Starting a hard mode challenge

I'm 32 and I've been struggling with pornography and masturbation since I was twelve. I've been married for twelve years. My wife told me today I have one last chance to quit this addiction or she will divorce me. She's been telling me for a long time, but I haven't really heard her and internalized what she's been saying until now. The addiction has turned me into a selfish self focused person who had completely emotionally withdrawn.

I hate myself. Every time my wife does something nice for me I hate myself more because I don't deserve it. All I can think about is that I'm going to die alone and unloved.

Where do I start? How do I move forward?

 

I guess the porn and masturbation is a habit that formed when I was young and lonely. It was a way of distracting myself from my depression and lonely feelings. It's just made them worse. I just don't understand how anyone could love me. I've destroyed my marriage by abandoning the only person who loves me because I don't understand why another person could possibly love me.

 

I've been keeping it up just fine. I'm beginning to think that porn isn't my main problem. My main problem is I hate myself. I just keep the porn around to prove I'm a sinner who doesn't deserve to be loved. I'm just lost right now. Like I'm awake to all the problems I've caused in my marriage and wish I could go back to sleep because of all the pain. i won't do that because it would make it worse, but it would be nice. All I can think about is that my wife is probably going to divorce me. She says I have to love myself before I can love anyone else.