What Day 0 is like for me.

My whole body is itchy and warm. I am numb inside. My throat feels dried and my voice pitch is raised. My hair is super dry. I am fearful to go outside lest I make some awkward horrible mistakes. My knee feels like it has weakened. My legs are weak. I consume a lot of eggs and milk to relieve myself of that weakness and pain.
My skin and eyes seems to be less bright. Anger that is projected out rather irrationally towards people.

Sleepy and tired. I see my family and people around me speaking to one another and laughing, but I don't feel a thing. I sometimes wonder why they are laughing, 'cause I cannot relate to them as my emotions and inner energy is dead. There is also a feeling of heaviness in my chest.

Guilt and shame clouds me. I cannot look straightly into the eye of an adult lest he/she finds out I was binging the whole night yesterday. I have attacks of resentment thinking about other people who pushed me. The thing about porn is that when you are in a social situation, and somebody says something designed to hurt or belittle you, you cannot respond a thing. Your mind is passive and numbed, and it fails to respond. Your mind responds only after you are alone in your bedroom and replaying that scene in your head over and over, building up resentment in you.

Meets new people, but fails to remember their faces in case I meet them again.
When I see men/women I know coming my way, I feel irrational fear in meeting them. Most times I feign ignorance of them or move away to an another path.
There is also that fear of impending doom, mostly acute while driving.

I cannot lift weights, 'cause I fatigue easily 1-2 days after MO.
Daily routine stopped on account of fatigue.
It feels like I lost everything I have learned up-to that point in time.
I cannot learn anything deeply too.
Cannot think of topics to continue a conversation I have with people.
People think I am a nice guy, but no! I was not before. I have been a competent public speaker and not a pushover. But porn enervated me.
Extreme voyeurism, the feeling of watching the world passively without confronting it with action, just like watching porn in screens with you passively absorping it.
Brain Fog. Women act to you as if you are no capable guy, 'cause you are a pheromonal beta.
Bad things happen a lot after I MO.
Thoughts of destruction and annihilation, a clear indication of straying from the path you were meant to follow.
Worse, if people criticize you for your incompetence, you feel like to break down and cry.
Night time is the worst, for I cannot sleep because there is that feeling of absolute dread. I get up multiple times from the bed, walk here and there with my mind running in circles.
Depression. Fear. Apathy. Malaise.
Shame. Self-consciousness.

 

Thanks. Appreciate that.
That origami was sure creative.

 

Yeah. Day 0 is mostly a hit on your self-esteem and disbelief in the fact that you relapsed. The thing I told above happens when I ejac. multiple times in a day.