When will it end?

I haven’t posted here in a while.

I have relapsed in the meantime many times.

I found a new source to fulfil my needs- Snapchat. Find usernames online and just add them and there we go. I made a fake account so my girlfriend don’t find out.

It’s cheating. I absolutely hate myself for it. Why can’t I resist it? If I knew she had done that to me, I’d be so hurt, angry and disgusted. What if she found out? I know that it stupid, people could be screen recording the whole chat. I justify it by not showing my face but it’s not the point. It could ruin my life if the videos, pictures and chat got out.

I deleted my streak counter as I actually thought it was detrimental. If I had a good streak I’d think “I’ve done well, treat yourself!”, likewise if I had no streak I’d think “oh well, nothing to lose”.

I just don’t know what to do anymore. I want to stop but something pulls me back. Someone please help me out of this hell hole before I go down another disturbing path to rock bottom.

 

You’re right. I’ll redownload the streak counter. I just watched a few YouTube videos on the benefits of a reboot. I’ve even learnt that my performance anxiety is almost definitely due to porn! I’ve learnt that the type of porn I watch doesn’t define my sexuality. Those are the kind of motivational messages I need to remind myself of when times get tough. I feel very motivated to start from day zero again. Just need to actually keep at it for 90 days now!

 

I just wanted to say thanks for this comment. It's been six days since starting my reboot and I have relapsed again.

I just saw this after my relapse and it has struck a few chords with me. I am beginning to see that my porn use increases when I feel I am not receiving the emotional affection and intimacy I desire from my partner. This is something I haven't even realised, so thank you for bringing this to my attention. Using snapchat/cam sites allows me to receive the validation from others, boosting my self esteem very temporarily.