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Feels like I'm going backwards

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by SoberSquirrel, Apr 2, 2019.

  1. SoberSquirrel

    SoberSquirrel Fapstronaut

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    Hi,

    As the title says, I have a feel I am going backwards. Three years ago I decided to completely stop watching porn. It worked well for 2 years until I decided to just take a sneak peak. Since then, I started watching again at around 2-3 months interval. The more I watched, the smaller the intervals were. Now I'm about once every month and the urges come more often. Last time I watched was around two weeks ago.

    My wife knows about and helps me. She really doesn't mind If I watch porn occasionally as long as it doesn't start disturbing our relationship. She seems open about it but I still feel bad after watching even if it doesn't disturb her. We once watched some together and I didn't feel bad at that time.

    The way I keep myself from watching usually is thinking about how bad it is after. It takes a few days for my brain to recover after a session of watching. Why do I still feel bad about it even if my wife "approves" in a way?

    I tried APs but that didn't work out. One was not in my time zone while the other one was five minutes from where I live.

    My second AP was cool in the beginning. We completely shared our stories. We would hit a like button in a private message every successful day. The guy was my age and in a similar situation. One day, I watched porn and I felt bad about it so I wrote him a message. He answered me that he's in the same boat because it just happened to him a few days ago. I don't understand, why haven't I been contacted? Aren't we supposed to support each other? I wrote a message and haven't received an answer since two months. It's just a shame that people are so unreliable. We're supposed to help each other in this community.

    Anyways, to come back to the previous topic, I really feel I am going backwards. Is it possible watching P from time to time without feeling bad ? I just feel that If i keep watching it's gonna get back to where I started and just mess up my relationship.

    What I learned from this whole thing is that I shouldn't have taken a sneak peak last year. It's possible to fall back just after one little drop.

    It is very appreciated if you are still reading at this point. Means a lot.
     
    Aurora Chaser, chiyu and Nugget9 like this.
  2. Gvn2Fly

    Gvn2Fly Fapstronaut

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    The below is written from my point of view as a porn addict. I don't mean to speak for you as I have no idea whether you were addicted, how you started watching, or why you decided to quit.

    It's possible to watch P from time to time without feeling bad and escalating to watching more just as it's possible for someone to have a beer or two every once and a while. Do you think it's possible for a recovering alcoholic to have a beer or two without spiraling back into addiction? There's a reason recovering alcoholics don't even have one drink ever again. Porn Addiction is the same thing. Addicts can't ever look at it again or we will likely relapse. You said the time between sessions is becoming shorter and shorter and you feel it's going to go back to how you started. It's possible that for YOU, you cannot watch P from time to time without it escalating which means you need to give it up completely.
     
  3. SoberSquirrel

    SoberSquirrel Fapstronaut

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    You're right, I shouldn't be watching at all. I feel like I'm starting over except that for now it's only P without the MO.
    I remember how the path was hard when I completely stopped. I really don't feel like going through that again..
     
    CH3RRY likes this.
  4. CH3RRY

    CH3RRY Fapstronaut
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    I agree with @Gvn2Fly . Don't ever go back. You don't need porn for anything. And it doesn't mean anything that your wife approves watching porn. Does she know how dark this whole thing can get? You need to listen to yourself.
     
  5. SoberSquirrel

    SoberSquirrel Fapstronaut

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    There's also so much NSFW content on the internet. It's so easy to come across triggers. Sometimes I see titles of porn videos on certain sites. I get that curiosity feeling and it is what makes me think about watching P.
     
    CH3RRY likes this.
  6. determined_new_life

    determined_new_life Fapstronaut

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    Agree. My wife used to watch porn with me and did not mind at the time. Now she does mind as she saw how addicted i became. Its tough but life is better all round staying away from it. That experince you have as I do of staying clean from p , how you actually felt in comparasion to how you felt when watching p is the real proof of the pudding.
     
    CH3RRY likes this.
  7. SoberSquirrel

    SoberSquirrel Fapstronaut

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    It feels so good without P. Now I keep thinking how bad I feel for the next few days when I watch porn. That and all the comments are keeping me away from it right now. Thanks guys, this is making a difference.
     
    CH3RRY likes this.
  8. I realized recently that my problem with P is that I'm actually an addict. This is different than someone who occasionally over-indulges or has a temporary dependence on it. The addiction pattern is one that is self-reinforcing - the more you do, the more you do. It's subtle at first, but the way the escalation happens, both in terms of amount of content, and type of content, is unavoidable if you are really addicted. I thought I could just be a "casual user", like I am with beer, or ice cream, or bad tv - but I've now seen the cycle happen to me too many times to continue fooling myself. It sucks, but if this sounds similar to your situation, facing it with clear eyes and accepting it is the only way to move past it.
     
    SoberSquirrel likes this.
  9. SoberSquirrel

    SoberSquirrel Fapstronaut

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    Yeah I thought I'd be able to view some moderately but since I used to be an addict, looks like that's not possible.
     
  10. SuperiorMan95

    SuperiorMan95 Fapstronaut

    Just like a wedding vow. Make a porn vow. Never again. This isn't some light hearted shit. This is straight HEROIN. Do not even come close to it.
     
  11. SoberSquirrel

    SoberSquirrel Fapstronaut

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    I'm
    You just reminded me how bad this is. Better to stay away but when the urges come, it's a difficult fight. It's just way too easy to access. I find that's the hardest part. It must be harder than heroin because of the ease of access :/ I tried coldturkey and k9 blocker but I always managed a way to get through so that doesn't change anything.
     
    SuperiorMan95 likes this.

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