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Trying to prevent divorce and heal the marriage

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by PodcastEnthusiast, Apr 25, 2019.

  1. PodcastEnthusiast

    PodcastEnthusiast Fapstronaut

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    I admitted to my wife that I'm addicted to porn on Saturday night. Since then, it's been a struggle for the two of us to communicate, and it feels like every time we have spoken, some new piece of information to her has emerged that has pushed her even further away. The result of this is that I feel as though being honest with her is not the correct approach, because the more she learns, the worse she feels about herself and her newfound perception of who I am.

    Last night we were speaking about the situation and I told her that I'd joined this community and will be seeing our therapist alone on Friday to talk through everything and discover the underlying reasons for my compulsion. She was asking questions about when and where I would look at porn and M. I told her that primarily it was while I was at work. I'd have a compulsion to look at porn, so I'd open up my throwaway reddit account, browse for a bit, and sometimes go to the bathroom to M, sometimes not, but usually not less than once per day, although I'd browse several times per day, even if I didn't intend to get off afterward. I then said that it might happen sometimes if we were on separate couches, and I might then sneak away to the bathroom to take care of myself. This is the thing that really upset her. "While I'm in the same room? We've had a sexless marriage the entire time we've been married, and you're looking at porn in the same room as me when you could have just had sex with me instead?"

    At that point she declared that for the first time in our relationship she's not attracted to me any longer and that there's no way to avoid divorce. It seems I'll be moving into the spare room for a while, and we won't be seeing each other except when we're both with the kids. She took off her wedding ring, but has not said that she intends to sleep with other men.

    I'm at a loss as to how to approach her in the future, and can only hope that as time moves on and I continue to abstain from P, she will be able to feel close to me again and we can get our relationship back on track (for the first time, really). I have a lot of guilt and shame and don't blame anybody else for my behavior, but her declarations regarding divorce are obviously a huge struggle for me right now. Typically when she gets this upset it will subside in a few days, but this time feels different. I know that in any case it will take time for our relationship to either become repaired or meet its ultimate doom, but I need to make sure that I'm doing everything I can to get it on the right path. I've been making excuses for far too long.

    I've been reading through some other threads in the relationships forum and that has helped. I hope to find somebody in a similar situation to share stories and feelings with. Thanks to anybody who read this and thanks in advance for support and guidance.
     
    need4realchg likes this.
  2. Live and Grow7

    Live and Grow7 Fapstronaut

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    Hey fellow married guy here and I know it must be tough. My marriage has also been low sex and it's causing struggles for me and my wife too. I know she's probably so hurt and giving her time to process I think is key.

    I think it's good to let her know how much you love her and if she's willing to hear it that you're taking steps to overcome this and have the marriage you two have imagined when you both said I do.

    I sincerely wish you good luck and strength. My wife is personally in Don't tell me, show me. Honestly for most people talk is cheap, we've both got to show them with our actions that we are gonna fight for our marriage
     
  3. PodcastEnthusiast

    PodcastEnthusiast Fapstronaut

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    It sounds like you and I are in similar places right now. "Show me don't tell me" is a familiar refrain in our relationship. The difficulty for the time being is that, at least in relation to showing her that I do in fact want to have sex with her, she isn't open to me approaching physically. Patience and change on my part are likely key. I'll have to overcome the desire to have things fixed instantly.
     
    Butterfly1988 likes this.
  4. Live and Grow7

    Live and Grow7 Fapstronaut

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    Yeah I hear you on that instantly fixed part. We both sound like we just want to get back to the love and fun with our wives. We've gotta earn it though. Through consistency is hard work. We're built for it and we can do it.
     
    Susannah and PodcastEnthusiast like this.
  5. PodcastEnthusiast

    PodcastEnthusiast Fapstronaut

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    Damn right we can do it!
     
    Butterfly1988 and Live and Grow7 like this.
  6. MaxP71

    MaxP71 Fapstronaut

    I'm in a somewhat similar situation, in that my wife recently found out about my problem. I've started seeing a therapist about it, and one thing that came up was the suggestion to avoid exactly what you describe above - having her learn about your problem in painful little bits and pieces over time, each one re-opening the still-raw wound. The suggestion was (somewhat counter-intuitively) to NOT talk about the specifics until both of you are ready to have a "disclosure" session where you get it all out and she knows there aren't any more surprises waiting to bite her. In the meantime, focus on your acceptance that you've made mistakes, your committed to change, and your desire not to hurt her anymore than you already have.
     
