I Don't Know What I'm Doing Wrong

Hi, all.

I woke up this morning on the verge of tears because I keep having dreams or nightmares about breaking up with my significant other of many years. It's tearing at me because I fear that it's some sort of subconscious way of my brain telling me that things should change or that I should try connecting with other people. Before when I started a NoFap streak, I would have many different fantasies/dreams about my partner and feel happy that I am in control of my sexuality. Now that the outcome is different, I feel sexless, broken, like I have nothing to work with.

These dreams have been constant for about a week (ever since I felt upset about my partner's lack of clear aspirations and goals) and I don't want to feel like I'm falling out of love with this person in my life. I feel desperate to keep that connection to this significant lover and friend in my life because it is all that I've ever had for a relationship, but I'm always second guessing myself now that these dreams are in the foreground.

Is this just some passing mood thing I shouldn't be worried about or is this something of consideration or thought?

 

I spent time with my SO last night and I felt a strange disconnect, like the thoughts and dreams were all coming together to hit me the hardest. When I was with her, I couldn't get those negative ideas or considerations in my head. When she asked what was wrong, I was terrified of talking to her explicitly about what has been bothering me and said it was just nerves/dreams.

When we were intimate (multiple times last night), whatever part of my mind that usually took in the experience as something magical or special wasn't giving off that feeling. Yeah, I finished and we both had a fair time, but something was nagging me. Sex feels like a routine with this person rather than something fun once in a while and I can't tell if it's one of the main reasons she stays with me. That right there bothers me.

When we were simply spending time together, watching a movie together, I felt alone despite having somebody leaned against me in bed. That activity felt like a blur because I half-heartedly tried to be cool and laugh and engage with her, but it just wasn't happening. Despite me telling her multiple times how much I don't like her being on her phone all the time when we're spending time together, she did it anyway. Not only that, but nearly every time I hang around with her, she's just woken up out of bed because her sleep schedule is screwed beyond all reason (I go to see her at 1-2, she asks to nap once I show up).

I talked to my parents and my therapist about these problems and I can't stop getting upset and crying about it. I feel like I can't do anything right and that I feel stuck as a complete empath trying to appease other people before myself. I'm scared shitless about what a breakup would be like, how it would affect our mutual friends, how I connect with her family and how I see myself as a person.

This is the prime time in my young adult life where I should consider what I want and who I want to share my life with and being this muddled about it makes me beyond depressed. The medication I'm taking feels now like a placebo because that mellow disposition I had taking it the week prior has been overrun by this wave of distraught.

I'm sorry for this wall of text, I just had to get this down on text or on paper somehow.

 

How we fell in love has a bit of a catch to it. You see, we were only planning on hanging out and being lovey for one time a while back and then that developed into romantic feelings. I don't know if that affects anything or not, but I'm afraid and second-guessing what I've put myself into for the past 3+ years. It's getting me really wound up.

I need to have more serious talks with her about this.

 

Update (I'm at peak stress level currently):

I've had very lengthy discussions with my parents and some non-mutual friends about the relationship and how things are turning out. I've realized that while I have made stubborn mistakes or done things on my partner's influence, it is not all my fault. I have clarity and I have some ideas of what I may have to do: I don't think we should be dating anymore.

I'm not going to waste anybody's optic nerves to read the things I don't like about this person. We have supported each other through important times in our life and have motivated each other enough to reach our goals and graduate from community college. She has been my best friend and supported my efforts (music, writing, NoFap, etc.) and I cannot thank her enough. However, I feel as though our connection is starting to falter and I'm terrified of my future.

Do I want to live with somebody who is so dependent and clingy? Do I want to be related to or deal with her dysfunctional family? Do I actually want children after all of the constant conversations about shunning the mere thought? Is she going to hold me back from pursuing my education or success (i.e. prevent me from going to schools separate from her)? Is she going to continue to use drugs and drink despite my discomfort?

I don't wish to feel like I am stuck in a constant loop with somebody who is now making me wicked stressed about shit that just doesn't matter. Just recently, she booked tickets for a show happening two states away and now that we don't have a reliable driver anymore, she's panicking. This is a goddamn shitshow and I'm not going to go into specifics, but all I can say is that her hyper-fixation on this artist I got her into has me actually hating their music more than ever.

My mother says that she is obsessed with stuff that just doesn't matter or is superficial and I honestly think this rings true for most situations. Whenever I take her to a concert for a band/artist I like, she only fixates on the trivial bull like if the backup dancer was hot or if any of the band members happen to be LGBT+ (she is in the community and OBSESSED over who is queer and who isn't). If neither happen, it's a silent car ride home.

Coming out back in high school was pushed by her early in our relationship and I can't tell whether to regret my decision or stand by it. I don't even identify with the sexual orientation I came out as (technically bi, came out as pan) and I keep having thoughts about deleting the post. I have self-hatred when I consider any homosexual feelings (despite it being totally normal) or feeling effeminate because that's not how I want to be perceived by other people. Pair this with my dysmorphia and things go south really fast.

There are more things to consider or worry about, but I am honestly too tired to go into more details. I don't even know if I'll update this thread. I just have to keysmash and vent my feelings and considerations.