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Sex Drive During Reboot?

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Frustrated17, Apr 1, 2019.

  1. Frustrated17

    Frustrated17 New Fapstronaut

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    Hello, my SO is doing a reboot, or so he says.....I honestly don't know if I really believe him. He claims he is around 60 days of NoFap. He refuses to really speak with me about it. He gets very defense if I bring it up, so I have just learned to leave it alone. I thought I would have seen some positive changes in this time, but I can't really say I have. In fact, things might be worse.

    I am 36 and he is 50. I am high drive and very adventurous sexually. I am also attractive. I really thought going into NoFap that since he was not taking care of himself, that he would be more interested in having sex with me. I practically have to beg him to have sex and half the time he does have sex with me, I feel like he is doing it out of pity. I have learned to back off, but I am honesty dying. To add to this, in support of HIM, I told him I would also stop masturbating, and I have stuck to that promise, but I am seriously loosing my mind here. I am young, I can't just ignore my urges. I would like sex almost every day, but I am willing to compromise at around 2-3 times a week and that still seems like some giant chore for him.

    I seriously feel like crap and I am pretty much at the end of my rope. I love him, but I don't think I can exist in this kind of relationship any longer. I guess I am asking other NoFap folks to shed some light on this. Did your sex drive take a huge nose dive after stopping porn? Any advise on what I should do? Should I continue to give it time? I am really trying to be understanding, but I am starting to loose my cool over the whole thing. Not to mention my self esteem is tanking. He actually admitted to me the last time we had sex that he had to fantasy about a porn scene during the entire time. OUCH!!! Thanks for letting me vent. Any input is appreciated.
     
  2. Tannhauser

    Tannhauser Fapstronaut

    That is terrible. Nobody should have to feel this way.

    My sex drive has stayed pretty consistent, but I understand that is quite rare. Many people in recovery, both men and women, experience a "flat-line" period where they lose their sex drive for a period of time.

    What concerns me more is that he refuses to talk to you about his recovery. Even if he is "sober" (meaning abstaining from PMO) it doesn't sound like he is really "recovering" if he is unwilling to open up to you. Have you suggested couples counseling?
     
  3. Infrasapiens

    Infrasapiens Fapstronaut

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    I tend to avoid this kind of topics because of my lack of experience but I do not think getting defensive about it is a good sign. Even if he is telling the truth, he sounds like he is still trapped at Day 1. If it makes you feel better, I am at Day 13X and my libido is dead so the lack of interest could happen at any time.
     
  4. Ajo1975

    Ajo1975 Fapstronaut

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    Same for me. Sex drive disappeared. But last days I was thinking about it and maybe the sex drive I knew of myself was not pure, it was always stimulated by P. It was like I had to stay horny all the time. Maybe now, by the time it will come back to normal levels.
     
  5. Bobske

    Bobske Fapstronaut

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    This really rang a bell
    Hi glad to hear someone else has this problem. But mine is the other way around.
    Me and my SO had a great sexlife and as the years went by it became less and less frequent (both almost 45 years old and together almost 15 years). I tried to talk about it she got defensive, things have escalated to sex once every 4 weeks and a giant row about it every 4 weeks.

    I myself did PMO because I felt it was the only thing keeping me sane.
    The longer I refrain the harder it seems to get but the more I realize how addicted my brain is.
    I love my SO with all my heart but my brain/addcition to sex keeps telling me "if she doesn't want sex, she doesn't love you" "you need sex, she should fill that urge" "she would if she really loved you"

    I'm not my urges.
    I want to be wanted and desired.
    Love can be sex but sex does not have to be love.
    I don't want (self)sex without love anymore.

    I'm going stir crazy but I feel the 2 times we had sex during my now 38 day NoFap journey has made it harder.
    Talking about it makes it harder. God I wish we had sex once a week again. (prefereably twice)
    But I know keeping the pressure on my partner is only going to make it worse

    So I think I'm going to try not to touch her, not to talk about sex or my PMO, NoFap etc.
    But first I going to run 5 km to burn ofs some frustration.

