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My Story: It's Long

Discussion in 'New to NoFap' started by MelancholyWeightlifter, Feb 12, 2014.

  1. MelancholyWeightlifter

    MelancholyWeightlifter Distinguished Fapstronaut

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    My name Is Ethan Blomquist. I am male. I started masturbating at 12. I was watching porn by 13. I'm 19 now. On average I say I masturbate once or twice a week now, doing it much more often when I was younger. I managed to quit porn around the spring of 2012. And when I did watch porn it was maybe a once a month occurrence on average.

    The reason I was able to quit was because of my religion. I am one of Jehovah's Witnesses. In that fateful spring I told some of the elders (equivalent to priests in other christian denominations, but unpaid and there is an entire body of multiple men) in my congregation. I was "disciplined"-losing privileges like giving talks and helping out with our meetings for a year. Pornography is very serious to us, so they helped me to quit which I am thankful for.

    That brings us to now. My last hang up is masturbation. Like I mentioned above I managed to get it down to maybe once or twice a week now, even extending that to two weeks at times, but I just can't get over that final obstacle of completely quitting of masturbation. Now masturbation is not grounds for discipline as a JW, but it is still discouraged for many of the same reasons you guys are trying to quit.

    In addition pre-marital sex is not an option. This is based on biblical commandments I firmly believe in. And as a single guy not planning on getting married anytime soon, I have no way to orgasm in the foreseeable future. So the goal is 100% no PMO.

    As side points I like to do Weightlifting, specifically Olympic style (snatch, cland and jerk), as you can see from my name. Also I have a blog I just started called The Void: http://ethanblomquist.blogspot.com/ . It's quite dark and melancholy. It kinda outlines my thought process, much of it being very influenced from my experiences from my P and M addictions(They have really done a number on my brain...) Some of you may be able to relate. Also, if any of you are JW's please feel free to talk, I truly will understand your struggle.

    Thank you very much if you read this whole thing, I look very forward to progressing with you guys!
     
    i_wanna_get_better1 likes this.
  2. Array

    Array Fapstronaut

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    No journal, no signature, how's ur progress?

    Edit: Sorry, it's appeared just now. Wow, 3 days more and you've been a year on hard mode. Wow! I'm happy for you. I guess you must be a ministerial servant now :)

    Take care and stay strong!
     
  3. wanna be free

    wanna be free Fapstronaut

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    I feel so heavy. I feel weighted down by my ever present demons. It's like I am constantly being pulled closer to the event horizon of a black hole inside me. The black hole of my past, and it seems to gain mass with every incessant mistake, pulling me closer and closer into oblivion. I can't remember a time before the guilt. It must have been nice, I must have been free. Guilt has a way of shackling the feet. It enslaves your heart, constricts your lungs, choking the life from you. Guilt is a much different feeling then sadness. I feel sick, absolutely disgusted with myself and my actions. It's a feeling deep in the pit of your stomach, in the depths of the bowels. It never leaves. Its always there, always ready to remind you how truly pathetic you are. Whenever you are starting to feel more confident it slams you back on the ground. It is a terrible thing, something I fear will never leave me. But that seems to be the path I've started down upon, the path that has chosen me. Perhaps someday the chains of my guilt will finally be broken. Maybe one day I can be free...

    this is what I feel more or less... Thank you for putting it into words... this is what I want to be free from... I find myself in the same position that you do... I'm divorced, JW, and even when I have beat the porn for good... I panic about never being able to release the sexual tension... but One day at a time... and I try to remember that its not forever... Its just till this system is over... could be weeks or months or just a couple of years... Its not forever!
     

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