One of the things I struggle with is how to initiate sex. Spontaneity is difficult because of my ED. Finding the right words is just very awkward for both of us. Any suggestions?
I would recommend giving up. Don't think 'how can I initiate sex', just think nothing. If you notice her looking amazing, saying something cute, moving in a sexy way, or just anything that makes you want to express your love then stroke her hair, give her a kiss on the nape of her neck, or just smile and tell her that you love her. Even if the ED flares up and you end up just cuddling that will still be good and will add positive stuff to your relationship. Perhaps it is the goal setting, "initiate sex", that is not helping. Go with the flow, respond to your own emotions, don't worry and don't set a goal.
just to add onto @kropo82. Make sex as an overflow of your connection with your wife and it will happen more organically, and it well be more okay if your ED flares up occasionally. You'll also transform your sex into intimacy.
A concept I have been embracing lately is that “sex is optional”. Between my wife going into menopause, my previous transgressions against her, and her negative body image (also fueled by my past comments) hasn’t helped our sexual relations. What this does do is open the door for intimacy without expectations, finding ways to love and cherish her, vulnerable conversations that lead to a deeper connection. I too struggle with initiating, mostly this is due to me still wrestling with my addiction and if it is genuine or fueled by those baser “needs”. Then of course there is the performance aspect, as I want to satisfy my wife, but with the infrequency I rarely last more than a few minutes. As mentioned from others, removing the goal oriented nature of intimacy, and shedding expectations, really opens us up to living in the moment and allows us the ability to love our wives in a more pure and genuine way than ever before.
I just the read the whole thread and I want to cry. This is the kind of conversations I absolutely need to have, and I never had the chance to have. Thank you.
I found this thread helpful and interesting. My wife and I have a great relationship at this point in our marriage. The only thing we argue about, which is rarely, is about sex. The last time we discussed it, she said she actually hates it and the only reason she does it is because she knows I like it. She won’t admit it, but I know my porn addiction is the reason she hates it so much. We have plenty of fights over the years about it and I think she just finally gave up. She never asks me about it anymore, I just figure she knows deep down I do it and it’s easier just to not bring it up than feel hurt again. So we have come to an agreement about the amount we have it. But I never know how to initiate it. We’ve been together over twenty years, and I feel like a kid trying to figure out how to have sex with my wife. I don’t want to say the wrong thing or touch the wrong place or do something to completely turn her off. I’m putting way too much thought into it and I know it’s because of my addiction. I just found this site yesterday and I am finally opening up about issues with people who share the same issues. I’m on day one of a 90 day standard mode reboot. I’m hopeful that things will get better as I get better.
I am taking a deep breath before writing this. My wife and I have problems initating sex too. I think the last time we had full intercourse was at least 6 months ago, and during the last 2 years maybe 4 times in total. Things started to slow down and stop after failed IVF to conceive. It hurted us in ways difficult to decribe. The few times we tried after that it was painful for her, even after long time of caress and relaxation, it was impossible for her to feel anything but pain - before we had a healthy sex relation, even with my PMO addiction (I would stay clean for 2-3 days and sex with her went rather natural). I am guessing she associated sex to failure. At the same time I started to develop some signs of PIED which made me very insecure and uneasy with sex with my wife. We talked about it and decided to take it easy and be relax about. I had performed oral sex and caressing her to O, we cuddle, we caress. Sometime she confessed me that she does not think about sex at all, it's like it does not exist for her, until I remind her, or I initiate... And here is where one of the problems lie: I cannot insist for sex because my ex wife and a former girlfriend were sexually assaulted. I can't impose my desire on her. I need it to be in both directions. And another problem is that I feel she doesn't desire me because she has no interest in sex. I know it is my responsibility, but I had blaming going deeper into PMO the last years to this (and stress, and depression, and my childhood... I could always find an excuse). We talked and talked and talked about it, and I even recognised my insecurity due to ED - did not confess PMO, as I am still too ashamed of it, she even bought a sex toy to discover her sexuality, which she had used once in 1 year. I feel that our 'sexual time' is running out, we are in our mid 40s, but I think it's better not to put pressure. If I can get clean of PMO I believe our intimacy would be more natural, I trust I will be more confident, and even if there's some ED epidosdes, at leat the P-element would disappear.
OP, I don't have any suggestions, but I can relate. It's hard for men to be the ones who are saying no to sex. It feels emasculating. Then it becomes a vicious circle... I'm not good enough because I can't perform; I can't perform because of ED; I have ED because of porn; I turn to porn because I can't get myself to have sex with my wife; Wife feels like shit because she doesn't feel attractive; I hate myself because I'm making her feel shitty... and so on.
This is an important topic for me. It’s probably the main reason I’m hung up on thinking about sex more than I should. I’m almost 60 days of no PMO. Everything has been going great in that area. Some chaser effect and random days of having to control my thoughts but other than that running smooth. However, my wife still has no interest in sex. About two or three times a month, I get really down on myself because her having zero interest in sex is hard on my self esteem. I take it personal. She assured me that it’s not me, but I do a great job of convincing myself otherwise. I’m curious as to how long it’s taken couples to get back to normal or even what is the new normal? How do I go about changing my expectations?
