The worse addict of all time

My girlfriend came over last week and we had sex. She texted me this morning she is pregnant. And she intends to keep it.
This is supposed to be good news right? After all, I'm working and she is working too.
The reason why it is not a piece of good news to me is because of the following:

• I have a mental problem called addiction. I have been masturbating to porn since 2002 and she doesn't have any idea of how wasted my life is. She thinks I'm the nicest person ever and she is the luckiest person ever but that a lie.
• I have developed hypertension as a result of not giving my body rest over masturbation and porn since 2002 and I continue to live in this addiction. I have also refused to go get medicinal help as I can't imagine a life long of taking meds every day.
• I feel I won't live long and will be misleading her into a widowhood life worse a sick on bed husband for her. I have been blaming her for cheating me but I think I'm the biggest cheat for not letting her be aware of my medical condition. I feel a heart attack or stroke is just some few months or years away especially as I have tried everything to leave this addiction but I keep coming back. Last Tuesday I ended a 15-day streak.

I really feel I'm the worse addict to PMO in the world. It has affected everything of mine and every organ. I even masturbated in the office during office working hours, I'm the worse human in all recorded history of humans. Since 2018 August I have been trying to reach 30 days and have failed miserably. I even wish sometimes I was dead.

It sad to know that you don't have control over your own mind and body, this is what this addiction takes from you, your mind and your body from your control. Now, I'm really starting to worry I will never be able to quit.

 

superiorman is right. heavy problems need heavy solutions (getting into a strict regiment). plus i feel like you should be able to tell her about your addiction. i'm sure she'll be understanding. shit, if you're having something as major as a kid with her, i'm sure you can open up about your PMO addiction

if i'm not mistaken, there are therapists that specialize in PMO recovery so that's an amazing place to start. as for the health related issues, i'm no doctor just some random dude on the internet, but i don't know if hypertension and an increased risk of stroke/heart attack is related to PMO. maybe go to a doctor and get a checkup. explain your situation to him/her. they'll give you good advice and guidance

if you really love your wife, you'll change for her, right? quit your addiction for your wife and kid. as for now, eat healthy. work out as much as you can. be there for your wife when she needs you. maybe get into meditation. there are so many things you can do on your own to ensure your well-being. but the two most important things are reaching out to a doctor and maybe even PMO therapist. you can do it dude. nobody is a lost cause or tossed away because they're so damaged from porn. you can do it.

oh and, STAY OFF THE PORN

 

Thank you guys. I will try and do all you have advised.

 

Update. I have been off masturbation for some days now. It hasn't been perfect, there has been many relapses but there has been a major improvement.

My masturbation is usually triggered by a bad feeling be it disappointment, sadness, rejection, unluckiness, or something negetive. In a day of such feels I hurriedly rush into my alone space and fap. I came to understand myself better within the past about 5 weeks and now I have mastered my feelings.

I don't allow bad feelings to get to me anymore. I rather tackle problems and solve them. It even showing in my work. I take on assignment and do them. I gladly accept challenges and solve them.
I feel more confident now.

Also, I couldn't handle being alone. I saw being alone as loneliness but now I am enjoying my being alone times. I don't gets sexual thoughts when I'm alone. I also know that urges don't last forever and when they come I speak to it to go away and I ignore it.

Above all a man needs to accept they need help, decide to quit and consciously reject the thoughts of not winning against this addiction and actually intentionally seek for positivity.

I can feel improvement already. I will give you an update in a months time.