[Day 36 No PMO] Quit my Job & Cried for the first Time in 20 Years

Gents,

Today I am sharing my story with you and also wanted to give something back to this community.

So here I am, in my mid 30th, looking back at my life so far and countless attempts to improve my lack of self confidence and social anxiety.

But lets start from the beginning. I first came into contact with pornography when I was around 7 years old - my best friend had stolen a magazine from his parents. This might be the first time I masturbated later at home - which, when I remeber it right I thought I "invented". I called it then "having a nice feeling" as I had no name for it. The years went by and with 13 years I had my own magazines and started to masturbate on daily basis. The things got worse and worse the faster my internet connection became. I was really porn and sex addicted and I remember days when I had 2-3 times sex with my girlfriend and masturbated 4 times when I was around my 20th. Then, over the years, sex became less and less interesting as the real world couldn't compete with internet porn. It was kind of boring having sex and I had to force myself to sleep with my girlfriend (of course different one!) in the mid 20th. From around 16 to 32 I masturbated normally 1-3 times daily sometimes 1 hour sometimes 2 hours. So I guess this counts as slightly addicted. In the last few years it became a little less - just to the fact that with a family you have no time and have to do it quick on the toilet looking at your mobile, or longer sessions at home when you are alone. I have to admit I never felt really gulity about PMO - it seemed like a natural thing everyone is doing for me. But of course things got more and more extreme over time - Do you know this feeling when you just had an orgasm and you look at the shit you masturbated on and get somehow digusted and don't know what you found arousing one minute ago?

So, as you might have read in between the lines, I didn't have issues to get girls - thanks alcohol. But I had always problems with shyness, low self esteem, social anxiety, slight depression.

I really tried (almost?) everything in the last years. I tried to toughen up myself by doing unpleasant things, I showered cold, I went on my limits, I tried visualization, I told myself 1000 times a day that I love me, I meditaded regulary, I told myself that I am not shy, I tried to find things in my childhood that went wrong, and last but not least in the last 3 years I read around 20! high rated self help books for better confidence and against depression. I guess I really know a little bit about that crap but did it help??? - Yea a little... over the years. I mean I improved continiously but I really didn't have a break through.

When I first heard of NoFap I thought "what a fucking bullshit". I thought masturbation was the most natural thing on earth and totally healthy and making me even a better lover.

But after reading in this forum and in a time of total despair it decided to give it a try. That was at the beginning of last year. I remember feeling incredibly energetic, horny and getting painful blueballs at the beginning. After some not very successful attempts and never really quitting porn I am NOW on my first REAL 36 days no PMO streak, without instagram and not even thinking of sex / porn.

I feel good... now, but it was hard, really hard.
The first two weeks went by and I feld worse and worse and at day 20 a bad flatline hit me. I felt like a piece of shit for the following 10 days. No sex drive, depression, urges to watch porn or something, just shitty. I did a lot of sports, walking in nature, cold showes and it helped somewhat. But the dopamine receptors have to regrow and that takes time and can be painful!

Now, day 36 no PMO, still early in my recovery process or better said life style as I want to see it.

Urges - still gone
Self esteem - good and improving
What others think of me? - caring less and less
Negative thoughts? - few, really few - which is not normal for me
Self respect - damn high
Depression? - on a neutral level but tendency good
Social anxiety - still there on moderate level

I feel good, just good and thats - good. This week I did it - just quit my job. No one was expecting it. I swore to myself I'll never let anyone use their power over me any more. I will find something else - I am sure I will. Money? - but what is worth your dignity?

I have a special relationship with crying. I NEVER CRY. Till today. I don't really remember when I cryed the last time. Perhaps 20 years ago. My grandmothers died - I didn't cry. My gandfather died - I didn't cry. My father and my wife had an bad - accident - I was destroyed but I COULD NOT CRY. A lot of bad things happend - I didn't cry. I thought I would never cry again - just feeling nub. Today I cryed - 3 times. That was relieving and I felt alive.

I tell you what. This shit is real. I tried out so much different stuff. And it all helped a little - but this is more. Give it a try. You won't regret it.

Wish you all the best.