Stop misusing the term "Relapse"

While I can totally agree with the logic that you lay out here imho you're slightly missing the point.
The words "relapse" or "reset" are here to talk about ones own failure or failure in general here on the forum. The essential distinction between the two is that a reset is "less bad" than a relapse. But on this forum it's not necessary to tell other people that you did something which is more or less bad, because the discourse here is not about being judged correctly by your porn-addicted peers. It's about sharing your suffering with the others and finding solutions against failing in this domain period.
That's why in a discussion with another forum member the difference between relapse and reset becomes irrelevant, because we're not trying to figure out how to watch less porn, we're trying to figure out how to get rid of it. So a failure is a failure is a failure.

Let's be real for a second, most people here don't care who the other forum members are and whether they eventually manage to get rid of their addiction or not. We all care about ourselves, and that's ok. So we could care less whether someone else made a big mistake or a small mistake, what we care about is simply the answer to the question: What do you do so that it doesn't ever happen again?

 

I will consider that I relapsed if I dont abstain today. I slipped 3 times this week. If I'm honest, the 2nd and 3rd time werent a "slip." I found imagery on instagram that were replacements for porn. I half assed rationalized that I was simply deciding whether it was "porn" or not. From now on, any questionable imagery isnt up for debate. If it gives me a boner, porn or not...I'm abstaining from it. Also I realized I am not ready to PMO and went with P instead. I'll P for 3 weeks and head into PMO after that. Hopefully I'll be successful with a gradual change. I agree with ZenAf that terminology alone wont lead us to success, even though the terms are a useful component in expressing what we a going through. The real purpose is to share experiences and offer solutions.

 

I understand what you mean but that sword cuts both ways. As I understand addiction it's not something you gradually beat over time. It's that you need to make major realizations that come from brutal self-reflection, and those take time to acquire. Without those realizations you're just postponing your next relapse. Or in other words, if all that holds you back from relapsing is your will, then you're not done with it. You need to change your core beliefs about it and your will merely helps out with that.

That's why I see a reset very similar to a relapse. Both of them signal that you still think porn is great and that's the problem. Shoving off the responsibility to your addicted neurobiology doesn't help in the long run. Both reset and relapse mean that you're not ready to let go.

If, after your definition, you manage not to relapse after a reset, that's great willpower, but it really doesn't solve the problem and time won't solve it for you either.

So you see you can make yourself believe that you're making real progress by having "just" a couple of reset's instead of relapses, but in my book you're not much further than if you'd relapse.

Of course beating yourself up is not the right attitude. But the negative emotion is an absolutely necessary tool to have the force to change your current belief system about the value of porn. It won't move just through logic. You need to underlie it with the memory of strong feelings of failure and sadness, the stuff you feel after you relapse.

 

I think the words we use in discussing these issues are important. For example, I would like to see the word "failure" removed. In the mind of a discouraged person, "a failure" can easily become "I'm a failure" I think we can have "setbacks" and we can "slip up". We often need to "reset" and at times we "binge" and even "relapse". It is not semantics.

 

So the people who can't separate their actions from their person get to dictate our language?

 

Excuse me.

What do you mean?

 

I consider all of these as a relapse. If you're here to end the addiction once and for all, watching porn or edging for 2 sec is unacceptable. Really a night of watching porn isn't considered a relapse to you?

 

Well put. I completely agree with you.

 

For me, definitely a relapse. When I first started NoFap, I saw the term "reset" and realized it was a perfect loophole for a terribly addicted dark individual like myself. It was my way of attempting to control my addiction. These "resets" of mine quickly became a full blown relapse and I ultimately disappeared from this community and dug an even deeper grave for myself. This has been my story for numerous months until now. I finally accepted that complete abstinence from my obsessions is the only true way. A reset in my book is a relapse.

 

Exactly! A reset is just an excuse your brain conjures up when you're weak. Everything is a relapse when you willingly lose yourself in the fantasy

 

It's the logical conclusion from what you've written. The word failure can be applied to a person as well as an action, and in the context of quitting pornography "failure" is clearly meant to describe the action of quitting. And not a person.
But you're saying some people will think of themselves as failures, instead of their action, therefor the word is harmful and we shouldn't use it. Or did I misinterpret you?

