(Sissy) Porn addiction and self-harm, same thing?

Hi... I'm 16 and I have a sissy humiliation fetish. Unlike most people here with this fetish, I know for sure that I AM bisexual. I've always been even before porn, even thought I fully realized it while I was using porn, but it doesn't matter, I could be straight as an arrow or gay and the situation would remain the same, since I've been taught to suffer, to give up, and to drool in sorrow as a child. I had a really unsettling, yet normal looking from the inside, family situation, my mother was nuts, she precluded any access to my loving father for jealousy and hatred for having failed to make a companion of him (or anybody, never seen a boyfriend who lasted more than six months because of her psychotic manners) but it was what I always knew, so I took it for a standard and that caused most of my problems. Behaving the way she did, fuoriously and hatefully, with me and my family she downright poisoned me.
I've masturbated since I can remember, basically. When I was 11 or so I started watching porn and after about a year or so it became the perfect compulsive behaviour for me to relieve my axieties and paranoias on multiple times a day. Those things that made me throw objects and shout at people seemes to find some sort of peace through it.
It started to go wrong when, being confused with my sexuality and only having porn as a teacher, hormones acted on me in such weird ways that, at like 12, for a couple of months, I casually had my dog penetrate me, several times, and I even sucked on him. Yeah I sucked my dog's dick after taking it in the ass before I even really hit puberty. That is something I'll remember for all of my life.
After that, transwomen became the norm for me, and I ended up watching my fair slice of sissy hypnosis. Never really got so into it like I've heard other people say but that shit is so powerful I think it really killed my self-esteem and made me question my very sexual identity even though there's no real reason to do so other than having seen more women with a penis than ones with a vagina or even men with a penis alone, at this point.
I started crossdressing, which I think can be innocent fun just like masturbation can. I really believe I would have got to it even in a world without porn, to me it is no more than a matter of, let's say, aesthetic taste, and I'm not ashamed of it at all. But I know very clearly have to abstain from it at all costs until I'm fully rebooted, which could take years. When you spend the whole damn night sending pics and vids of you in any kind of female underwar you find around the house to random guys in 5 different Telegram incognito chats at the same time, saying that you're a slut, literally asking to be destroyed and degrading yourself in every way instead of sleeping, well that is a problem. Sexting on telegram is one of the most addictive and hardest to beat sides of my addiction, because for a little it makes me feel appreciated and considered, no matter how soulless, pathetic and desperate.
My father was a drug abuser for 10 years, before he had my older sister, and, from my experience, the dynamics and mechanisms of porn in general, but more than that sexting with strangers in particular remind me so much of what he told me about cocaine, it's unbelievably scary. It's something your brain just plain LOVES and the first few times, you might even benefit from it, except almost immediately you keep going for more, more and more, you do things you'd have never thought you'd do to satisfy that need, but it's really never enough, and after you climax, you feel so sick it makes you want to die. But it grips you in a loophole where everything starts to look impossible without it. I was so sexually confused and felt so alone that after I went living with my father for good, the first few times my beloved (she's one of the very first reasons I keep battling, if not the first one, of course along with the rest of my wonderful family) little 5 year old sister cuddled me I used to get hard and start thinking about sexual stuff. Once we were alone because I was in my room, in my underwear, trying to sleep an hour or so in the evening and she came in, thought I was sleeping, laid next to me and just started touching my penis out of curiosity, and I kept faking sleeping for quite a lot until I felt it was too wrong even for me and turned on the other side, so she stopped
I even got in a child porn loop a few months ago but luckily that still seems disgusting enough to me. It ended almost immediately. I watched stuff with fucking newborns. And i masturbated on it. That was so horrifying and self-degrading it seemed I really was quitting, i thought that was the peak, but in a like week I was back to spending hours on transwoman porn. I now think what drives me and many other is a conscious or unconscious desire to punish yourself and not to feel good, but to purposefully feel bad. Hurting yourself. I grew up getting hurt by the person closest to me, so either I could become one who hurts others ore one who hursts himself.
Currently I'm getting my shit together after a violent and explosive act of self-harm during a stupind argument with my father which will leave me scarred for at lears 5 years. As said, I have a history of violent, furious reactions to uncomfortable situations since childhood, inherited from my mother, but unlike her, over the years they started being more and more directed towards myself, punching walls, then banging my head on them, now I've got to fucking stabbing my arm four times with a kitchen knife and having to be sutured, and this has to be stopped, immediately.
Anyone else feel like the two things not only go together but actually are the same thing?

 

Finding a therapist is one of my priorities right now, but I can't legally. I need a permission from my mother, and she refuses to see me since I went living with my dad, who does not have any legal authority over me, we tried all kinds of anonymous public help and none were adequate. It's surreal, but in Italy bureucracy works this way. I gotta wait till I'm 18.
I've been clean for about two weeks, don't care about the days just wanna keep going. The occasional M now is vital to keep off P as of now but I'm cutting down that as well, but simply because I feel less and less like it as days go by. Since today I've decided to cut down all domestic use of weed, no matter how moderate. It's not harming me nor getting in the way of rebooting (usually it helps me) but I feel I gotta do it to get out of my comfort zone and let go of habits of any kind.