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5 months no porn, but still have lots of questions.

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by dissident, May 23, 2019.

  1. dissident

    dissident New Fapstronaut

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    I apologize if these topics have been covered already. I've honestly done hours upon hours and day after days of searching for answers, but haven't been able to find anything that helps. Also, sorry if it's real long; I have a lot of concerns.

    Basically, I'm about to turn 25 and I've been watching porn since for like 10 years or somewhere around there. I've been porn free for around 5 months now since I've met my current GF. I've known I needed to stop porn for years but never always failed. Since she's been in my life I haven't looked at it once nor have had any urge to.

    I'm certain I'm over the porn habit now as she's been gone to Honduras for a mission trip and I've had no contact with her for the past week and I've no urges for porn at all. I did, however, jack off twice at the beginning of the week, but it was to thoughts of her and I didn't feel much.

    We had a deep convo about my problem and at first she was confused and kinda hurt thinking it was her and all. She's told me too that she's got my back during it all which helped a lot.

    So here's my questions:
    1.) I was under the impression that if I can have sex I'm cured. However, we've had sex twice, about 2 or 3 months in, after trying for a while. I finished fast but she assured me it was okay and that she was happy. But, now I can't get it up. What gives?

    2.) I'm fairly certain my problem is now and anxiety/stress or performance anxiety problem as I get nervous and stressed about "will I succeed or fail the next time?" or "she says she loves me, but will she get tired of me soon?" Basically, there's a lot of anxiety because of this problem. She's even told me I'm the only guy that's made her climax and she tells me things like "you're the definition of sex", "you have this look about you, like you undress me with your eyes", "I love your beard and you're so manly" etc. I'm not making these up at all. But even then I can't help but thinking: is she just saying that to make me feel better? I mean she says it a lot even in non sexual encounters but you get my drift.

    3.) I've jacked off maybe 5 times within the 5 months. Could this have set me back a lot?

    4.) Am I just in a super flatline? I can't make myself get up without work and when she touches me I get aroused a little bit but either A.) can't get it up, or B.) only get a 50%. Or is it, again, me getting distracted by fears?

    5.) She's the woman that took my virginity. Could this have any effect on the anxiety part or just the reboot process in general?

    I really think the problem is anxiety and stress and me just getting too much in my head about it. I'm a pretty independent guy and like to do my own thing so I do know that if she does in fact leave I'll be perfectly fine. Feeling down for a bit? Yes. But, ultimately, fine. However, I really care about this girl and want to marry her and all that cheesy romantic stuff and she says she wants the same and to have my babies and all that. (if that's too soon in your opinion, idc, we've known each other since like 6th grade and I know what I want so leave those comments out please.)

    That about covers it. Again, I'm sorry if this has been covered elsewhere. I honestly couldn't find it after about 3 months.

    I really appreciate any input or links to other places that could help. Thanks a lot!
     
  2. Faceplanter

    Faceplanter Fapstronaut

    Sounds like anxiety to me, but as in most of these types of posts, checking with a doctor is OK too. A dose or 5 of viagra might help enough until the anxiety goes away if it's performance based.
     
    Deleted Account likes this.
  3. First, I think it's great that you're doing so well staying away from P. Many do not have such success this early in recovery. But, stay vigilant because the addiction likes to sneak in if you get too comfortable.

    I don't know if it set you back a lot, but it could definitely be affecting your progress. Anytime you MO, you're still keeping those pathways open that respond to stimulus other than intimacy with your gf. It can also be a slippery slope, especially when you're worrying so much. I understand the frustration and anxiety about wanting things to work properly with her, but it sounds like she's very supportive and understanding. It just takes time for things to heal and get back to normal, both physically and mentally.
    Enjoy the times you're intimate with her without focusing so much on function. Maybe try kareeza? I think with some time and patience things will eventually work out.
     
  4. Bobske

    Bobske Fapstronaut

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    Hi
    "I was under the impression that if I can have sex I'm cured"

    Cured of what? that seems to me what you have to find out.

    You seem to have a good and healthy relationship and if she says all these things and you've known her for so long I think she means it. You lucky guy, trust yourself, you are worth it, as is she.
    Sounds like anxiety to me this flatline.
    Talk to her and about yourself, I guess she knows about you virginity. Be careful not to overthink it and make her insecure. So tell her you're scared and don't know why this is happening.

    Seeing a Doctor could be good just to rule out other causes. I wouldn't recommend drugs, your own body has the best drugs and it just makes you dependant on something else instead of trusting yourself.

    Stop M altogether, try it. Don't know if it works. I had 65 days of no PMO and sex & O with my SO twice in that period.
    But I also had a flatline for 2 weeks where I was wondering if I still had something between my legs ;)
     
  5. JKnight

    JKnight Fapstronaut

    That kind of answers that question. With PMO or any iteration of it, your focus is to get your fix as fast as possible. With sex, it's to get them to O. Your priorities have shifted, but you only have experience with taking care of self. Also your experience indicates that this is normal. Take a chill, relax, don't MO, because you're reigniting self and your addiction.

    I think she is trying to soothe you so that you not anxious next time. Anxiety is most likely your big issue but see above.

    Unknown. Different people say different things about occasional MO and the effect that it has. My viewpoint on this is the follows, if you are an addict stay away. Maybe people without dispositions towards addiction, it is not harmful, but for someone who has been through addiction, it will be harmful because it risks a full relapse, perhaps not now immediately afterwards, but it is riskier and it could very well. So better to stay away. Not to mention what I wrote above about MO training yourself to be self-centric


    This sounds like a flatline. I've heard that it can come a few times. A fully reboot could take up to 7 months, give or take.
     
    justafriend likes this.

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