90 day hardmode progress journal

[DAY 2/90]

Greetings. I'm almost a year clean from porn right now, and it's been great!

I recently went through a huge change in my life: I ended a three-year long relationship. I'm trying to stay focused on my recovery. I want to find healthy ways to cope with the pain I'm going through rather than going back to my old PMO habits. So, I'm committing myself to 90 days of hardmode (no porn, no masturbation, no orgasm). I never had much of an opportunity to do a hardmode reboot while I was in my relationship because we still wanted to have sex. So, I'm turning my breakup into a positive by looking at it as an opportunity to shoot for 90 days on hardmode. I will use this thread as a progress log (don't know if it will be daily, but I will post regularly to it).

Another commitment I want to keep with myself is to stay off of online dating websites and applications throughout the 90 days. After going through a breakup, those sorts of applications are tempting for me, but I know they won't do anything positive for me right now. I'm not ready to begin dating again (my recently ended relationship is still too fresh on my mind), and they might even make me feel worse or, in the worst case, be potentially triggering for my addiction.

Thus far, I'm 2 days into the 90 days of hard mode. Today was easier than yesterday. I focused on my work during the day, I practiced music on two different instruments, I went for a few long walks outside, I got together with some friends to play card games for a while, and I ended the night by working on a personal project I've been working on for a while. In short, I'm keeping pretty busy.

I miss my ex girlfriend a lot (even though we're still freshly broken up). It's very hard dealing with the separation after being together for so long. However, I'm also in a place of acceptance about it. Nothing lasts forever, and the fact that it would have ended eventually is part of what made it so special in the first place. Life can't happen without death. Connection with another person in a romantic relationship can't happen without eventual separation. I want to experience all the pain of the breakup day by day until I'm through it, and I want to learn as much as I can in the process.

I'm excited about the prospects of dating other people in the future, but I don't want to get too far ahead of myself. I don't want to rush through this recovery, but rather just take things one day at a time.

I'll probably come back tomorrow with more updates. Thanks in advance for your support and reflections!

 

[DAY 3/90]

Today was even better than yesterday. I stayed very busy during the day again. I worked, practiced my skills, worked on creative projects, and I ended the day by hanging out with my close friends. I'm feeling more and more accepting of my breakup situation every day, and I know I'll be able to move on as an individual with enough time.

At night before bed, I have had some trouble sleeping over the exciting prospect of meeting new women. Some of it is sexual, but most of it isn't. Most of it is just about meeting new people that bond with me in a way that I wasn't quite finding in my recently ended relationship. It makes me excited, but I also don't want to move too quickly with that. I know I am still not ready to begin dating again. I'm still adjusting to the single life again, learning about how to fill the time during the day that I might otherwise be spending with a partner. I think I need to have that sort of perspective before I can think about meeting other people.

I haven't been struggling with any PMO-related issues today. No strong urges to watch porn or masturbate.

Today was a peaceful day. I know it won't always be like this, but I'll cross that bridge when I get to it, I guess.

 

I'm sorry to hear that, man. Still, 69 days is quite an accomplishment, and I want you pat yourself on the back for that. Just because you made a mistake doesn't invalidate the progress you've made.

I guess just remember that it was one step backward, but not all the way back to square one. Whatever you do, don't binge on porn. My advice is to take things one day at a time. Your daily streak counter isn't nearly as important as your overall mindset and self-image. Stay focused on your recovery and you will start to feel better after you give it some time.

 

[DAY 4/90]

I'm not doing so well today. I haven't broken my hardmode commitment or anything, but I think I'm at risk of relapsing. My recent breakup has been occupying such a large portion of my headspace today. At night, before I go to bed, I spend a lot of time online. It's not helping me heal at all. It's just burying the feelings I need to confront with distractions. I need to really feel the sadness and grief over the loss of my relationship, but I think I'm just trying to numb those feelings instead of really letting them happen. That's why I think I'm at risk of relapsing. That's the function that porn served in my life: numbing negative feelings and experiences. I think it would be very easy for me to slip back into it, but I know that's not what I want and I'm pretty much forbidding it as an option in my mind.