    Work on myself so I do not need my partner/sex to feel good about myself.

    Hope this helps.
     
    Faceplanter and Tannhauser like this.
  6. samnf1990

    samnf1990 Fapstronaut

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    Getting defensive is a bad sign. Telling you that he had to fantasise about porn the whole way through what should have been lovemaking is an awful sign. His current behaviour is not communicating that you are loved or valued. It does not show respect for you either.

    I would stop avoiding this topic of conversation, but instead make it clear that you want him to be open and honest about the success (or lack thereof) he is having with keeping away from porn. If you have a figure for his streak and know he is doing NoFap, then there is at least some communication. Make it clear that you are glad he is communicating, but that you want to be able to discuss this without him getting frustrated, dismissive or avoidant. Build on that small crack in his walls. Make it clear to him that you would prefer him to lower the drawbridge than have to peek through the hole or have to chip away at it with force.

    Remind him that you love him and that you want to be informed about his progress because of that love. You want your relationship to improve. You want your sex life to improve. For both of you. His reliance on porn as a stimulus (whether by PMOing or fantasizing about pornographic imagery) is the cause for your disconnect. He needs to recognise this and make a commitment to solving this problem. Solving the problem involves openness and honesty. Making you feel like the topic is out of bounds may feel to him like a way of avoiding pain or discomfort, but it is also (whether consciously or not) a way of protecting himself from the consequences of relapse or reset. He needs those consequences in order to kick the habit.

    Choose the right moment to communicate to him what you need (eg to have a calm, open and honest discussion about his struggles with porn and attempts to give it up). Give him the chance to think it over and come to you when he is in a calm mood, as the fear, shame and self-disgust that surround this topic for him may, in the moment, cause avoidant and gaslighting behaviour if he is pushed or pressured into satisfying your curiosity immediately. After a big fight like that, both of you are likely to avoid the topic, meaning you will not make progress in repairing your relationship.

    Part of your partner's brain will be trying to continue with his PMO behaviours. Part of it will be trying to maintain your relationship. These are conflicting goals. He needs to recognise which of his desires is true, pure and good, and brings true happiness and joy in his life. He also needs to recognise which of these drives within him is damaging to him, his relationships and to the lives of those involved in the entire industry that profits from this drive. He then needs to do everything he can to pursue one of these goals, and to ignore, silence, and finally remove the damaging drive from his life. That requires openness and honesty.

    You can make things easier for your partner, but that also involves insisting that he goes to some difficult places. He needs to face some harsh truths, including facts about himself that he perhaps does not want to confront, and the fact that his actions have consequences. Inaction and avoidance can also have consequences, and they could mean losing you. If he loves you, then he will be willing to try to change, and to try to include you in his journey of self-improvement. Avoiding the topic entirely will not help your partner. It will create the conditions he needs to stay addicted to his damaging behaviours without having to confront them or to improve himself.

    Good luck to both of you.
     
    Susannah and Bobske like this.
  7. Fallensoldier1

    Fallensoldier1 Fapstronaut

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    I had a very high sex drive and actually went hard mode unti day 101 when me and my wife were intimate. I haven’t really had much trouble with erections and I’ve always had a high sex drive. I always started I wanted sex everyday. I was always horny.

    For the last two months my libido and erections have went missing. It’s so scary. I’ve never felt like this. I used to have to always advance and beg my wife for sex. I would take my pants off at the drop of a hat. Lately, she has wanted to, and I haven’t.

    I wish I wanted to. I miss sex, I want my libido back!! So I would say yes this is very common.

    It just concerns me that he doesn’t want to talk about it and gets defensive. I have been open with my wife and talked to her about my addiction. I always want to talk about it and tell her how I’m feeling. But unfortunately she doesn’t really understand and doesn’t have much of a desire to talk to me about it much, and sadly I don’t really have her support. I mean she doesn’t think of it as much of a issue. She thought all guys MO’d and that it was Normal.

    I would try to get him to open up more about it. Relationships are supposed to be about communication.
     

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