Porn isn't the root problem

What I learned from 8 years trying to quit. First you should know my background. I was raised in a christian home. It was not only a sin to p&m, but a very serious sin. This created so much guilt and shame in my life. In my teen years p&m started out as a curiosity from inappropriate shows on tv that created a strong emotion inside of me. As my life went on I was bullied and picked on. I felt less then everyone else. I just wanted people to like me so badly but I couldn't seem to connect with them. I wanted approval from my peers, and It would hurt really bad when I got rejected. So I turned to that curiosity, that emotion that made me feel close and accepted by beautiful girls. I turned to p&m for relief. This became an addiction that would last years. I realized I had a problem. I realized that I was becoming more and more depressed. I was not connecting with my family and friends. P&m was cjanging the way I saw others and how I thought. I had an addiction and I needed to stop. So I tried to stop. One day, then a relapse. One week, then a relapse. A few months then a relapse. This went on and on... I got help from my church and my family because I told them about my addiction. Then in school, a girl liked me! Wow! Somebody liked me, accepted me and wanted to date me. Everything changed. I was done with p&m for around a year. Then we broke up. Then I went back to p&m and struggeling to quit. Then I met an amazing bunch of friends. They loved me and welcomed me in to their group. My problem wih p&m stopped for over 6 months, then I went to another country to live elsewhere. I went on to a year and then to 2 and 3 years with pretty much no p&m! I had something strange develop over that time though. So three years with very slight relapses of m. At this point I am still single and a virgin. Okay so I thought this problem with p&m is basically gone from my life for sure! I felt so free and happy. My relationships were imporved and I felt more comfortable in my relationships. This was great! Then I got rejected by a girl who I wanted to marry and it hit me so hard! I was depressed and my self-esteem droped like a rock in the sea. I then relapsed with p&m. This was a relapse after 3 or more years of being clean. I felt hopless. I felt like I can never get rid of this problem. As a christian my belief in God was fractured and my relationships were struggeling. I kept relapsing and I felt that I was becoming addicted to p&m again. Maybe this was who I am? Maybe I should let this be my life? NO.

Then my life changed. You see, I never even liked looking at those lustful pictures and videos. It was the feeling I got out of it. That was the reason I kept coming back. Our bodies are designed to have sexual close feelings when we see someone unclothed, because it tells our brains that they have the same feelings for us. It gives us a feeling of acceptance. They want to be close because they love us. Right? This is why porn is a lie. Those girls don't know you. They don't love you. Chances are, they are doing it for the money and that same sexual feeling. My life changed when I watched a video on youtube. "Pornography is not the problem" . I also watched a ted talk called "Everything we know about addiction is wrong" . Watch them! What I finally understood is that porn is not the root of my problem. Only trying to stop p&m is like pulling the tops of weeds off and leaving the roots in the ground, thinking that they wont spring up again. The root of my addiction and depression was this. I was not having deep loving connections with people. My whole life I was afraid of rejection. My whole life I was just trying not to be awkward around people. My whole life I had a low self esteem. You see, it was the environment I lived in, that was the problem. My disconnection with others was causing my depression and low self esteem. My fear of rejection was preventing it from gettng better, and p&m was my medication or symptom for so long. Our civilization has changed so much in the last 200 hundred years. It's crazy! People used to spend all day outside working with eachother and connecting with eachother. Now our civilization has developed tv, smart phones and cubicles. We have gone from a very healthy connected lifestyle, to a very unhealthy disconnected lifestyle. I've been facing my fear of rejection (watch this video to know how. ). I've been developing my self esteem, not caring what others think about me. I've learned to love and value myself and be positive in thought and action. I've stayed connected with people. When I connect with others my goal is not to be normal or try not to be awkward. My goal is to help them feel important and loved. If your goal is not to be awkward to to get attention, you will miss the connection. My goal is to connect with them. I'm also connecting with my God. So after eight years I found out the real casue of my loneliness, depression and addiction. Stopping p&m is not enough to cure it forever. It's hard, but we need to love ourself, love and connect with others. Exercise, get outside. Get out of the virual fake connection world. Overcome the fear of rejection! Eat healthy. Pornography is not your root problem. Dig deep and find the real problem in your life. If you fix the real problem, then the weeds will be gone forever. "The truth will set you free". I also believe that everything I mentioned above is exacyly what Jesus taught us. I wish you all the best! God bless!

 

Hey if they can get on my ass about paragraphs then I don't have to read your post.
Lol xD just kidding. I read most of it.

I really like what you say about feeling loved and whatnot. There's a little more science behind it, but basically yeah. I don't know the science. But I do know the philosophy really well. Kinda.
Here's what I know: The shame and guilt we all felt doesn't always have to be present after pmo. This can actually worsen it, like you said. When you are okay with yourself, it is easier to say no to your body. You feel more confident.
When you are okay with other people, you have opportunity to demonstrate control, and while you may not demonstrate control via sex, the proximity makes it seem like you have control, like your existence is part of something real. I sat down on a couch for a good two hours asking myself why I was so interested in a girl I couldn't have. I'm too tired to reconstruct the thought tree, but the gist of it was that I wanted to be validated. It wasn't until I realized I could love her without ever touching her that I was able to be okay with myself. I mean, with respect to what I was going through.
This also lead to me having more control over my masturbation. Thinking positive thoughts about the people I fantasized about before and after I masturbated enriched the fantasies I had and made masturbation feel more pleasurable. The key was empathy, and then everything else falls into place. Vanilla fantasies, they're called. Mine are a little different because I might date the person inside my head. I might get to know them. I don't do that so much anymore because I've been feeling anxious and I forgot.
Hope this is useful. Thank you for the post.

 

I will bump this topic, I agree with core concept.

Addictive behaviors need a place, if your lifestyle does not have that place, you will not develop them but that is critical when addiction starts and when you are trying to stop it. Once addition is in full swing it fuels itself.
When you want to stop it aside from just dealing with withdrawal you have to fill its place with something else.

 

It turns out all we need to do is subtract from the negativity.

 

I'm with you. Actually I go through the exact same thing. The catch all is insecurity, but I caution you against using it.

 

THANK YOU FOR REMINDING ME! It is so easy to forget to just not give a fun thought. So... SCRUCK ANYTHING I DON'T NEED TO THINK ABOUT!