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The pain you can’t see is often worse.

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Deleted Account, Jul 3, 2019.

  1. I’m not really sure why I’m writing this. Perhaps it is to help other men understand or perhaps its just to vent.

    My PA boyfriend has been absolutely amazing helping me around the house, being sympathetic and making sure I don’t lift anything too heavy to make the damage worse. I have nerve damage in my spine and between doctors appointments, chiropractic care and constant crying and screaming in pain he has been beside me every step of the way. He takes my hand as we walk slowly, being very gentle knowing I am doing the best I can. He helps me off the couch and always asks if he can get me anything to ease the pain. He massages me and keeps my spirits high. He reminds me that We will get through this. He did not cause this pain and because it is visabile from my posture to facial expressions to the screams and crying he is able to sympathize.
    He caused a much deeper pain. His porn addiction caused me to question myself, my worth, my femininity. He made me feel ugly and unworthy. Nothing has ever been disclosed, only discovered which has made trusting him near impossible.
    Just a reminder that sometimes the pain you can physically see is not nearly as bad as the pain you can’t see.
     
  2. Liina

    Liina Fapstronaut

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    When I told my mother about my betrayal trauma and what happened with my ex who was the PA. She said, it is said that mental abuse is actually worse than physical, because it hurts deep into your soul.

    It has been nearly 2 years since I left the PA, and I still struggle with healing. This is very difficult. Nothing has ever hurt me like he did.
     
  3. GuyBuddyOlePal

    GuyBuddyOlePal Fapstronaut

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    I attend local government meetings and last night my girlfriend said in an excited manner that the next Tuesday meeting she wanted to come. She said she needed to network herself more as she wants a new job. I'd presume she stated this because some people who I have talked to have coveted positions at well known companies and they have also offered me an opportunity to get more involved locally (volunteer work, I have a career of my own) which is exciting. So after she said this I stopped and said "Okay babe... But ya know..." I stopped as I was trying to find the words to be like this isn't really a networking event and express the truth which is I don't know THAT many people to introduce her to. I small talk to 2 or 3 people max...

    In my split second of hesistation she stated "You don't want me to go.. You don't think they'll like me"
    I was baffled and speechless and almost immediately this confirmed her idea as truth to her.
    Which is just completely incorrect. My girlfriend is smarter and harder working than I am. She's more relatable and more lovable then me.

    I saw this hit her deeply and after walking the dog I came back to talk with her about why she would think I would think such a thing and she said because shes a loser and a dork. Shes not fun or adventurous etc...

    I reaffirmed her this wasn't true as she has several quality friends (3 - 4 lifelong friends who always remember birthdays and exchange gifts for holidays etc) and always has a circle of people who like her wherever she works. Like actually like her a lot she gets us invited to all sorts of personal events like birthdays and stuff where no other coworkers come but us. Not to mention my friends believe she is the alpha female amongst our friends.

    As I held her last night cuddling her to sleep. I realized this is my fault. She lacks confidence and esteem because of me.

    I'm sorry for posting a long vent as well but to circle back. I will never understand the pain and hurt I caused her but I think empathically if she ever was like this to me how would I feel? Devastated. I wouldn't handle it as well as she does that's for sure. I saw the initial pain years ago and just last night I get a small hint of the hidden pain and hidden effects. I trust and hope that in the future your SO will be able to as well.

    Thank you for sharing it is something I personally needed to read and be affirmed of and I am sure it is helpful to others as well.
     
  4. I think most SO's can relate to this level of pain. It truly is like nothing else you could ever experience, and although others can sometimes sympathize, there's really no way they could understand it without going through it themselves. A long time ago, I had written in my journal about the same thing you're describing...how PA's can be so caring and helpful when it comes to anything but the one thing that has caused us the most damage and pain. For that, they utilize the compartmentalization they've learned so well, and they are somehow able to keep themselves completely separated from it. It's unbelievable.

    I often wonder what they would think if they were able to see themselves from the outside and without being in the fog. Would it be bothersome to know that they were so selfish and thoughtless to us when it comes to the single most painful thing we've ever felt? Since they are so concerned and doting with everything else, do they think that makes up for their complete lack of empathy for the things they've done to hurt us so badly? As you had said, the invisible pain is so much worse, but that allows them to pretend it isn't there. Can you imagine what we'd look like if betrayal trauma left cuts and bruises?
     
  5. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    Emotional pain, betrayal, lies, stonewalling, gaslighting etc..are invisible wounds. Physical wounds, Punches, slaps ,kicks..etc...you can see the bruises leave and it helps the psyche detach and heal.

    Emotional wounds leave DEEP TRENCHES of hurt. You can’t see them, but a victim can definitely feel them and sometimes at the most inopportune time...triggers, everything flashes back on an instant, and the emotional pain is lived once again.
     
  6. MidnightOwl

    MidnightOwl Fapstronaut

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    This has had me in tears :( This is me also , 4 slipped discs that can't be operated on.
     
  7. Sorry to hear that. If you ever need to talk, I’m here. Chronic pain sucks.
     

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