What do you say...if anything?

In our 25 years together, I have never told anyone about anything related to my husband's PA (except here on nofap). The main reason for that is because I always thought that's just what a good wife does...protects her husband's image from outside scrutiny and judgement. I didn't want people to think less of him, and I thought that by protecting his reputation, I was showing him my willingness to be supportive.

Other factors that have kept me from saying anything are 1) my fear that no one would believe me or they'd think I was exaggerating. Everyone we know thinks of my husband as the most respectful, honest, moral guy around, and he'd usually be the first to speak out against any kind of infidelity. He's the last person anyone would think could be a PA. 2) Because of everyone's beliefs about the type of person my husband is, I feel like all of the blame for his addiction might unfairly be shifted to me...I'm not a good wife, I'm not sexually available or don't care about his needs, etc. While none of that is true because I've always been a ready and willing participant (much more than he has), it's easier to point the finger at me than at someone who seems so unlikely to be a PA in the first place.

For a long time, I was really good at hiding my pain, and everyone has always thought we are the 'perfect couple' so it went completely unnoticed. But, several years ago I finally got to a point where I couldn't keep it all inside anymore. My Mom and sister especially could see that I wasn't myself anymore. They've asked me about it numerous times but in gentle ways so I've always been able to pass it off on life stresses. And, as the betrayal trauma has gotten worse over time, I've slowly isolated myself from most of the people in my life that would have been the ones to notice. So, with the exception of close family, the need to explain anything to anyone has been nearly eliminated.

I'm realizing now the toll it's taken on me to keep everything inside for this long. I am merely a shell of the person I used to be. But, to be honest, way back when I first decided to keep it all to myself, I never would've thought that I'd still be living in this nightmare all these years later. I truly believed this was an issue that we would face together, and we would quickly do whatever was necessary to put it behind us and move on. Obviously, it didn't happen that way, though, and the longer it went on, the harder it became for me to tell anyone so I never have. However, I think it's time for me to tell my Mom everything. In a way, I feel like it's something I need to do...it's the right thing to do. She already knows something major is affecting me, and I know she worries about it a lot so it seems unfair to not share with her all I'm going through. I can trust her to not tell anyone, and I know she will only react with loving concern, no judgement. I think it'll be difficult to open up about everything after all this time, but I suppose it can't be any harder than holding it all in forever.