25 year old ex-virgin

Hi! Just wishing you all the best with your transition into a healthier you!

You CAN do this and there's plenty of information, help, and advice here and healthy balance of perspectives so help and be helped just by making an honest contribution.

Anything I suggest below is precisely that, a suggestion, this is YOUR journey and it goes without saying that you are free to proceed in whatever way helps you stop and STAY stopped (even though I just said it!!)

You are stronger than you know!! Please visit this link...

http://www.youmeworks.com/self_reliance_translated.html

...print it if you have to (whatever suits?) , or ignore it, but at the very least please take some time to help yourself and to consider how you are going to set about reaching your fullest potential from here on, which is a CHOICE only YOU can make and a journey only YOU can take...

...so what's it gonna be???

It's worth mentioning that I hear a lot of people refer to the struggle/fight/battle etc, but it REALLY doesn't have to be that way(not unless you want to get in your OWN way?!?!)... http://www.nofap.org/forum/showthrea...ay-of-Harmony:)

So stay strong, help and be helped, and keep going!http://www.nofap.org/forum/showthrea...60-Keep-going:)

Wishing you love, peace, happiness, freedom, (and self-reliance, but NOT the kind that brought you here!!)


P.S. Change is a process and as the old saying goes, "Those who fail to plan are planning to fail". With this in mind I simply cannot recommended enough a book called 'Changing for Good' by James O Prochaska which is a tried and tested 6 stage programme designed to help you make positive and LASTING change in your life, especially when dealing with any kind of behaviours/addictions you know are doing you no good but which you are finding difficult to break free from. And just by means of encouragement I stopped heavy drinking, smoking, and cannabis on the same day in 2008 and I have not touched any of them since. Understanding and following the principles outlined in this extremely practical book played a big part in my full 'recovery' i.e. I simply DO NOT drink.and smoke anymore and am 100% certain I never will again.

If your interested here's a link...http://www.harpercollins.com/browsei...=9780062010384


Now here's a refreshing change...http://www.thepeoplesvoice.tv/about




The counter below has been helping me to establish a new habit. It is not a trophy. I simply decided to completely disassociate from pornography because I finally woke up to it and the damage it causes on so many levels and I encourage you to explore this deeper for yourself. I already KNOW that I will NOT be looking at pornography EVER again. Wishing you all the very best in all areas of your life...

 

Hi gregory,

Your story is very interesting ! My point of view is that you are very lucky to have a gorgeous girlfriend ! I'm almost jealous !

I'm stating the obvious here, but if you were able to stop PMO for one month, without even knowing the negative effects, I think that by being aware of the problem now, when an urge to PMO comes again, you'll think twice (or more thank twice) before getting carried away by this sudden urge.

My experience is that when I overcome extremely tempting urges, immediately afterwards I come back to a 'normal' state. But that must depend from person to person. It would be interesting to know others' experiences.

 

Hi gregory and welcome. Like you I also have a girlfriend with which I am currently living. I found that being able to have sex whenever one feels the urge is a good way to release the tension. Sometimes this might lead to problems, like the chaser effect, but as long you are aware of it then you can avoid it. Rebooting might take longer this way, but I find it easier this way.

 

gregory, after reading your story I couldn't think about anything else than what happened to me a year ago. I had a girlfriend and one of the reasons we broke up was the ED while trying to have sex. We both had no clue why I couldn't have an erection for longer than a minute or two. We tried to have sex, but when I tried to penetrate the erection wasn't strong enough to even get in (she was quite tense too, which didn't help). I went to my doctor with this and told him that even changing position was enough to lose the erection. He told me that that wasn't possible.. and asked me if I was open to the use of Viagra. My ex was furiously against Viagra so that wasn't an option, the idea of me not getting aroused by her was "absurd". We tried having sex for several weeks until I had enough of the ED and went to the pharmacy to buy the light pills (didn't know about the porn induced ED at the time). Without her knowing I took a pill on the nights we were together and had these steel boners that could break stone. Although I could have done it, I couldn't bear the thought of having seemingly 'false' sex, so I just kept it to dry fucking and pleasuring her. Besides that, the side effects were quite annoying since they gave me headaches and insomnia.

