Coming to Terms With Myself (Beware - Some Triggering Information In Here)

Not sure where to begin as the confusion and fog are great. I have read a lot about NoFap and even followed NoFap on reddit, but no matter how many times I have tried to break this blasted pmo habit, I have always failed. Can't seem to break the 7 day barrier as it almost feels like I am possessed and must get that pmo fix any way possible. I am more hopeful, given that I have been in a real big slump these past 6 months, dealing with PTSD and associated depression/anxiety - thank God I have a good therapist who has really helped me sort through the mess and put things into perspective.

To put a picture on things, I am a 40 something year old male who has been struggling with MO since I was 15 years old. Having on the surface what seems normal upbringing, I was basically left to my own devices as one of my siblings was the family favorite and pretty much our resources went to my other sibling who had autism. Growing up in an ethnic family where information is highly compartmentalized along with strict control of what family members do by seniors within the family, and having a family member who is handicapped is not easy. I had problems with low self esteem and still battle this demon that haunts me like a stalking ghost (living the lie that you are worthless and ugly all your life is something that really can wreck your sanity). I was bullied very harshly during my grade and high school years because of my weight. (A problem because I had no idea how to properly exercise and also because of my family background, one had to eat and not offend the grandparents/parents - because my brothers were not interested in eating, I essentially had to eat to please family - funny because my family would also mock me for being fat and did not tolerate me trying to stand up for myself or improving my life. Eating became one of the "drugs", along with PMO, that I would use to medicate myself into a lazy haze.)

I particularly had a difficult time with girls in my youth. The insight I have now is rather complex but let us just say it involves some complicated dynamics being alternatively "abandoned" and then "hoovered" by mom and both grandmothers, and being in school a bit younger than my peers, led me to being bullied by girls in school - it was not helpful being in a parochial school where girls would bully you, and when you tried to stand up for yourself, the sisters would not only punish you for being a macho boor, but your mother, who was a volunteer, would punish you as well and then tell you to accept their bullying as their way of "liking you." In addition, kids were quite sexually driven, compared to me, given that my peer was about 1-2 years older than me, and I had a hard time, especially when puberty hit - given that I was taught in school that sex is bad and being teased mercilessly both by family and my peers about my appearance, and that I had to "have sex" in order to be normal.

As a result, I was driven, and still am driven this day, to try and show people what I am capable of. I was told by peers and by teachers I would not amount to anything - therefore, I worked my ass off to go to college and become an officer in the US Military. But those ghosts still haunted me, and having had to work for a few narcissists who were department heads, xo's, and co's, as well as other toxic people in my chain of command, I very nearly committed suicide. I finished out my 6 year career in the military, got out, and tried to live a normal life but eating and PMO started to exact its toll on me when I could not cope with life. I have dated and had girlfriends but they would always crash and burn at the 2 year mark because not only my PMO got the best of me, my immaturity got in the way as well, not realizing that what I was craving the most was for someone to love and nurture me - instead of being a true actualized man, one who could love a woman for who she is and engaging in a healthy relationship, I was just an immature boy screaming out for mommy and wanting wild sex.

Regarding the PMO, I realize that my use of this drug of choice came from several different places:

1. Had no idea what was happening to me at puberty. I remember as a boy getting a hard on for no reason and both mom and dad laughing and telling me how I am going to marry and give them a dozen grandchildren and even more great grandchildren. Seems innocuous of a comment, until you realize that you have siblings laughing at, and mocking, you for your discomfiture, and peers telling you that you are so ugly that you have no chance of finding anyone that will love you, AND religious figures in your life telling you that sex is bad and that your path in life is going to be a holy priest, celibate and alone.
2. Had no idea what sexual urges were and how to handle them. Sure I got a basic sex education, but how do you handle this when you have no one to turn to and talk about it? My parents both tried to talk to me about some of my issues, but by this point, I pushed them away and refused to even engage them (or anyone else for that matter, at least until I came upon my therapist and two good friends who helped me see the light). By this point, PMO became a regular occurrence for me.
3. Had no idea how to handle myself and discipline myself to get better. By the time I was in high school, I was a paranoid wreck and trusted no one for help. I am still overcoming this as we speak.

The PMO (triggering information ahead) I experience is a really screwed up reverse form of "sissy porn" in my opinion. Granted I had no access to the internet until well into my military career in the late 1990s - but in my head, I kept on recreating these scenarios, until I discovered internet porn and chat rooms. Basically, I got fixated on that blasted scene from the movie "Just One of the Guys", where the actress, disguised and acting like a man, flashes her boobs to the love interest of her life at a high school dance. When I saw that, I must have been only age 13, but it got rigidly fixed in my head, so much so, I got uncontrollable erotic urges that I could not sort out. Since then, I have been fixated on "Drag Kings" and other scenarios where I dreamt of how I could get a woman to crossdress and act as a man for me. It got really bizarro because right around that same time, I had some acquaintances and a female friend showing me some pics of b+++++++ and I developed a fetish for converting women (both via chat and also downloading porn and using photoshop) into "alien studs" (where she has her body but has an alien head, usually hidden under an metal alien helmet and an "alien penis and testicles" shoved in her pants) or other screwed up things (like having the head of a horse and a horse penis attached to her). I would write stories about this and share this with women in chat rooms online - fortunately, only a very few women would get into this sort of thing.

At this point, I have a successful job in a non-profit organization and have chosen to live a voluntary celibate lifestyle in order to allow for true spiritual growth, as well as groth in discipline and character. I have rediscovered the joys of working out and have started to run, lift weights, and do martial arts, as well as learning how to ride a motorcycle. Life is still a big fog and bear for me - I lost 50 lbs last year, but due to my ptsd and depression, I put 30 of those lbs back on over the past 6 months and am struggling to get back into exercise and working out. I have a good insight as to who I truly am and am working very hard to understand that I have been beaten down, but am not broken - that I am a wonderful and blessed man who has the capacity for doing truly great things, and who is handsome and intelligent, with gifts that are truly blessed. I am tired of being repeatedly knocked down by myself. I still have a lot more to say, but right now it is a mulligan stew - fortunately, and thanks be to God for my two friends, and also for my therapist who stuck with me through this. I am looking to make nofap a permanent part of my life, and hope it can help me to grow spiritually, while helping me to heal from these old wounds and from the chronic wasting disease from PMO'ing all these years and seeking bigger thrills with this fetish that has been eating my soul like a slow acting battery acid.

I apologize for the long ramble and disjointed thoughts - am still in a fog, praying it lifts soon.