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Introduction and thoughts

Discussion in 'New to NoFap' started by endofolding, Dec 23, 2014.

  1. endofolding

    endofolding Fapstronaut

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    Hello! I am a newbie here :) I am very surprised that there is such a web page and community at all!

    Little bit of background. I've been addicted to masturbation in the past. I realised it before my 20's. After I became a Christian during my University years, I had a pause in it for 9 months which looks impossible, but it really was like that, the overall change was big enough. Later I continued with it. I cried and prayed for help from God. I got free of this addiction after a married couple prayed for me for this problem. That was like a miracle: before this I just had to do it almost daily, but after this I knew I didn't have to anymore. Such a good relief. But I had my sexual needs which were not filled so I continued, but it was much different and less than before.

    I also watched porn. It wasn't an addiciton like masturbation was, thankfully, I didn't have to do it, it was clear for me. But I wanted and I did it. Living alone, being gay, longing for my mate -- it often ended up with porn and masturbation. I didn't have the real thing, OK, let it be virtual then, as substitutes for real life. I knew if I had my mate, I wouldn't do that, that would be just ridiculous. I did it because of that huge void in me, void of another person to love and hold, and to be intimate with. Besides, I knew that watching porn is a sin (and it didn't had to be written in the Bible to understand that). But I still did it, felt sorry about it, were totally open to God about it, not hiding anything. I didn't even repent because that didn't make sense to me anymore. I was just unable to find my mate for (the past) 7 years and that's why I acted like this.

    Then, all of a sudden, more than a month ago, I realised that I will never find my mate. I had my hope until then. There may be guys who I like and who like me, but I have been unable to find any of them. Having a lonely nature makes it all so much harder. I am too old already, 34, and I was suddenly absolutely tired of seeking. Be it so then, alone for the rest of my life. Having random or short-term sex-relations is no option for me. At least I have God. Having realised that, and being so incredibly tired of those two substitutes (masturbation roughly every week, porn maybe once a month or less), I just made the conclusion that it doesn't make sense if I do these things. If getting a lifelong relationship with my mate is such a far away and unreal fantasy, then why try to imagine or mimic all this? It doesn't make sense, it's against my logic, and it'll be like cheating myself. So I asked myself two questions. 1. Do I have to masturbate? - How on earth can it be that I have to do it? Says who? Ridiculous! 2. Do I have to watch porn? - How on earth can it be that I have to open these web pages and indulge into them? No, I don't have to. Who says I have to, who's the commander in such things? Me or somebody else?

    After having all these thoughts, I felt like it was a bomb that exploded in me. I still don't know where did it came from. Am I going crazy? Becoming asexual? I also don't know yet if that was a permanent change or is it something temporary, like a run down of my psyche.

    I haven't masturbated over a month now and still don't feel any need for it, same for porn. I even have less sexual fantasies in my head and even if they arrive, I remind my situation so these fantasies doesn't make sense then, so no need to continue. My dreams have been very erotic soon after it happened, but since I am mostly morally awake in dreams, I haven't indulged into sexual activity even there, except few cases only, but they didn't look immoral in the dream.

    Now I feel strange down there, like always full or some physical pressure coming from inside. It's like a very mild pain, but it's weaker than eg the feeling when I want pee. I've never felt this way before.

    Today I started looking for information from internet if such a long pause in ejaculations can be unhealthy or dangerous. I found an article about a guy who abstained for 100 days, then I found this web page here and read some posts and stories. Imagine, there's a whole world out there trying to do the same as me :) I couldn't even dream of anything like that. That is more than great. Thanks to these stories I know that it shouldn't be dangerous because many others have done it and much longer. Besides, I have my own 9 month experience. So I qualify as "no pmo in hard mode" :) I remember my own early attempts of avoiding masturbation in early 20's or before and it looked like an impossible thing to do! Because if I had asked "Why?" (maybe subconsciously), I couldn't find a good answer. The question "Why?" seemed so irrelevant. My reply would've been something like "It's a natural need and I can't help myself with it."

    I see that many people have counting meters. I have done such counting for myself in the past, for many years actually. I won't create any such here though because actually I am not fighting for the better anymore, I have given up and don't care. If I can do something, I will do, yes, but if not, then not. If I sin, then let it be (which is so sad to say). My situation is hard enough already. If God is doing something in me, he knows it better. If I can go on like this and will stay healthy down there, it'll be the best I can hope for now. I don't hide that I feel depressed because I haven't found my mate, but I am also glad at the same time that I really don't indulge in that sin. But only time will tell what's next.
     
  2. Aryan

    Aryan Fapstronaut

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    If you have not then read these articles on masturbation addiction:
    http://fightpornaddiction.com/masturbation-addiction-explained/
    http://fightpornaddiction.com/how-to-stop-masturbation-addiction/
    and porn addiction too..
    http://www.tigerfreedom.com/5-mind-blowing-benefits-of-quitting-internet-pornography/
    Also read something awesome about sex transmutation where you can channelize sex energy to other aspects of life and not physical outlet...
    http://www.sacred-texts.com/nth/tgr/tgr16.htm
    http://www.tigerfreedom.com/power-sexual-energy-need-stop-releasing/
    GOOD LUCK
     
  3. endofolding

    endofolding Fapstronaut

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    Thank you! There are many good thoughts and information I hadn't heard of before.

    Now little bit to add to my own story too. After having read different stories in this forum and seeing the problems, I feel inadequate here. I'm not fighting or trying anything anymore like most others do. I don't have any technique nor good effective suggestion. I don't have any plan how long to stay free, I haven't even thought about it. Stress or being alone don't cause me to neither watch P nor M, I live alone anyway. I don't know how to support others, maybe except some Christians only.

