Very Profound Letter

So I’ve had this link for awhile. The original was more religious so I did change a few things to share it with my husband. I think EVERY PA /SO in or out of a relationship should read .



An Open Letter to Wives of Porn Addicts



On behalf of myself and the other husbands addicted to porn, I am sorry. We have given your place to another and it is wrong. You knew some men struggle with this; you just didn’t think it would be your man. There are no justifications for our actions. We try to justify, but these are only excuses.

I am sorry we’ve blamed you for our addiction. Instead of owning our actions, we have gotten defensive and angry. In time we may realize how far away this is from the truth. You’re not to blame. It is not your fault. We chose to turn away from you to follow the lust of our hearts.

I know this is painful for you. The person who stood before many people and professed his faithful love at the altar has betrayed your marriage through porn, lust, and lying. You did nothing to deserve this behavior, no matter what he tells you.
We lied, thinking we were protecting you from a situation we couldn’t handle on our own. Always thinking we’d get clean, we just needed a little more time. But the lies still hurt and the problem still grew–and damaged–like a cancer.

I am so sorry for how you found out. Maybe it was expected, but you really didn’t think it was this bad. And when he told you, or more likely, when you found out–he turned it back on you. He started talking about your sex life , all men do it , something else—anything else—to distract you from his betrayal to your vows .

Even our confession ( if we ever confess )is a double-edged sword.
We feel better, but you feel worse, because now you know. Our burden is lifted, and we act as if we did something great in telling you. However, you just got buried by our garbage.

You are shattered and bleeding from a thousand cuts—and then we ask, “What’s wrong.” We are blind to the pain we caused you. How many times have you stood by us when we were hurting? How many times have you shouldered our simple complaints on life . When we are sick you take good care of us . You show us great empathy and compassion. Why can’t we do the same for you?

And while you try to recover from this, we get impatient.

Why are we still talking about this?
Why don’t you trust me?
When are you going to let me off the hook?
How much am I going to have to suffer?
Aren’t you over that yet?
I said I was sorry.
It hasn’t even been a week, or a month, but we want you get to over it, because we are still concerned with our image. We don’t like looking bad. We tell you to see the good in us and stop focusing on the parts we don’t like. And if you don’t get over it according to our time table we make comments “ this is going to be a forever thing ugg , it’s not like I cheated on you “

We have emotionally abused you through our actions. We have made you doubt who you are. We have made you question your femininity. We have turned your reality upside down multiple times and made it all seem like your fault.

If any other man had treated my wife the way I did, I would have hurt him—I would have hurt him badly. My wife is a damned good wife , mother and friend . But I did disastrous things to cover my addiction and protect my image . Lying , hiding , from you my wife , my partner in life , my best friend .

In the midst of this, you feel like you should have known. The questions haunt you: “How could I not know?
What did I miss?”
But you did know . You started to feel crazy . Your instincts weren’t wrong . You fought with yourself to remain status quo . You are being crushed under a weight of questions and self-doubts with little hope of relief.

In some ways, it is even crazier than before we confessed ( got caught ) So we give the ultimate slap in the face, “I guess I shouldn’t have told you!” again making you wrong for your reaction, proving we’ve missed the whole point of confession—of healthy love.

And when you take the risk to ask us how we are doing in our sobriety, we get more defensive and impatient. You don’t know if you have a right to ask. You are being told, “You just have to trust me,” even though we haven’t done anything to rebuild your trust.

And you shouldn’t trust us. Our actions have shown you in big bold letters, “WE ARE NOT SAFE , WE WILL LIE TO GET WHAT WE WANT “

Yet many of you carry the weight alone, afraid to tell anyone what you’re going through. “What will they think?” and “How will they treat me?” loom over you like a black cloud.

We’ve done things no one would believe if you told them. We were late for things . We took time from our families. We have spent money . We have escalated. We have spent thousands of hours lusting over naked woman . Filling our sexual needs alone . Instead we should have been trying to build a more intimate deep connection in OUR relationship in OUR bedroom . Will they just stare at you, with a hand covering their mouth, thinking:

How can you stand it?
Why did you stay?
Are you that stupid?
What’s wrong with you?
And you really don’t know why you are staying. Sane people wouldn’t stay to deal with the insanity of love riddled with contractions and denials. They ask “ how can you ever believe anything he says “ We’ve SHOWN you over and over you can’t . Because you have hope .

I also want to apologize for those other people who have told you, “It’s no big deal. All guys watch porn,” or “Boys will be boys!” It IS a big deal. It is an addiction!
We made you a promise. We told you we would have no one other than you. But we did, maybe in the physical form of an affair or through our objectification of real life woman , too young for us , and most definitely lust over women in porn .

It may be difficult for you to hear my apology over all the voices in your head telling you it is your fault. We never sat with your pain of our betrayal. People will not understand , it’s just porn . Even though they were well-meaning, many of them had no idea how to respond without blaming you indirectly. I am so very sorry. We have become men that just don’t want to communicate or tell you we are back sliding .In the hand of the enemy porn addiction is here to destroy you, our marriage, and our family. We thought we were better men than this, but the truth is we are selfish beyond reason. You deserve to be treated so much better, not in just the everyday things , we can do that . In the more intimate soul baring things . You deserved us to be vulnerable as you have in this marriage.

I am sorry for how long this process will take. It will take MANY years to undo this damage, and you will continue to have doubts. It’s not fair. At times, you will feel like all of the cards are stacked against you. Many of the resources available to you will tell you how you’re co-(something), another way of saying you’re to blame.

You will work really hard to fix things, to heal yourself. Doing a lot of the work for me . It will feel like pushing a boulder up hill: really difficult work with the constant fear it will roll over you on the way back down.Even harder if you are met with more lies and hiding while you think we are healing .

I cannot apologize enough for what we’ve put you through. We lied to you. We gave into our lust and replaced you in our hearts. We dumped all of our sins on top of you. We blamed you for our actions. You, our beloved brides, are victims of terrible betrayals over and over again until your heart and soul can’t take it anymore . My words aren’t nearly enough to express the sorrow I have for our actions–our choices.

I am sorry. I am so sorry for what we have done. I am sorry for what damage this has caused to your soul and our marriage. We can ask for forgiveness, you will give it . We will renew our love , passion , connection like never before . This will be short lived if we don’t stay the course in recovery. And then I will do it again . Maybe not right away , but without working on this addiction we will do it again . You will feel it even if you don’t know it . We will feel less connected.

I’m so sorry ,
Porn Addicted Husbands

 

VERY .