Not doing so hot again :/

Woke up from a dream. Of me being someone younger than I am now. Just enjoying time with a girl I had a crush on in dreamland. Was great, but I pussed out. And she was leaving for college. And we both got sad and said we had crushes etc etc... But I woke up and felt like suicide is a viable option tbh. I’m not sure if I care to really go on anymore. I’ve never been in love in my life. I’m over the age of 25. Everyday I grow farther and farther from someone who sees this ever happening in the future. With everyday, I lose more love. I thought that any of that person is about gone by now. But then I get a dream like that out of no where to make it hurt again. I’ve been enjoying time alone more and more. Able to go outside and think that it’s a beautiful day. But only because I’ve been killing the lover, the one that had hope he wouldn’t have to enjoy this life all alone. I don’t know how to cope with dreams like this. I don’t see the light at the end of that tunnel it opens. And it just makes the progress I’ve made to enjoy life by myself seem completely pointless.
This is just a vent though, free therapy dot com .

 

Wake up saying here we go again. I thought I killed that kid... Years ago. I’m not ready to burst the scar again, only to have it falsely mend and break open again. I’m not ready to spend endless nights, listening to happy songs, weeping in an empty apartment filled with collectible objects I no longer cherish. I thought I killed that kid... Why would he come back with a vengeance? My accomplishments are few and far in between, and the pain is too hard to manage. Don’t want to pull off the bandage, I’ve been sewing it shut for years and it hasn’t been infected. I find it hard to look past my reflection. Why give hope of a love without any direction? I thought I killed that kid... years ago. I’m not ready to cut open that scar again, only to have it falsely mend and break open again, and again, and again... I thought I killed that kid.