    Mourde and PodcastEnthusiast like this.
  7. PodcastEnthusiast

    PodcastEnthusiast Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for the reply and the advice. My wife and I have traded a couple of emails in the last few hours and the one thing that's clear is that the situation is dire. I'm going to give her the space that she needs and will move downstairs to our converted garage for the foreseeable future. I only hope that in the coming days and weeks she's able to forgive me enough to speak to me again. Her last email was, to put it mildly, not good.
     
  8. Live and Grow7

    Live and Grow7 Fapstronaut

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    I'm sorry to hear that Pod. I say don't let it dissuade you from continuing your path to recovery. It all sounds like this is still very fresh for her and I say let her take the lead on how you guys recover from this.

    Keep doing your best and show her as best you can that you love her and want your marriage to work. We're here for you buddy
     
    PodcastEnthusiast likes this.
  9. blazer72

    blazer72 Fapstronaut

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    Here are a couple of resources to help. The betrayed, The Addicted and The Expert podcasts and the book Out of the Doghouse. Start the pod cast at episode one. These give a good understanding of what she is going through.
     
    PodcastEnthusiast likes this.
  10. Mourde

    Mourde Fapstronaut

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    I would have to first say welcome and you making the right choice in fighting your addiction. I think all the married guys here are all in the same situation,at one point or another we all can relate. when I first disclosed this addiction to my wife she threw her diamond ring from our porch and into the street and I only found out she did when I came home for lunch and she was gone and one of my neighbors was walking by and found it and brought it too me asking if it was my wife's ring. That was like being run over by a truck, it took a couple of days before she would even talk to me again and about a month before she would take her ring back and that was before I disclosed everything to her. She found this site for me a couple of weeks later and told me if I dont start to heal myself and show progress on healing she was gone.

    So you are making the right steps on bringing everything out but I will have to say from my own experience it's not good to hold anything back, being open is honest no matter how hard you might think it is,it gets worse if they find out in bits and pieces. When I disclosed everything it was hard on us both but there was one detail I thought I told her but months after she asked a question and I answered it honestly and it was something she felt i was holding back on purpose it was like the first time I told her all over again.

    The best advice you can get is be open and honest and educate yourself about your addiction, make sure she knows you care about her and reach out when you need help. This site has a lot of good material on it and make sure you plan out your recovery. I great book to get is called sex addiction 101,lots of good info in it!

    Good luck on your journey my friend!
     
    PodcastEnthusiast and MaxP71 like this.
  11. MaxP71

    MaxP71 Fapstronaut

    I would second this recommendation! My therapist loaned me a copy; I've found it to be very helpful.
     
    PodcastEnthusiast and Mourde like this.
  12. The courage you show is impressive bro. I would like to say that I am in the similar situation. I cant touch hug kiss, etc. Although my wife had to put up with a lot more than just pmo.

    My advice is to not rush the recovery. Pace yourselves as that you get to reset the relationship too. If you have had a largely sexless marriage , there is hope for a dramatic change

    Also, good for you for recognizing there is no easy way to say that the person she thought she married is buried underneath years of addictive behaviors.

    You would be best served to have someone explain what it means to be an addict... to explain the worst aspects particularly for then back up to whatever is your reality.
     
  13. PodcastEnthusiast

    PodcastEnthusiast Fapstronaut

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    Thank you so much for this recommendation! I’m about to listen to episode 2 and it seems as though this is exactly what I need to hear.
     
  14. PodcastEnthusiast

    PodcastEnthusiast Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for your kind and thoughtful response. I think she knows what addiction is intellectually, but not practically. I hope that in time she’ll understand a bit better what I was going through and I can understand better the trauma that she’s going through now.
     
    need4realchg likes this.
  15. PodcastEnthusiast

    PodcastEnthusiast Fapstronaut

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    I’ll have to check this book out, too!
     
  16. I am new round these parts... lol but even though it’s only been a week....All I can say is the SO/wives don’t know.

    It’s kind of scary how much they assume doesn’t apply to their husbands... it’s as if the perception of “addict” isn’t true in their cases.

    The simple fact of how addicts respond in any other situation ( drugs, alcohol, smoking, eating disorders, or anything that is compulsory or addictive (imagine hoarders tv show...) the SO have a cognitive disconnect. They seem to br shocked with each revelation—suggesting they can’t comprehend why addictive characteristics apply to their loved ones.

    My guess is because you (like many of us) have hidden it so well they don’t really know how to apply this information.

    So it’s like peeling onions for them to really, really, I mean deeply see how desperate this situation can demoralize and destroy a man.