I have high hopes that I'll be able to avoid relapse, because rather than watching porn, masturbating, or browsing dating websites, I came here and started writing this thread. Now that I've gotten some of it out into words, it feels a little bit better. In my opinion, being aware of the risk of relapse can be very useful in preventing relapse. Now that I know I'm in such a sensitive spot, I am much more prepared to take a walk outside, write in my own private journal, practice some music, or read a book if I start to feel uncomfortable.

I know I can get through this. Every single day I get closer to 90 days of hard-mode, and that will be quite the milestone to achieve.

That's all I can think of for now. If I'm really struggling, I might come back here later.

 

Thanks a lot. That is a very helpful reminder. I've set up a really strong support network for myself, and I recognize how much that has helped me get to where I am today.

 

Thanks for the motivation. You can do it, too! It's always helpful to know I'm not alone.

 

[DAY 5/90]

Today has been my most challenging day this far. I am extremely sick. I think I have the flu. This is the worst I've felt physically in well over a year.

It's funny because the last time I got this sick, I took the day off and watched a lot of porn. I figured that if I was going to feel miserable and be sick, I might as well make myself feel a little better with porn. That's simply not an option this time around, and I'm curious to see how I'll end up coping with it. I'm about to go to bed, but I thankfully don't work tomorrow and I'll just be able to relax.

I also had a difficult day breakup-wise. I miss my ex quite a lot right now, and I just have to dig deep into the rational part of my brain where I ultimately know that I broke up with her for a reason and I have to trust that I made the right call. I guess I've really been feeling her absence today. Thankfully, I have an amazing support network, so I was able to process a fair amount of all of this with close friends and family.

Anywho, I will probably be around on the forums more tomorrow, considering I'll be recovering from this nasty virus and the temptation to PMO will almost certainly be there. I'm glad I took the time to mentally prepare myself for the urges by unloading my thoughts into this thread.

 

[DAY 6/90]

I feel like death right now. I have a high fever, my lungs feel heavy and filled with gunk, and I'm sore all over. I hope I'm feeling better by the time I wake up tomorrow. This is awful

Despite my terrible health condition, I have some positivity: at least I didn't use PMO as a way to get through the day. I just rested a lot, relaxed, and tried not to do anything too intense.

I'm about 7% of the way there towards 90 days of hard mode now! I get close every day!

 

I live in the USA. I'm not sure about destiny or anything, but I'm glad my journal speaks to you.

 

I'm doing well! Day 12 for me now. I'm out on a business trip, so I haven't had time to update my journal. However, I will return to making updates when I get back

 

[DAY 14/90]

Just got back from some business travels. I'm feeling much better. Traveling always clears my head a bit and resets things for me. I still have a lot to deal with emotionally right now, but it feels much more manageable than it did before. I just have to keep taking things one day at a time.

Something else I reflected on recently was the idea of loving the process. Recovery is a process (both recovery from my broken heart over my relationship and recovery from PMO addiction). It's not something you achieve suddenly, but rather like something you unwind day by day. I think it's important to appreciate the process just as much as the reward. It's important to appreciate day 14 out of 90 as it is to appreciate day 90 out of 90 in my recovery. Every day has something new to offer, and some of the experiences I'm going through right now might be some of the same ones I miss somewhere down the line. Just a stray thought, but it means a lot to me right now.

 

I'm really glad to hear that. The idea isn't entirely my own. I heard about it from a mentor of mine in a weird twist of events while I was on this business trip, and I adapted it for recovery purposes. He was talking about it in the context of doing creative work (I think you touched on this when you mentioned the process of completing a product). Anyway, it's sort of my mantra right now.

No, the process is freedom. Every day you spend clean from porn is a day you are free