My F'd up relationship

Sorry @1dayattatime you can have your journal back.

@Queen_Of_Hearts_13 is among a handful of commenters that I highly respect, look up to for insight and read her references voraciously because of our past exchanges. Her story is one that I try to follow.

 

ALL of the boundaries I have currently put in place are just what @Queen_Of_Hearts_13 mentioned

Concerning only my wifes safety and trust building. That was my feeling on how it should work. Now we each have a different set of our own personal ones that we are working on in the interim

My wife balked at first because she thought it was too restrictive is the wrong word, but she felt funny because it was all about her needs....i think or i hope I have made her feel better about it after I explained my thinking on just being about safety for her.

She is a memeber her and some of you speak with her, we ignore each other out of courtesy so we do not see posts
Good day to us all

 

Man I am right there with you. Has one of those today too. We agreed to a truce and reconvene tomorrow. I told her I’m going to write out my feelings first before discussing.

 

FANOS?

 

I’m going to study this thank you @hope4healing

 

I am currently looking into fanos.

But I Haven’t tried it yet.

I agree with your premise too; timely expression of feelings eliminates the pressure that builds towards unhealthy expressions of healthy emotions.

The stress you describe appears centered around two conflicting circles. I don’t know how you feel about the infamous Venn diagram but, your circle of emotional expression is one, but get safe space vibe is the other. The amount of overlap that you both share appears to be quite narrow depending in the circumstances of your mutual needs.

Maybe evaluate the non-emotional aspects of your conversation strategy.

When do you talk; when would be better?

How long do you discuss an issue normally? How long/short would be better?

Are you taking pauses in your conversation intentionally ? I noticed you paused the other day as I did as well. Maybe it’s a LOT to detox in a single session. Would breaking it up make that easier for both of you?

I know with my wife the thing that absolutely drives me crazy and agitated is the “and one more thing.”

I mean ... today we planned a hour discussion but I got sleepy after 30 minutes. And then the “ and let me tell you one more thing.” I would wake up more alert thinking okay, almost done , and then “and another thing , just one more thing again, and let me tell you last thing...”

Arrrfhhg!!! I think for me it’s expectations management. I think I take her words too literally and she takes my lack of words too emotionally.

I know one thing we did once to get us to calm down... we recorded it. We did like an audio recording and just talked into it.

Being aware that it was going “on the record” had such a powerful effect on me especially.

The other thing we did too, stopped talking by ourselves. I know the kids need to be gone but we started scheduling talks at Starbucks and that helped a LOT. I stopped feeling like my wife was going to trap me in a room for hours ....

Anyways you pick and choose if these tips might give you guys some respite.

 

Another way to state your conclusion is: "She is more important than me." And this is what love is: Putting the other before the self. It doesn't mean that others are actually of more worth than you on some objective scale; but it does mean that as far as you are concerned, her wants and needs are more important than your own.

This is a completely different way to live and approach relationships. It takes time to get in the discipline of putting yourself always in the one-down position. I have come to see it like this: I can pursue my own goals at the expense of others, and achieve anything I want -- and I will get to enjoy my achievements alone, because I will have abandoned all others to get there. Or I can pursue relationship at the expense of my own goals, and see what happens -- and whatever we find and wherever we arrive, we will enjoy it together. I spent many years in selfish pursuit of my own lonely pleasure, and that led only to disaster. Now I am trying to pursue a life of relationship; not just in my marriage, but with my kids and with family and other friends, too. I do not love perfectly, and I probably never will, but I'm working on it. Communication is just hard, no two ways about it.

What about having both? If you choose self over others, you will never have relationship. If you pursue others over self, you never know what you will get. Might even be better than what you originally had in mind! As a parent heavily engaged in raising children, I am reminded of this constantly. My life is on hold for their sake, and I wouldn't have it any other way. The same can be true in marriage and other relationships, too, I think.

When I look out for #1, I am first one only my own list. When we all look out for each other, we are #1 on everyone's list but our own. Sounds like a pretty good trade off to me. Just my $0.02.

 

Yep, that's the Christian teaching on relationships. It's the only one I've ever found to actually work. But I do admit it does not work very well without Christ supplying for one's individual needs. I am not sure how life works absent a vital connection to the Creator, tbh. It never did for me. Sorry not to be of more help.

"Today I am thankful for the spring green. I love walking through maple trees with the sun shining through."

Sounds like you're on a good path, though. Keep with it.

 

Putting your wife first works excellently when she has your best interests in mind, and is looking toward a future of building a strong marriage.

My wife and I have the "one more thing" issue. What we agree to do is have a list of things we know we're talking about, and a limited timeframe. That way, no one feels ambushed. We will try to say ahead of time in the day or a couple days ahead a topic that we want to take on.

Trees and sun! That's a great way to have the strength within for the challenges of the day -- works every time

 

Last weekend in our sit down (it’s four of us) my dad her best friend and us in a Starbucks, when we talk we don’t have the explosive results.

But the thing that her friend told us which was really helpful was; “you are sanguine but she is melancholic—/ here’s what those strengths and weaknesses are.

I hadn’t looked at the personality chart in a while and I agreed more with the analysis. We then agreed I shouldn’t be in ccharge of certain things per my temperament.

You two sound like an evaluation of temperament would point out some safeguards to lower expectations and make conversation more relaxed. ; .

Conversation in every context married or not , can be tough. It’s just the expectations get in the way—- and the failure in meeting them (she just doesn’t understand me) versus (he just doesn’t listen and empathize).

Unrealistic expectations kill us.

 

One of the most valuable things my wife and I ever did in terms of our communication was learning our conflict resolution styles. Very helpful to know how we each approach and deal with conflict. It has aided our comms many, many times. Highly recommended for all couples to assess this! https://www.namb.net/replant-blog/know-your-conflict-style/