During this period I noticed that I haven't seen my (ex-)girlfriend naked, ever. She always turned down the lights and her room let no light in whatsoever. I wasn't "technically" a virgin anymore but the amount of sex I've had comes close to that of a virgin (I don't count "dipping" as losing my virginity). Basically, with absolutely no lights on I had trouble finding where to put it and had to "find my way" in the dark. Nerves, stress and absolutely no help from her part made me go soft before I even came close to penetrating. Told her this, she started crying (??) and she locked up completely. I had no visual stimulation, no help from the girl I loved and she didn't want anything to do with it and blamed it on herself. She was so used to the fact that guy's function properly that she couldn't accept the fact that I had my "mysterious" problems.

This whole ED problem was becoming so big that I couldn't get an erection even with my favorite porn at the time. I almost became obsessed with getting an erection that I pulled her into my problems. I told her about the Viagra a few weeks later (we didn't have sex still) and she pretty much concluded that I tried to rape her (... yeah ). I then became aware (in addition to our other relationship problems) that she had quite a destructive personality and we broke up not long after that.

Remembering the urge to watch porn, the urge to have visual stimulation made me go nuts for quite some time. I found the porn induced ED problems last summer and started to link my problems to the possible fact that I had these problems. My mission is to get rid of them and find someone new that I can love and have sex with again. This fear of literally failing in bed was crushing my self-confidence till I started the nofapp. I just need to finish it and find someone new again. Time will tell if it worked

Keep me updated when you've reached a point when you've beaten the ED part

Oh and if you're interested in my story?
http://www.nofap.org/forum/showthread.php?2283-Silver-s-Journal

 

Have you watched the movie Don Jon? It's about porn addiction and getting back from it. Awesome movie, but confronting too. If you want to break the ice, go watch that first and let her come to the conclusion. And a tip from a man to a man. DO NOT tell her about the Viagra. Woman can react quite heavy on it since it breaks down everything they are. They don't understand that a man cannot get an erection from them. It's one of the hardest truth's out there because "biology" is telling them that he isn't arouses by them. PIED is something else entirely and my experience is that their emotions can overcome their ability to see this objectively. Basically most just don't get it. Only if you truly love her and you are 1000% sure she loves you too, go with the full truth, but slowly, very slowly.

And another thing, if you still use Viagra, try taking less and less. It works the same way like porn. You can become depended on it since your brain will "need" the pill to get aroused and have sex. When you try without, well... another problem rises.

Cheers

 

I clearly haven't reached this state of mind yet, my personal experience is that I lost this sexdrive during the period I watched porn. I would look at boobs, asses and glare for a cameltoe or two. I could walk through the streets and not even notice anyone walking there. My only attention went to the female genitals and curves. In a neutral state of mind I wouldn't even care one bit about the person they belonged too. Sickening when I realized what I did. Also the start of my first no porn challenge.

Reading your story it might be that you need this flatline to keep going. Do you talk to your girlfriend about this? The thing that might help is finding your sexual stimulation. The mom of one of my friends (not even kidding, she starts these conversations herself) actually told me/us that some men have become so attached to their sexual comfort zone that they have trouble letting the other in (this can happen to girls too). For some men, playing around under the blankets might help. Some even allow their girlfriends to make use of their morning wood. Our mind can be so freaking stubborn even when we don't want it to be. How do you normally get aroused without the help of external factors?

In my case? Blowjobs really turn me on (not watching, but receiving), but my first experience included a girl with braces. She accidentally got some skin stuck in it, noticed it and for some reason tried pulling her head back. I have never made such a high pitched sound EVER. Besides that, I have trouble getting aroused by a "foreign" hand. Long story short, it just doesn't feel the same and I have trouble getting it up by any other hand but my own. I do not feel comfortable when I am in bed with another with a sexual intention. I've build this save "comfort zone" that doesn't include others. In its roots: I don't trust others when it comes to sexual stimulation. This subconscious fear makes my heart beat incredibly fast, makes me nervous, stressed and eventually keeps any erection at bay. She said that you need to discover eachothers body, get familiar with it and eventually barely even think while having sex.

What my friend his mom said is that its basically a trust problem. Not necessarily with the person you are with, but in general. You (I) might have trouble accepting the other person in your sexual energy. It makes you uncomfortable and thus the rest becomes harder (without the hard part). What she said is that taking a shower together, giving each other naked bodymassages (you can tease and stimulate, but not edge or finish), intimately touching each other without the intent to have sex. You can build a fear of "sex" and/or touch. This fear overcomes the ability to get aroused and thus giving you another problem besides porn. People who have sex at an early age discover this way faster. They can experiment, try, fail, it doesn't even matter. Older virgins tend to over think 'sex'.

