I finally got it off my chest

Today 5/6/2019

I talked to my Juijitsu coach about my PMO addiction and how it been consuming my life for almost 10 years. We sat there and talked about life for 1 hour 30 minutes. I then also today told my taekwondo master and we talked about life for about 1 hour 15 minutes.

I learned so much stuff. Not only about my self but them as well. I don't want to fail them as there student.

I made a commitment to both of them that everyday I will be doing something to improve myself. Whether it is training or just getting out of the house and doing something. I need martial arts back in my life and I needed someone to help me with this addiction holding me back in life.

With working nights it's going to be tough. I expect failure but I am going to do my best every day not to fail. Every time I am on the computer I am going to tell myself I am not going to fail.

I am so happy today after I talked with both of my teachers. I feel at peace myself and I feel like I am going to finally become that better person I wanted to be.

 

Thanks I am going to need it haha.

 

the past 2 weeks I have been using Jiu jitsu to figure out some things in my life and to fight my inner demons. I also noticed I have spent a lot less time on the computer during the week.

 

I am not going to lie it's hard to do. I almost walked out before my Jiu jitsu coach came in for that day. I didn't really cry that much telling him, it was more like a shake down for me. I couldn't stop shivering the whole conversation I had with him. It's still hard for me to stop though. I failed again this morning before going to bed. So it doesn't just magically make you stop. I feel like S*** every time I do it now because I know I have 2 people I am failing every time I do it.

I will say though ever since I told my BJJ coach about it I have been doing the 6 AM class every single day after work and have been on the computer a lot less. I do feel like I am more active than I ever was. I am using BJJ as a way to fight through my struggles the past 2 weeks and it seems to be helping a lot. The weekends (now) is going to be the struggle for me since there is no classes and I never have done anything on the weekends expect waste my life away on the computer. Today I am just cleaning my room and going to finish reading a book I started a few months ago.

The advice I can give is tell someone close to you that you can trust to help you like I did with my BJJ and TKD coach. It is so easy to lie to a specialist or a pastor about your progress. I lied to myself for months with the Chaplin I have been talking to and I feel bad about it.