    Give a good dose of that up front to show how bad it can be. Explain what is Binging ... can last days on pmo; little food or water, or combined with other chasers ( alcohol , drugs, prostitutes), ability to skip or miss work, inability to focus on tasks, insomnia, basic functionality is replaced for pmo.... spending money in cam shows or escorts ( in my cases a mixture of tinder/fantasy/girlfriends and exotic international trips)—well over 50k in 5 years; etc. You aren’t functional if you don’t get help.

    The idea is to give an accurate dismal view, then adjust to whatever is your personal scenario. Listening to ladies here , seems they all seem to describe the latest episodes or revelations and simultaneously hold an “unmentionable” fear as they wait for the “other shoe” to drop.

    Just get it all out and they will (for the most part) take some time out —- back up to wait and see. Honestly they can’t be close to you while you hurt them with the truth. That’s why the distancing happens. It’s a protective mechanism but it’s not used if they plan to leave you. It would not matter, they’d be gone and fine.

    One SO said it perfectly: “I am caught between wanting to run into his arms, and desperately run away from him as far as I can.”
     
  17. PodcastEnthusiast

    PodcastEnthusiast Fapstronaut

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    It’s unbelievable to me that you’re that new to this community. If you’ve learned that much in such a short amount of time I hope that means that I can, too.

    A lot of what you’re saying strikes a chord with me. Thanks again for your insight. The quote that you used to end your response puts a lot into perspective.
     
    need4realchg likes this.
  18. Thanks man. Yeah I joined last week, and I have tried to quit pmo since I got baptized at 14.... I see it as I have gotten really good at failing. That’s at least 20 years of experience in losing to pmo. Lol. That makes me an expert flunker.

    The way I found nofap had nothing to do with wanting to save my marriage. I had given up on it— because i had given up on myself. Then i came across a guy, 700lbs, who joined a bodybuilding forum like this—- and by just connecting with the users he turned his whole life around. He was encouraged through the community to “flop around”, because he had let himself go so bad. Well, he took the advice of complete strangers and his life turned around, and eventually began to lose over 400lbs in a year. I identified with the obese guy but vis-a-vis pmo struggle.

    One day instead of looking for my fav site I looked for a community to quit porn.


    I have learned a lot by listening to the women’s perspective. The guys here can be very encouraging. But what has given me hope after 20 years of failure is the tools , the community, and the knowledge that is shared.

    I don’t have to know you, to know how this can really mess up a marriage. I am also starting to think clearer which is huge.

    Also I honestly didn’t want to quit I was in so deep. I mean I know I needed to , but deep down I was harboring doubts that I fully could. The best thing here was I found some accountability groups, I have more than one. And I started like you journaling. It was really intimidating— I shared some with my dad in one our talks... and he couldn’t take it; was just too much. So here, it’s a band of brothers, and sisters. You will see. So will your wife. Just take it easy with your expectations ... and steady as you go.
     
    PodcastEnthusiast likes this.
  19. PodcastEnthusiast

    PodcastEnthusiast Fapstronaut

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    Like you, I didn’t want to quit and I’m sure that part of me still doesn’t actually WANT to quit.

    Just moments ago I was listening to the podcast that another fapsternaut recommended and one of the hosts said a phrase “you may well never look at porn again” to another host and my brain immediately thought “well that’s ridiculous, why would I want to never look at porn again?!” I suppose that was another learning moment about how true and deep this addiction is. Society tells us that most guys watch porn. Well, that may be true, but they’re not all doing it in a healthy way and it’s clear that I am not one who has the capability of keeping the habit at a healthy level.

    I’ll take a look at some of the stories from the ladies. I’m sure that they offer a very unique perspective, as you describe.

    I’ll keep journaling every day that I can. It’s incredible how therapeutic it is, even if the journal doesn’t get a response.

    I don’t have any accountability partners yet, but I suppose that’s a next step.
     
    need4realchg likes this.
  20. I laughed out loud at what your brain said. Mine said almost the same thing lol. :cool: Yeah as you start to quit I think you get other symptoms where your brain will scream for the dopamine. Plus, I would do pmo for any little stress, or boredom, or a project at work... so now all those stress factors become triggers and it sucks, cause I see I need to grow up i guess. Confront my situation and problems. Yeah pmo just really sucks man.

    Yeah, actually quitting more than pmo is my challenge. I still have extramarital relationships that i am thinking i’ll Have to give up and it’s a struggle. I just didn’t want to reduce my options I guess; but I understand pmo creates what around here they called a “brain fog.” The cycle of pmo makes it physiologically hard or impossible to think your way out of this trap.

    Kinda like hiv where your autoimmune system is compromised ; here pmo compromises your brain’s ability to reason. It can heal itself (thank God) but it takes a reboot and time.
     

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