When you can touch eachother without the nerves and fears, you can start to try giving eachother orgasms without penetration. This phase builds up a sexual connection between the two of you that you can only give eachother. When you do this actual sex won't be as hard since you've already become familiar with the other. Even in the (possible) future with someone else, this might help you become more confident in bed, mostly because you have more experience.

 

If you ask a question where the answer is pretty strait forward, it probably is. In this case, ANY external factor. Asking the question more direct: can you get an erection with thought touch and environment alone? Basically my challenge; can I get an erection in the dark and keep it?

My answer is: not yet, but its getting better.

My advice would be talking to your girlfriend. And how hard as this might seem, if she´s going to make a problem out of this, she is not the one. I stayed in a relationship with my ex eventhough she reminded me of my borderline mom (not kidding) and my dad's ex-girlfriend (also kinda twitchy, overly emotional and unpredictable). My ex was manipulative, compulsive, emotionally unpredictable and tried changing me into someone I am not. It took me six weeks to recognize her habits, mainly because she walked around trying to be someone she's not. Her "mask" became her reality and and I saw right through it. We had our fair share of trust issues and basically: I couldn't trust her. Everything she said she said with a mask on. It was "the person who she wanted to be" who was talking. Not the real her. She was a little bit too much crazy for me to trust, mainly because I was talking to two people at the same time (her and the real her). In the end she tried blaming me for a lot and even used the word "rape" even though we didn't even have sex. Her way of breaking up I guess, but it made me hate woman for almost a year.

My advice to you is: don't make this mistake. Talking to each other builds trust, comfort and a feeling of safety. If she truly loves/likes you, this "nofapp" is not going to be a big problem. You are almost 40 day's in, have a girlfriend who want's to jump you at any time, but you cannot give in because of your problems. Problems that will go away in time, problems that she can help with.

I didn't know my mother had borderline till I was eighteen years old! At the time I couldn't stand her for more than two hours. Mainly because we are both stubborn as hell. The moment I found out I could place every fight, every doubt, every trust issue I had with her. All her problems became obsolete and I just wanted to help myself and her through it. And what do you think that happened? We became more close than ever, at the time I was ready to push her away from my life. Yes my mom is still the oddball, but I understand it now. I can place it, I laugh at it and point out the moments when she is irrational. And to add to this "crazy", she doesn't even know she has borderline. It was kept safe from her to make sure her personality didn't use it as a destructive way to explain who she is. In stead of explaining her "condition" I explained how she acted, how her emotional mood swings have heavy implications, how her behavior explains the way people treat her and vice versa. This 'understanding' of what was going on (without labeling it as borderline) made her happier, more comfortable and waaay more accepting.

You can translate this to yourself. If you tell your girlfriend what you are doing, how it became to be and what you are doing now to fix it? She can help, she can stimulate you, motivate you and eventually you two can become so much closer than you'd ever imagine. This is, of course, if she truly loves you. And for you the question: What do you want more? A girlfriend or a loving and understanding girlfriend? It is a risk you need to be willing to take. Do you want to take the risk of losing the wrong girlfriend over the chance to meet the right one? And do you want to take the risk of gaining a understanding girlfriend who can support you through this life changing experience? Trust my words now, because I couldn't have said this a year ago. I would go for the right one anytime.

And why I am saying this (a complete stranger )? Because keeping this from her will backfire. You don't only have PIED problems, you most likely have trust issues too. And saying you trust someone is something entirely different than subconsciously trusting someone. They say 'trust needs to be earned'. Real (blind) trust takes years, but you can start building this trust today, tomorrow and the day after tomorrow. The first step is telling her whats going on.

My advice? Take it in steps, don't start with the porn addiction, start with your age, lack of girlfriends. The fact that you have relatively no sexual experiences before her. Tell her about the period of time where you had noone else but yourself to satisfy your sexual needs. Then ask her if she ever heard of the problems that 'fake sex', like porn, magazines etc give? Explain that you might think that you have these problems too. Problems that you do not want, and problems that have the misfortune of happening while having/starting a relationship with her. Tell her you want to have sex with her, more sex with her. Tell her that not you, but your brain (as an organ) is actually physically blocking the possibility of having the sex-life you want with her. Tell her that you are doing a challenge with literally thousands of other men who have the exact same problem, a problem that is tearing them apart. If this really was a psychological problem, you would actually not want to have a lot of sex. The fact that you are here explains that you do want that. "Something" is keeping you from what you want and its the most frustrating thing ever, a penis (and thus sexual drive) that doesn't work like you want because your brain is convinced that something else is better, not you. Tell her that you are nearing the 40 day break. You haven't masturbated, you haven't watched porn. And as it sounds, you've reached the flatline which is the start of everything. If you can convince her that you want, no need this old habit "this old addiction" to go away. Tell her that she can help, tell her you want her. She can be more than "a test subject" she can be your buddy that will break through the trust and the PIED problems.