    I remember my prayers years ago like "God, if I can't do anything with my sexuality, please take it away from me, I don't need it, why I have to struggle with it?" (by falling into P and M and then feeling bad later). I tried "trample" on my sexual urges by just avoiding it -- didn't work. Nothing worked. Later I stopped repenting these things, it didn't make sense. I only had the constant will not to PM because these are petty things to do for a man, especially to someone who goes to church. And I knew that P is a sin, that bothered me most. I had in my mind the idea, and still have, that God will punish those behind every single P or erotic image and video one day.

    So this long term battle had little effects, generally changing the frequency of doing these things. Until I gave up and reached to the stable equilibrium of PMO about once a month and MO about once a week, and the knowledge that this is not solution, and being very tired of them. Then some months later something happened to me, boom!, as described above, and now over 1.5 months later I can say those bad things are gone. If this sort of asexual state lasts then good for me! But if I should fall into those bad old things again for some now unimaginable reason then it's time to learn something from the stories here. As before, only time will tell.

    I feel first time in my life like that man whom I visited once who was such a big drunkard, but when he got saved by God's grace... We talked in his room about 10 years later after it happened to him and he noticed that "Oh yes, there is some vodka on the shelf for feet, quite forgotten." Although it's too early to understand yet if God was behind my change, or just my age, or my thoughts and will. Maybe I am blind about it, maybe I will never know.
     
  4. endofolding

    endofolding Fapstronaut

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    I decided to continue my story here, the introduction has been done already. My nofap lasted for two months when I fell into some sort of depression where I was home alone as usual and didn't want to wake up in a weekend, and finally gave in. About two weeks. February the fourth was the last time I did it so it's day 40 today after that.

    But the situation where I am now is totally different. I felt so extremely bad after I fell into PMO again that I made up my mind: if I can't live without sex (not having my partner has been the constant cause for PMO), then I have to go into promiscuous or similar lifestyle and start looking for sex partners. Actually, after falling into PMO I decided that now I will do that, I can't see any other way out. I've been celibate almost all of my sexually active years and now I'm 35.

    But... I couldn't. Just couldn't. First, diseases. I just said to myself: if I want to have such sex, be ready for STD's and doctors. Secondly, Paul has written in the Bible that fornicators won't go into heaven. I don't agree with the Bible about banning homosexual relations, but I do agree with it about sex outside of marriage (lifelong commitment). Do I really want to exchange heaven for sex? No, how could I ever do that? I still have my faith that has been given to me, which is grace, pure grace. I still have some understanding between good and bad, so it's natural to use that understanding from heart. I can't change that understanding, it's also like given to me. And third reason was that I don't like meeting people, getting many half-acquaintances. Be it something real then, with a good and sound purpose. I need lots of reasoning to connect to other people, because connecting to other people isn't anything natural or easy to me.

    At some point after the beginning of February I decided that if I will fall into PMO or MO again _just once_, I have to go into promiscous sex life. I can't bear this need anymore. And trade heaven for sex. And face possible STDs. Which all means that now I am in a very very hard mode where I realise that anything sexual at all is actually first step leading me away from faith, heaven, purity, Christianity, God. This is very cold turkey, freezing cold, I take everything sexual as banned for me. By now, I have slipped twice into P but I didn't look for it for that purpose in the first place, just a series of different website links led closer and closer to nudity and P (and of course I can choose those links). I did watch a bit some pictures but stopped pretty quickly, realising what am I really playing with. And the last time that I saw a link to comething indecent, I could freely let that link unclicked and closed the tab.

    I've had much less fantasies about sex than I used to have. And no blue balls. I've had urges only 1-2 times so far. One day I had some and I had some sexual images in my head, and then I started feeling blue balls, but I stopped that fantasy quickly and that feeling also left.

    On one hand, this is extreme chastity that I can't rememeber I have ever done before (except those 9 months once), but on the other hand, this clear cut has given me some sort of peace that I'm doing the right thing. No sex and no wet dreams, and I have felt a greater and greater inner energy in the past week or so. Something that I didn't experience last time. But now, yes. I feel like I started swimming over the ocean. Very risky thing to do, almost like a pathetic attempt, actually doing the impossible, but I hope God is somewhere there helping me with it. I've actually stopped praying for this because I am fed up of that too -- haven't seen any help. Maybe this is my first ever big step of faith and maybe this is actually that long-sought help from God. I really hope this absolute chastity will become my way for living. But thinking rationally, this sounds just insane.

    I am aware, based on my past experience, that all this may have a very miserable end. As I've mentioned, I am tired of fighting my sexual needs, but now it has turned out to be fighting for keeping my salvation, which is so much more important, most important of all things ever. This is like key for my fight. Staying sexually sober is just a very clear consequence of that.

    Time goes on and on and I'll see what's next.
     
  5. endofolding

    endofolding Fapstronaut

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    Little bit of update. I was so tired up of PMO since I fell into this again so... I started real life sexual activity. Very little, and only as a cure for extreme need, and many won't call this even sex. But still, sexual activity, against my principles and morals, against Bible, because I didn't find a way out anymore. Even though I now allow this as a fire extinguisher, I still continue what I have reached so far -- 3 months without PMO -- and ask for "help" from another man only if it becomes unavoidable, I mean, if I need a release from sexual tension. I feel much better: no fantasies, no masturbation, no porn or similar, no edging needed: if I feel anything sexually, I will cancel out all the substitutes I've been so familiar with and focus on the possibility with another man only. I can even walk around and see handsome guys without having sex with them in my fantasies.
     

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