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Wtf is wrong with me?

Discussion in 'New to NoFap' started by Wtfisthis, Apr 28, 2019.

  1. Wtfisthis

    Wtfisthis New Fapstronaut

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    Hey people!
    Let's start from the beginning, I was 5 when I was abused, okay simply raped...by my own uncle (I haven't told this thing to anybody, and this is the first time I'm writing it somewhere else than my diary)
    Firstly I wasn't accepted this, I was scared to accept, I didn't wanted to. It took me years to accept that yeah it happened what now.
    I'm trying my best to get over it and somehow I'm making good progress bug I think it's showing it's affects.
    I'm scared of actual sex, I mean I don't think I'm ever gonna do it actually, have never done it nor do I want to...it sounds gross to actually let if happen with my body.
    But I think about it, I think about it so much...i imagine about it.
    Sometimes I imagine myself as a boy forcing other boys and girls to have sex and sometimes I imagine some guy forcing me to do it(i don't fancy anyone, I never see anyone's face in my imagination)...yeah I never imagine it to be the romantic slow stuff. I imagine it to be forced, to be rough...i guess that's what i know about it...idk...but I think about it a lot.
    I watch porn(mostly gay boy's porn, I'm a girl) the forced, rough stuff...i guess he has messed me up already, he had fucked up my mind...idk...I'm not weak, I'm trying my best...I've even battled depression and now I don't want to kill myself anymore(I've tried it earlier but now I think I've recovered completely but this is the only thing that bothers me now)...i want to live, freely and this is the only thing left that's holding me back...

    Can you please help me...please!

    Thank you
     
    Rollercoaster002 and CH3RRY like this.
  2. Jake_king

    Jake_king Fapstronaut

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    Hello, it sounds like you have already had to go through a lot of hardship that if I'm honest I think myself and a lot of the people on here would struggle to relate to and advise in any way. But a good community can be a sympathetic ear and a place to sound out your thoughts safely knowing that you are doing so anonymously and with no impact on the rest of your life.

    I think it is important not to blame yourself for the unusual sexual thoughts you are having. Your title of 'what is wrong with me', I think comes from this place. You have suffered through something traumatic and it is normal that your relationship with sex and your own sexuality would be affected greatly. This is nothing wrong with you though.

    Do you access professional help either through any national service or paying privately? This might be a good first step to starting to process these intense feelings. Feel free to update us on this thread or message me directly if you want someone to check in with periodically.
     
  3. I'm Hokage

    I'm Hokage New Fapstronaut

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    Stay Strong Buddy. You got this.
     
  4. What you allow your mind to focus on is what will get bigger and stronger. By continuing to fixate your thoughts on rough, forced sexual behavior, you are reinforcing this negative view.

    Working with a therapist may be helpful. Working through your experience as part of a support community is highly recommended. NoFap is a great place to start. I would recommend that you stop viewing P entirely. It will provide you with nothing more than warped examples of what sex is like. Nothing you see in P is real.

    Focus your attention on helpful and true things, not on lies and fantasies. I wish you much success on your journey.
     
  5. seekagoodlife

    seekagoodlife Fapstronaut

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    As Tao Jones says, nothing in P is real. The actors, the roleplaying, its a movie with cuts and editing, and its completely off what reality is. The fact you struggle with P and obtrusive thoughts most likely (if not evidently) comes from the abuse that you were the victim of in your childhood. I must say I admire you for talking about this painful event. Meditation can greatly help with emotion management and feeling better overall. Its your best friend against PMO and bad feelings. Stay tuned on the forums, discuss with others here, there are lots of people that have extremely useful advice. I hope you recover from everything. Best of luck. Peace.
     

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