New &Embarrassed.

So yeah... here I am. New.

Told myself for a while "it's gotta stop"... considered NoFap for a while... then the self loathing hurt too much.

Religious background which makes it more painful. Not, no hellfire worries... just feeling hypocritical..and not strong enough. Also the number of people that relish in a person of faith having "issues" angers me... it takes quite the dedication and will power...and to know people out there hope for your downfall to create ridicule... smh

I'm digressing.

I can't lead others in a clean conscious if this keeps coming up. It's been something for years.... scrambled porn channels 25+ years back... premium channel watching while parents were asleep and checking out in newspaper TV guides if it may contain nudity...

stumbling into my cousins XXX VHS stash...going to his apartment when he was gone to watch.... even at college... sitting in the back of computer labs...downloading them to floppy disks (remember those?)... just to get some relief.

I've "done it" to lots of things... even categories I wouldn't have fathomed in my late teens or early 20s...

then my late 20s hit...and early 30s... family life boredom... I needed excitement...and would seek it.

I'll cut it short...I'm sure there's a bunch of threads to contribute to..or probably new ones to create (maybe a journal too) about it...

I've taken initiative into finding out how to "do NoFap right".... couldn't find it...so I figured... "Ok, I guess....you just stop it. And go cold turkey with urges and no particular game plan..."

So far that's what I've been doing. It's going to be almost 3 weeks I believe.
Last two days have been difficult.

Erections are a lot better than before (I got lucky like 3 times.... 3 1/2 if you count sucky-sucky).

But I feel as if though I have so much pent up sexual energy/frustration.... keeping celibant before matrimony can do that and being a dad crazy fast, too.... then being in 2nd place...and then 3rd place (another kiddo)....

Maybe it's an early mid-life crisis (Jesus that sounds old AF).

So anyway, yeah... 3 weeks.... last two days difficult...

I was looking at pretty chicks online... then happened to wonder if this one waitress a guy I know had a one night stand with was online at her job's website... then I remembered a club I went to nearby... checked out the site...

why the hell was that? Waitresses/servers... perform also... short shorts, fishnet stockings... thick butts...twerkin'.. smoking hookah... started catching myself watching like 9 clips.... then realized "whoa crap, don't fall for it... you've come a long way."

Then turned it off.

But even now while working... just... wanting some kind of intimate female connection... and it doesn't have to be the romance kind... XXX has f'ed me up likely. And I've been thinking about doing the nasty as hell things I've seen just to feel alive and liberated.

Confessional... I'm sure some of you dudes have done it...
Check out the women's section of NoFap... and fantasy briefly about DM sliding
and hookin' up.

Yup. I hate this.

(religious self imposed shame will ground me a bit. I know sex is a natural function...it's just--by my faith--it has ground rules. Sometimes jealous of unreligious/atheist people...there's no worry of God's approval... just knock-your-socks-off. Lucky mofos. I crave that 'blue pill' many a time.)

I was doing so good, too

Ok. That's about it for intros.

Hoping to make it to week 4 and for my mind to be clean of the accumulated images over the years and several "dang, I could've had her" times on business travel.

 

Good Psalm. Forgot about that one. I've read it before... lesson on not envying the "unsavory actions" of others... which I certainly have been doing when it comes to (this may sound 1960s/1970) "sexual liberation"...

Thank you.

 

Appreciate you, man.

Fortunately I haven't caved in... I flirted with some material...(looked at a social media page of a club I went to where the women servers are... aye yai yai and they do all sorts of 'things').... I did do that two times..but after like 3 minutes was like "Ok, stop. You're gonna goof up." (no nudity or sex in it btw)

I like your point about it being the best time in one's life to show servitude to family and faith. That's a good point. Wish I thought of that to chill out sooner.

With my then girlfriend....wow.... loooooooots of pent up sex energy. Never lived together. Never did "the deed" and that was YEARS. Then finally...marriage...and in like barely 3 months I think "I'm pregnant"....

I feel like I've been getting 'looser' if you will (not with her...just in anything online...or offline when I'm out) because of making up for lost time. Kinda like when a girl becomes a teen-mom at 17...then when she's 33 is trying to make up for her 20s and act nutty? Yeah... concerned about a male version of that for me

[digressing, sorry. i'm typing from the top of the head as thoughts enter]

A major major issue as far as taking the matter head on with the misses....

I'm going to sound like a dickhead.... let me just get that out the way...

The physical attraction is..... eh. I know I know.... two kids can change a person's body and priority to get in shape but..... my "member" isn't convinced. (probably thanks to years of XXX...dammit)

She'll say things like "I feel fine" or "things are ok, aren't they?"....... and the times I shared my feelings...this overwhelming sense of "dude, you're super needy...selfish...and way out there hoping to have a sex life like XXX even if it is all fantasy la-la-land fake stuff."

But the thing is.... I want that. It looks like it feels amazing as hell and you're king of the world.