Support for young SO's with children feeling suicidal, overwhelmed, alone

I would like to share a little of my story to support those young mothers who also struggle with being a SO of a PA. You ladies are not alone! It is so very difficult to be feeling betrayed and hurt on top of caring for little, helpless humans without a present partner!
Please reach out to us ladies here on the forum if you are feeling depressed, sad, alone, overwhelmed and just need someone to talk to. I wish I had a friend back then to talk to who had been through this too. Knowing that, I am reaching out to you in the same way.
Talk to someone who understands and will not "poo-poo" your situation. Sometimes, just venting to another person that can empathize with you can make all the difference. Heck, I will even help watch kids for you when you are feeling overwhelmed. I have been there and I do not want anyone else to feel the same! There were times when I wish someone could have just came over and helped wash dishes while we talked so I didn't feel so alone and like someone actually cared.

**If you have suicidal thoughts and a plan to carry it through, please seek help immediately! Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline toll-free at 800-273-8255. Your babies need their momma!!

Here is a little of my story of being in your shoes. I was a young, stay at home mother and SO to a PA. For so long, especially early in our marriage, my husband was stuck in the loop of escape world and feeling sorry for himself. When he should have been doing the things only he could do around the home--construction projects, yard work, heavy lifting, etc.-- he was on a computer in the basement looking at porn.

Things started to look like trash around the home and I fell into a dark place, not being able to keep up alone. I felt defeated, overwhelmed, exhausted, invisible. I stopped taking care of myself, stopped cleaning up after the kids, letting them throw food and playdough on the floor. Some of the furniture and the carpet got destroyed. I was so depressed and burned out because I was taking care of little babies and cleaning up after them alone in the home all days of the week, and didn't have a partner to help with everything else. No one said thank you for all the hard work I did, the babies and toddlers didn't understand, and I felt like there as no reason to get dressed in the morning. I felt pressure to be this perfect mom and wife, all the while keeping my husband's secret of PA. It seemed that no one knew I was drowning or didn't care.

I felt alone, isolated, neglected, unappreciated, invisible, and it seemed like nothing I did could get my husband's attention. I was rejected sexually and emotionally and burnt out from life with children 24/7. I did not have family or friends around to help me. He was traveling for work, studying for certification for his job, or on his computer playing games or looking at porn.
I thought about suicide and confided in him about it, but he told me he thought it was normal thinking and he didn't seemed worried about me. Honestly, the only thing that kept me alive was my fear of a painful death and my kids suffering. I thought about driving my car off the road with the kids in the car with me even! (He didn't think it was alarming when I told him. wtf, right?!) Luckily, I managed to survive day by day and pulled myself up from the pit, with the help of antidepressants and landing a great paying job outside of the home.

That goes to show you just how deep this addiction gets into the soul of the PA. They become emotionless, zombie-robot, selfish, lazy, douchebags that are completely unaware (and seemingly uncaring) of how much hurt they are causing their loved ones. To them it is just looking at some porn once in a while, and it doesn't affect anything else. But what they can't see (and what the addiction blinds them of) is that it has entrenched the very fabric of their being, leaching into every aspect of how they interact (or don't) with those around them and what they are no longer doing around the house to contribute to the family unit. Their kids and wife pay the price of dealing with his issue, plus everything else they may be dealing with personally as fallout. To this day, I don't think he knows just how close he came to becoming a widower and bereaved parent.

Looking back, I realize just how strong of a 20's something woman I was to make it through all of that and still be here to tell you this story today. I have matured into a wise, experienced, 40's something woman. My babies have grown and I am now a fierce, loving parent of 4 school aged kids. I will never allow someone to make me feel that low again--not even my husband. I am not afraid of being a divorced, single, older woman anymore. Life is what you make it. I choose to make my life happy and as stress free as possible.
My husband seems to have finally opened his eyes and made progress into becoming a better man, husband, and father. Largely due to this website and the resources and support here. I am thankful to have found NoFap and shared it with him. (I almost didn't because I thought to myself, "He won't change. He hasn't so far after therapy, church groups, accountability partners and websites and filters. What was another forum site gonna do that all the others didn't??") I hope that he proves himself worthy to continue married life with me, but if he doesn't then I will survive and move on without him.
Nothing is certain or promised, and I am taking better care of me now. I am focusing on my future, my mental and physical health, my children, and my finances-- as should all women, especially married stay at home moms.

Ladies, please know that you are a badass, strong female and that most men would crumble if they had to endure what we have. You grew little people inside of your body and brought them into this world for goodness sake! If you can do that and take care of babies and toddlers, then PA will not defeat you. Toddlers are Satan incarnate with sippy cups. You got this!​