for reading.

Until next time.