I'm a horrible person

Back in 2017, i was doing nofap. On my 2 month, i met my oneitis at the bus stop. This girl had rejected me in HS and made it clear she didnt like me but this time she was nce and friendly to me.

I misunderstood her kindness and asked her out. She agreed. I went out with her a week later and despite spending 4 hours with her nothing happened.

And i knew we had no chemistry and it wouldnt go anywhere. I tried to get a 2nd date but she ave me some excuses.

I texted her and told her she is the only girl that talks to me and she asked to meet and talk about it. This began a blackmailing relationionship.

Next week i did the same trick and told her im asocial this time. We went out again. I was desperate and virgin, i was crazy fro her and did anything i could to be with her. even i didnt realize what i was doing. I was wathing porn ant the time but not fapping and it drove me nuts i guess.

On our way home, (we lived nearby) she said somehting abotu playing guitar by the sea and we agreed to do that.

2 days later, i played some songs for her and i was determined to make a move on her last night. And i asked her to make out and she politely refused but i misunderstood and persisted and it happened.

It really sucked to be honest i even grabbed her left boob, i wanted it to stop but she kept going at it and i followed.

After 10 minutes we started talking about us and sex and shit like that and i talked her into meeting at my house for a fuck in 2 days.

And of course, she changed her mind next day and i was devastated. And 1 week later i asked her to meet with me cause i wanted to tell her off about not fucking me.

And she told me how bad i was to her, that I pressured her and that she never liked me. SHE WAS RIGHT. What i did was horrible, i should have been put in jail yet im still here.

 

Well, I have to agree with you, mate. You are a horrible person. However, you weren't born one and you don't have to remain one if you don't want to.

Your basic problem is that you don't see this girl, or perhaps any girl, as a person. You see her as a thing. Something that exists only to please you. Pornography is certainly not the only thing that gives rise to this mindset but what you're describing is a classic pornic view of human relationships.

Your first step is to retrain yourself to see others as persons, who exist for their own sake, not yours. If you can do that, then your horribleness as a person will eventually be reduced to a terrible memory of who you once were.

Also, if you can do it without trying to manipulate her again, you should apologise to this girl. If you can't, then leave her alone.

Take that first step now. Make today the day you start seeing people all around you, not things.

 

I stopped interacting with people i find attractive. I gave up. it will never happen. there is no point in trying. it would have happened already.

i didnt know what i was doing at the time, it was a phase i guess. i barely remember it at this point

 

im 24. no.

 

how so?

i think its better for her if she doesnt see or hear me ever again

 

lol "dating". when did i date anyone to begin with? date=sex.

how is this concluded?

 

well, when people say "dating" they talk about people having unofficial sex. its how its defined.

dating isnt even a term in my country to begin with.

 

Erm...well, reread your first post. The very clear impression I get is that you saw this girl as a means of satisfying your needs. Even your friendly, socially normal actions seemed like no more than part of your plan to use her for sex. You don't mention any interest in her than isn't sexual in nature. It sounded like you saw, not an opportunity to get to know her, potentially leading to a LTR, but a chance to get laid.
If that wasn't the way of it, it didn't come through in your writing.

 

ok, thanks but this term doesnt exist in my country. here, its either fucking or not.

 

the particular girl, i loved her. she was smart, cute, never felt bored around her, being with her felt like heaven. i would spend my life with her if possible. the thing is, she didnt feel the same.

not at all. some stuff i did was but i was honest and true in our actual interactions, before i reveled my intentions.

on the contrary, i saw it as opportunity for LTR from the start and i was super eager to get to know her and she turned out to be much more than meets the eye.

 

i dont cry

 

Hey, We all make mistakes, Sometimes we get out of control due to our past. I was very desperate one night and ive made the biggest mistake and ruined a friendship. We all are struggling with pain and depression here. I feel your struggle, Ive scared my friend due to my addiction. But God is shutting doors and opening new ones. Don`t let mistakes take you over because nothing is greater than god; Mistakes is wovened to our stories, it creates our characters, it leads us him (God). I know you feel ashamed, embarrassed and lonely but God Forgives you. We humans do stupid stuff all the time like this. When were down like this, this stuff is bound to happen. So Lemme tell you something pray, just pray, ask for the impossible. Ask him to change your life, help you get through this storm and apologize. You should Cut off all contacts with her and never speak with her again (But dont be a grunt if she says hi). I know its hard right now, Im suffering the same thing as you are but know theres one thing that is powerful and never-ending love; that loves you. Pray just pray. Read my Journal you will know my story, so you know your not alone. Ill post my playlist of songs that deals with addiction and mistakes.here to help you. Ill be praying for you brother. Know that God Forgives you, because there's nothing that god cant forgive. God Bless you.

Playlist of songs:
https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLsKBvIWcshNVwK1YfasDH1375jlaernrj

 

i cut her off a long time ago. there wants nay point in persisting, she said it herself

 

Alright then, its a start.

 

i just want to make it clear on this forum that i am a virgin because it mattes in nofap

 

she didn't mind this and didn't bring it up later on anyway surprisingly.

i don't think she cares tbh. she was with her boyfriend a few weeks after that. plus, she said she doesnt act weell under pressure and she did such stuff with other guys too

the particular girl told me she fucks guys she likes on the first hour