Why did I start doing this now

I had been making good progress. I haven't looked at porn in 38 days.

I had sex last night and the chaser effect was too much and I wasn't prepared. So I masturbated while fantasizing and came. I did this morning at work, and now I just did now before I tried to fall asleep.

I'm stressed, but not really unhappy. I don't know if what I'm doing is some deeper psych thing or just dopamine. I need help understanding what's going on.

I'm not struggling with porn, I don't have much desire for it at all. So, did I just trade a dopamine addiction for another one? Why is porn not problematic but now fantasizing is?

Wtf... At least I could turn off my phone and make it difficult. It's so easy fantasizing. Now I have to fight this? My brain needs dopamine that bad that now I have another fucking addiction?!

God What Is wrong with me? Will I always have this dark passenger in my life? I want to be left alone!

 

Nothing way out there. I fantasize about just... sex... I think in my mind I can control everything and somehow it almost feels more real than actual sex which is obviously a lie. It's hard to explain. Fantasizing... everything is how you want it or need it or crave it.

Human contact and connection is harder. I feel like I am not feeling something. In my mind l can connect.

Does that make sense?