The Mighty That Fell ~ Squeaky Soul's Journal

There is always hope.

I don't want to excuse your relapse. You know better than that. But you're in a very fragile state of mind right now. This is a time for mourning. Don't beat yourself up.

Know one thing: We're here for you, and we will still be when you are ready to ride the next attack.

 

Of course you do. There is always hope. You are not a machine, you have lost something important to you in a horrible way. Relapse as a stress response is pretty common. I do it. You need to give yourself time. don't be unrealistically hard on yourself while you sort out grieving for your friend.
Be as strong as you can be and keep moving forward.
LWB

 

Squeaky,

You do have hope and you succeed more days than not. You have a lot of mental turmoil with your friend's suicide. Nothing pretty about it. It is too common and every one is a tragic event. This is doubly tragic for you because he IS your friend. You cannot change the past and the friendship you had together. Celebrate the life he had, although too short, and mourn his death. Mourn your loss.

There are a thousand guys and gals on here to support you. Use us to get through this.

FW

 

Squeaks,
I remember a year ago when you and I were two scared young men, with no idea how we were going to get through a 90 day hard mode challenge. What did we do? WE GOT TOUGH. We took shitty cold showers. We got on everyday, even when we didn't want to, and wrote about our days. We bonded with our brothers, and we all struggled through together. it was HARD. But.... we relied on each other, and we got through it. Thats right. WE GOT THROUGH IT. You have made a huge community round yourself and we all would do A LOT for you my brother. Hell, if you want my # to text in case of a late night emergency, ill turn my phone all the way up everynight so I can get your texts to talk you out of it. Theres a ton of hope my man. Keep you chin up. Message me ANYTIME

 

You came and posted here about it. The hope permeates through your actions. Give yourself a few days of letting go. Letting go of past worries, future worries, present struggles. Let whatever feelings rise up show themselves. We're here for you whenever you feel down. You have faced suffering, internal from your own mind beating yourself up and external world for giving you the push to the ground you were not ready for. The other side of suffering, though, is understanding, insight, wisdom, love, and compassion. There is so much to learn and grow with the suffering we face in our lives. It really will change us for the better. Just have faith in the path you feel is right inside and allow yourself to heal. When the time is right you will rise. I wish you the courage to submit to weakness, and the courage to allow the strength that will then rise and take its place to pull you through.

 

Your pain and grief must be overwhelming and confusing to you. Please...take care of yourself. Reach out and find someone to talk to. Get some exercise and make sure you are eating and resting. And...at this moment...don't beat yourself up too much about your relapse. Sure...that's not the healthiest way to cope. But, that is the way you cope and escape. I encourage you to find alternative, healthier outlets. Try to steer clear of the triggers and the slippery slope. But, don't beat yourself up because you are grieving and hurting and seeking to escape by doing what is your most familiar escape mechanism. Now isn't the time to add more guilt and pain and frustration to the pain of losing your friend. Send a PM if you want to unload and have a listening ear. Get with some real flesh and blood friends and cry together and tell stories and remember. And take care of yourself. God is with you. God loves you. Your friend is with God. And God loves your friend.

 

Squeaky- read through your journal-
sorry to hear about your loss. You'll probably, at some point go through the five stages of grief in some order or another: Denial Depression Bargaining Anger Acceptance. (Especially Anger with a suicide-) I hope you can forgive your friend for murdering your friend. I hope that comes out right- I've- I've gone through that and (at least in my situation) that was what I needed to do. Not condone it or excuse his action or try to make sense of it, but- forgive it.
Will pray for you and your friend's family and his soul.

Sounds like you have a good priest, I can understand why you would maybe want to be one someday.

 

Earnest Lee: what do you mean? "I hope you can forgive your friend for murdering your friend"?

 

Yeah, I don't know if that's the best way to phrase it Earnest Lee. He made a decision, and I feel we should respect that decision. It's the least we can do to let him rest in peace. We don't know what he's been through or was going through, so we don't have any right to judge him.

 

Well done for getting out of bed and simply lying back and recreating the feeling. It is pretty difficult to resist after a nocturnal emission. Do you use that phrase because you didn't have or, at least, were not aware of having a dream?

 

Hi Squeaky sorry to hear about your dear friend. Ive experienced them temptations that follow from a wet dream. Sometimes id be on a 7 day streak, have wet dream, and then go on a porn binge straight after. I hate wet dreams, they are messy and ruin my sleep, lol. Im a beginner Lucid Dreamer and have had the ability to sometimes become aware of when im about to experience a wet dream, and control it by steering clear of the cause inside of the dream. Lucid dreaming is something that i believe can develop self control and this can be transitioned into the conscious state. Just something to think about if you keep having more nocturnal emissions.

Take it easy.

Hiesenberg

 

Squeaky, sorry to hear about your friend. It is impossible to imagine what goes through the mind of someone who takes their own life. I think you should consider it a reminder that the only certainty in life is death and all we have is time and the responsibility to spend it in the most graceful manner.

After getting on nofap, I've noticed how difficult getting back in control after relapse is. Stay strong and be in sight of your path in life.

 

Hey,


I wish you well and all.

But I wonder what was happening in your life when you took a step back? Were you under stress? Breakup? Feeling anti-social? Not enough good alone time (non-PMO of course)? Did something happen in your family or friend circle?

From what you wrote I intuit that something has changed. I know most of my reasons for PMO are non-sexual. They are anxiety(about any number of things), worry about women or money, feeling bad about my status, shame, guilt, feeling like a crappy man. ....

Those are some of my big triggers. I sexualize my problems....then I don't deal with them and seek release though PMO. When the problems are under control or at least in my conscious then I have very little urge to PMO.

Just remember .... you did 278 days!!!! that's awesome. I think I could sooner climb Mt. Everest than do 278 days. I'm only at 19 or whatever. you're an inspiration. And learn from your mistake. Know that there is some urge in you that you still need to outgrow in order to do no PMO again.

My 2 cents is that there is something more you need to learn about yourself.

Good luck