Like i've been taught when selling a story: 'Never start with the doubt, never start with the negative. Start with a vision of something better, a vision that people start to believe in. The only way to do this is to overcome different obstacles and kill the demon in the end. Give them a goal and convince them they can be part in this challenge that will make them happy, give them hope and make them a hero too.'

Just don't tell your story in one go, make her interested, make her ask about it. And if the thing happens that you fear most? That she will make a scene, that she will doubt if you are the right person for her? Just show her, just show her the video's, the sites, heck even these comments. If that doesn't help, she just isn't the one for you. And if you fear to tell her for another reason? It might be that you are keeping a lie alive that shouldn't be there. Lies start trust problems and keep them there for as long as they exist.

My Thursday afternoon preach is done, hope you this motivates you to do something about it. Your fear of sex is gone when you start to trust the person next to you. They need to become your comfort zone, your sexual motivator. Tell her and start doing those exercises without giving each other an orgasm. Get familiar with her hands, let her play around. Allow yourself to get a boner with her. It's your pride and her conformation she's doing the right thing.

*I've recently found out that woman can have the same trust problems too. They don't get wet, or stop getting wet while having sex. They tighten up and lose their motivation to have sex, while having sex. It's a human thing. Don't lose yourself in it, but take the steps to climb out of it

 

Let's just say that giving advice makes me think about it more and it helps myself, and others ofc. I get a little bit wiser every time I read and respond to others. That slight moment of appreciation makes me do it again and again. My story is long, I don't bother my friends with it too much, but it's there. My problems have a history and I have been steering the wrong boat for a long period of my life. At the moment i'm actually going through a rough time again. Staying at home too much and a little afraid to go into the world again. I am my own chain that is tightly locked with my motivational problems.

Psychology always fascinated me, but knowing the way I think "actually" becoming a psychologist makes me analyse people too much. I like doing it on my own, knowledge from a book is only studied wisdom, I prefer learning it in real situations. I over-think too much on everything, every story I hear that connects with my own story, is a potential person I can help. I live by the rule that I treat people how I want to be treated and I treat them the way they treat me.

Let's say I can be someones best friend or their worst enemy depending on how they treat me. Having the experiences I have can make you doubt if you ever are going to find people who are like-minded. The main problem I have is that i'm quite smart, but have a very bad memory. Unlike most others, my memory is very selective about what it remembers. I can remember someones whole life story, their face, their sound, but not their name, their friends names. If someone is telling me a story that doesn't stimulate me? I will hear them, I will respond to them, but the moment I walk away its gone. It's my gift and my curse. The girls I've dated always came to the conclusion 'that I think too much and forget too much'. It even turned to a point that I've started to put up some lies just too make me look normal (a little dumber than I actually am). I live life like it's a game, and I play people too much because I understand people too much (though you can never understand them all or completely). Didn't realize this till a few months back. So yeah becoming a psychologist isn't the best move for me. So I write, design and have a passion to make my own game one day. Give them a nudge to think about stuff in a slightly different way.

But i'm getting ahead of myself again, like I say to others: (it translates a little different in English) 'To understand something ("getting it") is something entirely different than understanding something (accepting and understanding it). It's why men 'get' what their girlfriend says, but they don't really understand why. It's the logic of men versus the emotion of woman. Both very real, both hard to understand from the others perspective. It's why women find themselves confusing sometimes and men rationalize too much

So for you, try and act like you actually accept and understand what needs to be done. Advice I could actually live myself too now I think of it. See what happened there? Wisdom by my own words only there by helping someone else

Good, if you take life too serious you start to drown in it. I'm not telling my stories to make you feel sorry for me, I tell them so you might learn your own lessons from them. Finding comfort in others is something very human and something we seem to forget more than we'd like to know.

Keep me up-to-date with your girlfriend! I'd like to know, so we can trade our life lessons and experiences haha My next step is to try and live life outside my house for once and find my SO in time. You are in a situation I blew and need to do again. We all learn from one another, these kind of subjects aren't really something you talk about in your day to day life...

 

Give it time, the more you two "train" the more endurance you will build Nice to hear things are going better!