 

How interesting

 

Thanks for explaining. Reading what you said again makes more sense to me now. I was slow on the up-take there, lol.

I don't think that such ones dictate our language. I am simply proposing that we do not couch setbacks in our challenge in such black and white, pass or fail phrases. People will say whatever they want, but for my part, I avoid the word "failure" for the reasons I have given. That's all.

 

Reset is not a good term because it undermines the action and makes it sound like "it's not big deal".

However, you do make a good point that not all relapses are the same: a week spent masturbating 3 times per day every day for 1 hour is a serious relapse, a week when you masturbated 3 times in total for 20 minutes each is less severe and a month where you masturbated once for 5 minutes less so. But at the same time masturbating 1 time per month but all in 1 day, ejaculating 5-6 times during 8 hours is a serious relapse.

So the conclusion is that yes, relapses can be different and we can name them light relapse or heavy relapse or put them on a light-heavy relapse continuum (1 for very light, 10 for very severe), but they are relapses nonetheless. "Reset" is not a healthy approach.

It is actually a crucial part of the recovery to learn how to evaluate your relapses because they are not all the same and they have different consequences.

For example, in my case i used to lie to myself that i didn't have a severe relapse cause i just ejaculated once in a day, but i willingly ignored that i spent 2 hours edging, which actually meant it was by all means a severe relapse.

As a rule of thumb, in my experience and considering what i had read over time on nofap, a binge relapse (which can mean multiple times per day or week, long sessions of masturbation or going though hundreds of vids) is much worse than a non-binge relapse.

 

I think it's important to add, that the definition of what a RELAPSE is for someone, isn't fixed, but is changing during recovery. It should be progressive.
Or do you don't think so?

 

I support Original Posters idea, and it has nothing to do with definition of the word.

One of the core ideas behind progress is seeing results, and there is a mentality here many take that only sigh of progress is extra day without Pornography, masturbation or sex. And any time you see a naked woman photo and like it - you stopped your progress, that's debilitating and emotionally scarring aside from being impossible.

Dealing with an issue is multi step process
If addiction is bad, really bad - start by taking longer breaks between your sessions and limit the time you do it.
Then make once a week, and even shorter
Then try stopping altogether, and not masturbating to it.
Make you masturbation farther apart
And obviously add activities that make you happy, your lifestyle does not change, you will not drop the addiction.

You have to define reasonable, achievable and specific goals. Reason behind this is biological, if you stop doing something that makes you feel good - you will be depressed, the sharper you stop the sharper and the deeper the depression.
You have been dong an activity your body depends on to feel normal, without this activity you will feel like shit, so your recovery plan is to slowly reduce it so you just feel bad and not spiraling in to a deep depression.
Feeling bad is a good sign, your body now begins to adapt to correct depressive mood. You have to help by doing things that make you feel better. Working out, trying your hobbies, talking to people etc.
Eventually your mood becomes stable, you feel ok and you are doing less of the activity, so you take next step. And process repeats.

You can see progress in this case, you went from daily unchecked use to every 3 days maximum of 20minutes. That is progress and once you got there, your mood is normal. Your body has the opportunity to adjust.

Stopping an addition in place is something very few people can do, and this comes with massive depression, combined with unrealistic goals and rules, people lock themselves in to endless spiral depressions destroying themselves emotionally and trust of their family.

Measure progress, not days. If someone had porn addiction and watched hours daily and then over few weeks went to watching it 20minutes every 3 days - that progress, they will feel better and they know where they are going - maybe only once a week for 10 minutes.
If you do not recognize your progress and just count days especially with lack of clarity as to what resets them, setting yourself up for failure doing so in a way that completely destroys progress you may have already made.
In fact some people get addicted to the process of constantly committing and then relapsing and getting all the sweet talk and attention.

If you are really recovering you can see changes in you day to day behavior and pornography begins to exit your thinking altogether, eventually its gone and you do not feel much about it. You do not need to wage war - its just not interesting anymore, you moved on.

I think it seems manly to just stop, you show control and power you want to show you are strong, but that is not really admitting to yourself that you have an addiction, you are already addicted, additions undermine the very strength you are trying to exercise.